Vain regrets are painful, but this experience itself can enrich our experience, suggest how to act more accurately and better. The analysis of your regrets and our test will help you use the positive power of this feeling.
“Why didn’t I confess my love to her then!”; “What a pity that I did not continue to study!”… The feeling of regret suggests that we feel some kind of lack, we suffer from the absence of something. We come to a belated realization that some action or choice that we did not make at one time could change our life for the better. It is this “not” regret that differs from the torment, the feeling of guilt that arises at the moment when we realize that we did badly.
Regret usually refers to something that happened in the past. Why do we sometimes go through the years of missed opportunities and continue to suffer about this? “When we look back, we realize that we had a choice and could have done differently,” explains psychotherapist Isabelle Filliozat. “It takes time to think about the decision made then, but it is at such moments that we learn a little more about ourselves.” Moreover, in fact, we always regret the same thing: that we did not listen to ourselves and did not do what we really needed.
However, this bitter feeling can be constructive, you just need to find time and think about what it says, ask yourself: why do I regret this? Why didn’t I listen to myself that day? “Regret changes our views, our behavior,” explains psychologist Galina Shengerova. “Moved by this feeling, we analyze what happened, understand ourselves and others better, and as a result make more meaningful decisions.”
Regret talks about things that could make us happier. Therefore, we should listen to this feeling.
For example, we may reproach ourselves for not showing our full interest in the vacancy when meeting with a potential employer. Most likely, next time we will be better prepared for the interview and be able to be sincere and convincing at the same time. Regretting that we did not fully help a colleague, we can talk to him about this and ask for forgiveness. Remorse is another positive consequence of feeling sorry, it helps you come to terms with your past.
Regret speaks of something that could make us happier, which is why it is so important to listen carefully to this feeling – as an alarm signal. But it is dangerous to dwell on your regrets, otherwise they become fruitless and painful. “It’s good to look back to connect with yourself, but it’s important to come back to the present and look ahead,” says psychologist Neal Roese*. – When we see new opportunities, make plans, the experienced feeling of regret helps to choose the right direction, becomes an incentive to act. Conversely, when we become locked in thoughts of missed opportunities for a long time, we lose perspective and find ourselves in a dead end.
“A wise man does not grieve for what is not, but rejoices in the present,” as the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus stated**. We should also learn to recognize: “My choice is right, because I made it.” This will be the first step for us, if not fortunately, then at least towards a more balanced and mature outlook on life.
* From a speech at the 70th Congress of the Canadian Psychological Association in June 2009 in Montreal.
** “Conversations of Epictetus”. Ladomir, 1997.
Quiz: How sorry are you?