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Hello! If you are inclined to believe that criticizing a loved one helps to strengthen relationships and make it better, then you are very mistaken. Most likely, he is unlikely to appreciate your impulses, even if they are from good intentions. And he will perceive the words as a rejection, humiliating his personality and dignity.
And today I propose to consider in more detail why you should not do this. Unless, of course, you value your marriage.
What is dangerous?
Resentment and reduced self-esteem
Tell me, in the eyes of people close to you, do you want to look beautiful, smart and the best? Most likely yes, right? And this applies not only to the immediate environment. If you often “poke your nose”, like a kitten, at what he did wrong, a person’s self-esteem will inevitably begin to decline.
And if he is also a perfectionist or doesn’t have a very high opinion of himself, then you will significantly complicate your life. Because it is not so easy to be around someone who is constantly suffering and experiencing insecurity, confusion and fear.
And also, people dear to our hearts, as a rule, know us very well. Why accidentally, and sometimes on purpose, they can “hit in vulnerable places”. Which, of course, hurts and causes resentment. Accordingly, it alienates you. In this case, you will have to make titanic efforts to restore balance and harmony in relationships, to get closer to each other again and start to trust.
Defense and retaliatory attack
Criticism is, in fact, an aggressive action. Even if it is expressed only with the help of words. A person usually reacts to aggression with aggression. Because he wants to defend himself and defend «his good name.»
Therefore, even if you speak out on a case, you risk turning your home into a battlefield. And a person should put on armor when going to society, but not surrounded by close people.
Provocation to continue in the same spirit
Have you heard the saying: «Tell a man a hundred times that he is a pig, and he grunts.» There is some truth in these words. Because the one who is criticized every day loses the desire to be better. Since it still won’t work to please, what’s the point of straining and climbing out of your skin?
But what about those who, on the contrary, try to do it out of spite, thus defending the right to be themselves?
In general, consistently repeated or non-constructive criticism only reinforces and reinforces the qualities that we do not like.
What to do?
I-statements
Of course, you should not be silent about what does not suit you. Otherwise, irritation will accumulate until one day it breaks through in the form of accusations, insults, and so on. Which will lead to conflict, which is no less dangerous for relationships.
Try to be gentle and gentle. So that your words do not humiliate and do not reduce self-esteem, use «I-statements». That is, instead of using the phrase: “You are so crooked” in your speech, say: “When you spill something on the floor, I get upset because I have to clean it up. Are you going to do it yourself?»
When you speak on your own behalf, you increase the chance of being heard. And when you blame and characterize your partner, you risk starting a scandal. Since he will most likely defend himself, expressing anger and irritation in response.
You will learn more ways to learn how to criticize constructively, that is, without destroying, but on the contrary, creating something new and strengthening the old, you will learn from this article.
Inspiration
If you see that your ways of «getting through» to your loved one do not work, change the strategy, and do not blame him for not wanting to hear you. Think about how you can inspire him to change.
Maybe, on the contrary, it is worth periodically thanking him for something good that he does? Then he will have a desire to please you more often. Or, for example, inadvertently praise in front of mutual friends, motivating to be better.
In general, try, experiment, and most importantly — talk. After all, sometimes it’s easier to ask something directly than to fantasize and guess.
Adoption
As you know, perfect people do not exist. You also have a lot of shortcomings that a partner has to put up with. Be condescending and at least occasionally control yourself if you want to give out a portion of criticism.
Because even though you may look like twins, you are still two unique, separate individuals. Who act and think differently. Why not always be able to please each other.
Completion
In general, as you may have noticed, criticism destroys relationships, alienates people from each other and, in general, brings a lot of unpleasant emotions. Therefore, I bring to your attention an article on how to achieve harmony in marriage.
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Take care of yourself, your loved ones and be happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina