Successful business women are seen as powerful, independent, and extremely self-confident. At the same time, notes relationship coach Sherlyn Chong, high personal standards often lead to dysfunctional personal lives: accustomed to the fact that success comes at the cost of hard work, many of them unconsciously choose problematic partners.
Successful women know their own worth, because they overcome difficulties all their lives and work sparing no effort. But sometimes endless pain is hidden behind an independent and powerful image.
They feel uneasy if everything goes smoothly in life – too unusual a feeling. Therefore, they begin to “wind up” themselves: “you are not capable of anything”, “everyone around sees how insignificant you are”, “all the men in your life are the same as your dad, and in the end they will leave you too.” Breaking this spiral of negativity is difficult, but possible. All that such a woman needs is to gradually become more indulgent towards herself, at least 1% per day.
Relationship coach Sherlyn Chong remembers a client who never had time for a session. She could not find a free hour in any way, because she was always busy – either business, important meetings, or charity events. “After another excuse, I began to doubt that she really wants to establish a personal life.”
According to the expert, such cases are repeated regularly: such women are often simply not able to relax. During the sessions, they get nervous, impatiently straightening their hair, smoking cigarette after cigarette. They feel like time is wasted. One gets the impression that their idleness will certainly lead to a catastrophe of universal proportions.
Purposeful women live in constant combat readiness. They learned that in order to succeed, you need to constantly make efforts. Not surprisingly, the same logic carries over to romantic relationships.
Unfortunately, this is why they are so often attracted to toxic partners: life experience has taught that the only way to achieve results is through hard work. They invest more and more in the relationship, despite the fact that the return is not visible.
The woman does not want to get rid of this anxiety, but, on the contrary, plunges deeper into it, because this is a familiar state for a long time.
For an active and active nature, the state of rest is unbearable. They would do well to do yoga, but yoga is not suitable for them. In fact, nothing suits them. Their style is to race at full speed. In fact, they are running from despair, they are under the pressure of a huge responsibility, but stopping and taking a break is even worse.
Many of them do not realize that working at the limit of possibilities takes the form of masochism. Successful women use it as a kind of punishment to make them anxious.
Very often, the roots of such behavior are found in early childhood: for example, the father left the family when the girl was five years old, and she decided that this happened because of her. The young immature mind is very susceptible to such traumatic events.
If the trauma is not worked through, every time a woman lets someone close to her, the image of the departing father pops up in her memory. This is called separate anxiety and makes you think that the next partner will also leave her, no matter how much he swears otherwise. Paradoxically, she does not want to get rid of this anxiety, but, on the contrary, plunges deeper into it, because this is a familiar and understandable state for a long time.
During coaching sessions, the same phenomenon is observed every time: the client agrees to abandon negative beliefs and reinforce new ones, but her body “turns on” a chemical reaction that throws her back. The body and brain are tuned to the installation, which has sat inside for twenty years, and is programmed for fear.
Successful women with separate anxiety live in anticipation of the storm all the time. They not only exhaust themselves with work, but also feel considerable relief, filled with negative emotions.
You can free yourself from the trap of negative attitudes. Everything is decided by a conscious choice: stop scolding yourself
When they are overly happy, free of guilt, sadness, and other negative feelings, the brain and body become outraged. The body literally demands to restore the set of chemical elements that were put into it many years ago.
Thus, the unusual feeling of peace is eliminated by self-flagellation: “you are a nonentity, a loser, he will leave you anyway” and so on.
However, you can break free from the trap of negative attitudes. Everything is decided by a conscious choice: stop scolding yourself and learn how to transform thinking. Although it is very difficult to give up what has been a part of you all your life.
That is why it is so important to convince the client every day to become at least 1% more indulgent towards herself. Imagine your inner state as a flower that gradually outgrows the surrounding weeds. It gets taller and the sun shines brighter on it. This is the cumulative effect.
“Working with these women is a huge responsibility. Often you have to be tough but fair,” Chong admits. – More than once it happened to warn that we would part if she did not do what I say.
My task is to convey that from time to time it is necessary to stop and take a breath, otherwise no one will help them, and this becomes their motivation. But by and large, no one can be forced to take care of themselves.
In fact, this is the same work with a personal trainer who directs and corrects actions, but the skills are fixed on their own. It is possible to detect trauma and trace it back to adulthood, but the rest is up to the individual.