This is always such a strange story: at first you are, without exaggeration, a single whole, then it is impossible to take a step without the eternal “ma-a-am”! And then suddenly the kid becomes a stranger and as if unfamiliar: he slams the door, and even shouts “Leave me alone!”
The editorial office of healthy-food-near-me.com received a letter describing a generally typical problem. Here it is:
“Until the age of 14, my daughter and I were always and everywhere together. It so happened that our grandmothers and grandfathers live far away, my husband’s work is connected with business trips, and I had to carry my daughter with me all the time on work and public affairs. And of course, on weekends we walked with her in parks, went to exhibitions, theaters, and shops. We were very friendly and inseparable until her teenage years. But then I stopped recognizing my child. A stay-at-home and, in general, a shy girl, she began to disappear on the street, girlfriends and friends changed every week, but the worst thing is that she stopped liking my company. At home, we still chatted sometimes over a cup of tea, but going with her to nature, visiting relatives – this turned into a real problem. For my part, I cannot leave her at home alone, without adult supervision, but she categorically refuses and resists with all her might. “
To help my mother, we showed her letter to an expert – a psychologist.
PhD in Psychology, practicing psychologist
The transitional age teaches children new relationships – adults. During this period, the basis is formed for their future communication in the family, team, with friends, colleagues, etc. Now, according to the natural laws of nature, they must break away from their parents in order to become independent. This happens painfully, because you need to leave the comfortable zone “under the wing”, when everything is decided and protected for you, and become independent, tell the world about your “I”, learn to make decisions and take responsibility. Parents are in no hurry to give control over their beloved children (and this does not need to be done until a certain point), so the conflict is obvious.
Dealing with teenage problems is always difficult because you empathize with both the child and the parents. You are like between two fires, but you need to start work first of all with your parents. Because who else can teach his chick and release him into the big world prepared.
First of all, you need to understand if you are making one of the common mistakes in communicating with children.
Scandals in the house. Hypersensitivity and emotional instability are characteristic of a transitional age, therefore it is beyond their strength to endure aggression from the outside. If you don’t want the teenager to run away from home, control your mood, make sure that all issues are resolved peacefully, without an irritable tone.
Misunderstanding of the interests of the child. It would be naive to think that for a 15-year-old guy nothing could be better than meeting grandparents for tea or going to a puppet show with his mother and younger brother. If you want to spend more time with your grown-up son or daughter, find an activity that will truly captivate your teenager. Try to subtly introduce your child to your hobby.
Incorrect interpretation of behavior. “Friends are more important to you than dad and me!” – in their hearts this phrase is uttered by almost every mother of a teenager. And do not try to put the problem of choice in front of the child – family or peers, he will definitely choose friends. And he does not betray his family, as emotional mothers think at this moment, he is just looking for comfortable communication with those who he understands.
There is such a term “adolescent peer groups”. Sociologist Dr. Eastwood Atwater cites several reasons why adolescents form groups: they support him socially and emotionally, peers set the standards by which adolescents can evaluate their own behavior and experiences, help develop social skills, and so on. Therefore, if you are familiar with friends and know that there is no destructiveness and danger in communication, let go of the situation. And never jump to conclusions. Respect for the interests of the teenager will give more results.
Inconvenient time or place to socialize. Mom wants to talk to her daughter, but she is categorically not in the mood for dialogue. Dad came to his son’s room to talk, but the boy leaves or pretends to be busy, not in the mood for a conversation. Teenagers are jealous of their personal space, and adults are aggressively trying to enter their territory. In addition, they are interested in many things: the Internet, chatting, movies, games – everything, but not parental conversations. If you want to spend time together, look for a convenient “format” – while preparing dinner (ask your daughter to help), the boy can talk while fishing – as if between times, in the car. By the way, communication in the car has many advantages: no one occupies anybody’s territory, there is no need to look each other in the eyes, which is not easy for many, during the trip it is easier to convey your position to the interlocutor and talk about something frankly.
Parents are not best friends! A common mistake when adults try to be friends with children. Do you know those parents who adopt teenage slang, trying to get into their company? But children should have good parents precisely in the role of parents who give them a sense of security, care, respect and an example of adult behavior. There is no need to strive to be on the same foot with the child, peers play this social role. Trust and friendship are two different things. In addition, if a conflict of interest occurs, and the parents are still trying to warn children in one way or another, you will not be able to influence the child from the perspective of an adult, experienced and wise person – for a teenager you are a friend, an equal, and it is not necessary to listen to your opinion.
Indifference of parents. Or eternal busyness – the other extreme, which many adults sin. Rush at work, household chores, fatigue – this is not a reason to refuse to communicate with the child. If a student asks for help with lessons, do not rush to shame him and send him “to think for himself,” help. Soon he will grow up and he will refuse your “services”. It is trite, but the only right thing is to be able to allocate your time in such a way that it is enough for a child.
The child is more comfortable with grandparents. Have you noticed that in many families, children trust secrets to grandparents and are more willing to spend time with them than with their parents? The older generation has a different attitude to their grandchildren, they, as a rule, do not have the task of raising a child, they just love him with unconditional love. Grandparents devote more time to their grandchildren, allow a lot, pamper and respect the interests of the child, listen and understand what is important in the transitional age. But do not overestimate the influence of the older generation, ask if the child is using their kindness in opposition to the demands of the parents.
Children are fleeing violence. When harsh parenting methods, unfair and aggressive relations between relatives are practiced in a family, this not only lays the foundation for an unstable child’s psyche, but also causes a desire to run away from such a house.
Ignoring the plans of a teenager. It is very important for a growing up son or daughter to be perceived as an independent person, as a person who has his own space, his own interests and his own opinion. And for sure it is unpleasant for him that everything was decided and thought out for him. A teenager will abandon family plans even from the principles of resistance and negativism that are characteristic of this age. Therefore, on the eve of the event, ask the child what his plans are for this day.
The dictatorship of adults. Avoid orders and unquestioning obedience when communicating with teenagers – this causes backlash. “They order me as if I myself don’t know what to do,” teenagers often complain about their parents. On the contrary, show respect and do not hesitate to show your love, the child should not doubt whether his family needs him. Then it will be easier to negotiate and spend time with loved ones.