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Why the child does not obey and throws tantrums – psychologist Larisa Surkova
You say it’s time to get dressed outside, and he runs away to play cars. Cook his favorite borscht, and he turns up his nose. You punish for fighting, and in the evening you hear: “Seryozha beat Kolya again!” How to understand your child and not go crazy at the same time, will tell our expert – psychologist, blogger and mother of five children Larisa Surkova.
Early morning, I am taking my daughter to the kindergarten. Entering the dressing room, I hear a familiar voice.
– Well, do not be distracted, put on trousers! – the mother of Plato, the notorious bully and the main bully in the group, grumbles with displeasure.
The boy turns away, singing a song, which further provokes his mother.
– Why are you so absent-minded? If they complain to me again today that you hit someone, I don’t know what I’ll do! – And instead of a farewell kiss, the parent gives Plato a cuff.
The boy cries and runs to the teacher to complain, and the mother slams the door in her hearts. And I already know what will happen in the evening: the woman will again have to listen to the teacher’s story about her son’s leprosy. A vicious circle, the only way out of which, according to the psychologist, is to stop assault.
When a mother hits a child, this inevitably leads to the fact that he will repeat after her and offend other children. Even if there is no assault in the family, but mom and dad communicate in a raised voice, the child will certainly mirror it. A common story when parents are surprised: “We don’t beat each other, why is the child aggressive?” Are you sure you are not hitting each other with a word?
Mom, get out of Instagram!
If the child does not obey, it is not just that. You can blame the age crisis or geomagnetic storms, but the fact remains – the child desperately demonstrates something to you, but does not want to interact. Paradox! Stop and find the reason for what is happening. Maybe you live only by your own interests?
My daughter was in a row for a long time before going out. As soon as I said: “Eva, get ready soon, we have to leave,” she had a lot of things to do – watch cartoons, go to the toilet, drink juice. Almost every training camp ended with my daughter crying and my spoiled mood. I thought for a long time that she was just mocking me, until I learned from a psychologist that the matter is in particular the child’s perception of time.
– This is a common situation: my mother, drinking tea and looking through the Instagram feed, remembers that she is late for the clinic. He begins to rush the poor child, and he continues to play. Mom screams, gives a slap on the head, the baby is hysterical, and the woman is even more irritated. The child does not have a built-in chip to be able to quickly execute commands! He was playing – why should he suddenly blow up and run somewhere? Children cannot quickly rebuild. For the child to hear you, lay a time for this, for example, half an hour. Say: “Dear friend, let’s put away your toys, now we are going to get ready.” Repeat this phrase after 5 minutes. And so 3-4 times. Describe that now you will walk down the street, see large snowdrifts, it will be interesting. You need to prepare to leave the house in advance.
Big brother is watching you
If you look at the world through the eyes of a child, you can see a lot of interesting things. And most importantly, it becomes clear that their picture of the world is fundamentally different from ours. But how to do it – get into the head of a little man?
3-year-old Vanya knows how to eat and dress himself, but recently he began to demand that it was his mother who pulled the jacket over him and fed him from the spoon. And if the mother is busy or does not want to follow the lead of her son, the baby turns on the “hysterics” mode.
– Definitely, this is a way to attract attention. Remember what has changed in our life and family lately. Maybe you were too busy and he just misses the attention? Or jealous of a brother or sister? For this, some families install cameras in the apartment and watch the recording every day, analyze their words and actions. This is how many parents came to understand that it is not about the child, but about them.
But it so happens that no advice works, and you realize with despair that there is no way out. If the child has become completely uncontrollable, then at some point you have lost the thread that binds you, the thread of trust. Think about when and how it might have happened. Many factors contribute to this. For example, the total employment of parents, lack of patience or switching to another child in the family. Building relationships will not be easy, but you must.
– Start rebuilding contact. Live communication and sincere interest in the life of a child is sacred. When raising children, try to take their opinion into account, and not just bend your line. Do not betray and deceive the baby. For example, you promised to give your son Lego for his birthday. The boy was happy, he lived by this, and suddenly on the eve of the holiday he hears: “You won’t get anything, you behaved badly / finished the quarter with triplets!” Every time you are going to scold or punish a child, put yourself in his place. Ask yourself: Would I like what I am doing now? How would I feel? Remember, the little kid you once were hasn’t gone anywhere. He still lives within you, hidden far, far away, but he can be awakened.