Their ages are 13, 15, 17… and they intentionally hurt themselves. There are more than we think, experts say. And they explain: in this way, teenagers report their acute experiences and ask for help.
«I am 14 years old. When scandals at school become unbearable, I try to hurt myself as much as possible. I don’t know why, but when I do that, it makes me feel better. It’s like I’m pulling a splinter out of my body. Everything is fine with me?» There are also such disturbing letters from teenagers.
There are also letters from parents: “My daughter is 15 years old. I recently noticed burn marks on her arm. It is not possible to talk about it, she takes every word of mine with hostility and refuses to meet with a psychologist. I feel completely powerless and don’t know what to do now.»
Blade marks, cigarette burns — almost 38% of teenagers at least once tried to injure their body. Parents are horrified to realize that their own child is hurting himself. Automatic, at the level of a reflex, the desire to save him from pain is faced with an unusual obstacle — the absence of an enemy and an external threat. And the question remains: «Why did he do it?»
Contact with your body
In maturing children, from about 11–12 years old, desires, interests, behavior change — their inner world becomes different. It is especially difficult for teenagers to adapt to changes in their body. The arms and legs are extended, the gait changes, the plasticity of movements, the voice become different. The body suddenly begins to behave arbitrarily: erotic fantasies and treacherously spontaneous erections in boys; menstruation, often painful, in girls, can also begin at any time — at school, in training.
“The body seems to become something separate,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “Hurting yourself is one way to get in touch with him. The behavior of teenagers resembles the gesture of a person who has a terrible dream: he wants to stop him, pinch himself and wake up.
frightening world
At 37, Tatyana clearly remembers the years when she inflicted injuries on herself: “I grew up in a family where it was forbidden to complain — my parents did not understand this. As a teenager, I could not find words to express all that tormented me at that moment, and I began to harm myself. Now I understand that it was a way not only to deceive adults, but also to console myself: now I know why I feel so bad.
Their actions, frightening adults, are not connected with the desire to part with life.
Many modern teenagers, like Tatyana once, find it difficult to express their feelings — they do not know themselves enough, and they are frightened by adults’ distrust of their feelings. In addition, many simply do not know how to speak openly and honestly about themselves. Having no other means to relieve mental stress, teenagers force themselves to experience pain.
“In this way, they struggle with immeasurably great suffering,” says psychotherapist Elena Vrono, “after all, it is difficult to trust yourself if you are sure that no one understands you, and the world is hostile. And even if it’s not, many teenagers’ behavior is driven by this very idea of themselves and the world.” However, their actions, which frighten adults, are not connected with the desire to part with life. On the contrary, they confirm the desire to live — to cope with suffering and restore peace of mind.
Pain relief
The paradox of the moment is that teenagers, damaging their bodies, experience … an infantile sense of their own omnipotence. “The body remains the only reality that completely belongs only to them,” explains Inna Khamitova. “By damaging it, they can stop at any moment. By controlling their bodies in such a wild (from the point of view of adults) way, they feel that they are in control of their lives. And it reconciles them with reality.”
The cruelty that children show towards themselves allows them not to show it towards others.
Physical pain always muffles the mental one, which they cannot control, because you cannot force the one you love yourself to love, you cannot change your parents … It can also indicate experienced violence (mental, physical or sexual).
“By demonstrating the wounds that a teenager inflicted on himself,” says sociologist David le Breton, “he unconsciously draws attention to those that are not visible. The cruelty that children show towards themselves allows them not to show it towards others. It acts in the manner of bloodletting in ancient times: it relieves excessive internal tension.
They hurt themselves so they don’t feel pain anymore. Many teenagers talk about the feeling of relief that comes with self-inflicted injuries. It is based on the analgesic effect of the action of endorphins — hormones that are produced in the body to drown out pain.
family frames
“I often hurt myself from about 14 to 17 years old,” recalls 27-year-old Boris. — And he stopped only when, becoming a student, he left home. Today, thanks to psychoanalysis, I have come to the conclusion that this is how I experienced my mother’s dislike. She did not want me to be born and made me understand this every day. For her, I was the most worthless creature who will never achieve anything. I felt terrible guilt and regularly punished myself for not being worthy of her love.”
“A child who lacked gentle touches in the first years of life, growing up, can continue to experience this painfully,” explains Elena Vrono. — The body, which he never perceived as a source of pleasant sensations, remains detached, external to his personality. Injuring himself, he seems to destroy the boundary between the inner and the outer.”
Hating themselves, teenagers do not realize that they actually hate the opinions of others about themselves.
Parents can exacerbate the suffering of teenagers. “Out of the best of intentions, many of them try not to praise their children, as if they could be spoiled by this,” says Inna Khamitova. “But children of all ages need support and approval. They believe what we tell them. If adults constantly criticize the child, the child gets used to the idea that he is a bad (ugly, clumsy, cowardly) person. Self-harm can also be a revenge on yourself for a sensitive teenager, a punishment for being so bad.
But by hating themselves, teens don’t realize that they actually hate what others think of themselves. This is confirmed by 16-year-old Anna: “Recently, I had a big fight with my best friend. She told me terrible things—that I didn’t love anyone and that no one would ever love me. At home, I felt so bad that I didn’t calm down until I hurt myself.”
In families with an authoritarian parenting style, when parents tightly control not only the behavior, but also the emotions of adolescents, self-harm, according to Inna Khamitova, “may become a way to fight the power of parents.”
A teenager thinks something like this: “At least in relation to myself I will act as I want.” And always cuts and wounds on visible parts of the body help children to attract the attention of adults to themselves. These are signals that parents can no longer dismiss, writing them off as features of the transition period.
Risk limit
It is important to understand the difference between single strength tests (“can I stand this?”), blood-written vows of friendship, and repeated self-torture. The former are associated either with recognizing one’s «new» body and experimenting with it, searching for new sensations, or with rituals that exist among peers. These are transitory signs of the search for oneself. Constantly trying to hurt yourself is a clear signal for parents to seek professional help. But in every case when teenagers show aggression towards themselves, it is necessary to understand what they want to say. And we must listen to them.
What to do?
Teenagers seek understanding and at the same time carefully protect their inner world from annoying intrusions. They want to talk, but they can’t express themselves. “And therefore,” our experts believe, “perhaps the best interlocutor at this moment will not be parents who find it difficult to remain passive listeners, but one of their relatives or acquaintances who can be there, sympathize and not panic.”
Sometimes all it takes to stop a child is… a good beating from the parents. In such a paradoxical way, they make it clear that he has gone too far, and express concern. But if such behavior becomes a habit or the wounds pose a threat to life, it is better to consult a psychologist without delay. It is especially important to do this in the case when a teenager closes in on himself, begins to study poorly, feels constant drowsiness, loses his appetite — such symptoms can be a sign of more serious psychological problems.