“Why should I get up to school when there is going to be a war and I will die soon?” A psychologist advises how to talk to children about Ukraine

Let us not shy away from the topic of war, let us talk to our children. They feel our emotions and, left in the dark or in their fantasies about it, will feel fear and anxiety. In such a situation, it is better to explain to them what is happening by adjusting the message to their level – says psychologist, psychotraumatologist Magdalena Halicka from the Dialog Therapy Center.

1. – Even if our children do not watch TV directly, they do not listen to the news, the general atmosphere is felt through it. People talk about it on the street, many Ukrainians live among us, go to the same school as our children, it is impossible to cut off this information – explains Magdalena Halicka
2. As Halicka says, children may develop anxiety reactions, difficulty falling asleep, performing basic activities, and anxiety.
3. Should parents initiate a conversation about the war? Or maybe it’s better to wait for the child to ask itself? What to say to children and what to say absolutely not?
4. You can follow up-to-date information from Ukraine in our LIVE REPORT
5. More information can be found on the Onet homepage

For several days now, we have all been shocked by the news about the war in Ukraine. How do children fit in with all of this?

Exactly the same as us, which means they often don’t find each other. Even if they are not aware of the situation, they feel that something strange is happening. Therefore, they have the right to be anxious, they have the right to seek answers to nagging questions, they have the right to feel helpless because what is happening abroad is terrible and if we, adults, feel fear and anxiety, the more so is a child who has limited abilities. access to reliable news may feel the same.

What can we expect?

We must be aware that even if our children do not watch TV directly, they do not listen to the news, the general atmosphere is felt through them. People talk about it on the street, on the bus, in the shop, many Ukrainians live among us, go to the same school as our children, it is impossible to cut off this information. They may have anxiety reactions, difficulty falling asleep, performing basic activities, fear for the future. There can be many of these symptoms.

Should we initiate a conversation with the child about it or wait for him to ask?

First of all, as parents, we should observe the child’s behavior – if he starts to behave differently, reacts with anger more often than usual, is more active, or maybe just apathetic. It is in our hands, as parents, to go out to the child with this topic. Let’s not wait for them to start asking for information themselves, as they may have different fantasies about the current situation. We cannot enclose children in a wonderful box in which there is no evil. Do not count on the fact that if we do not turn on the TV while listening to the news, it will not realize that something is going on. Because children, anyway, will hear about it from their friends, teachers, random adults.

We should pay attention to what the information is, what the child learns from outside. We will not run away from talking to the child, but we should move with great delicacy. Let’s just ask what happened at school, how is it, what happened on that good day and what happened in their lives that was bad. But also what does he already know about the situation in Ukraine, what information has reached him, and is it discussed at school? This will help him open up to a conversation, and we, as adults, will be able to verify what information our child has on this subject, what we need to improve in his knowledge, what we can introduce new.

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We should probably talk differently about the war with a preschooler, differently with a 10-12-year-old child, and differently with a teenager …

Of course. However, no matter what age we have a child, we need to know what information we want to provide. We should also remember that the vocabulary we use and the content conveyed must be age appropriate.

Should we talk to preschoolers about such topics at all?

And why not? This applies to all of us regardless of age. It’s not like the preschooler doesn’t know what’s going on. A few-year-old can sense anxiety, stress and tension very well. Looking at the parent, he can perfectly see that something is happening, he can feel it.

Of course, such a conversation should take place in a different way than with a teenager. Let’s not tell a few-year-olds: listen, it’s war, it’s dangerous, bad people shoot others, people die. Certainly not this way. Rather, try to explain without heavy words. Let’s say that there is a situation where one country was attacked by another and now everyone is watching what is happening, helping those attacked and trying to do everything to end it as soon as possible. Let’s name things that are really happening, but at the same time not frighten the child, protect the child, saying that we are safe here – because children are most afraid that this situation will reach us. But if necessary, let’s not hide the fact that it may change.

If our emotions resonate with children so much, what about the little ones? After all, we’re not going to tell a three-year-old about the war?

Of course, we do not introduce such young children to the subject of war, but you can work with them on educational books. I recommend Katarzyna Ryrych’s great book, “Wars of adults, stories of children”, as well as a series of books by Joanna Papuzińska and Renata Piątkowska.

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Is there something that shouldn’t be said to an eight-year-old, for example?

There is no such thing, it is rather a question of how we do it. And you have to do it wisely and calmly, adjusting the message to the age of the child. Let us not watch scenes from the ongoing war with him, but let us answer questions.

How should teachers who have not only Polish children in the classroom, but also children of Ukrainian origin, behave? How to talk to such a class?

It is best to start by talking to such a Ukrainian child, ask him if he needs anything, how he feels – but first in a one-on-one conversation. It is also worth asking him if he thinks it is a good idea to talk to the whole class about the situation in Ukraine. Certainly, such children should be taken care of exceptionally now. But also make other children aware that they too can help him. You can organize a collection of necessary things together, suggest spending time together, talk to children and constantly monitor their behavior, emotions, reactions to the current situation, ask them, after providing specific content, how they feel about it. Let’s use opening questions for this, because it makes the conversation easier, helps to open up and talk to what is really happening in their hearts right now.

But let’s not forget that they may not want to talk about it either, and we must respect that.

One mother said that when she went to wake her 10-year-old daughter, she saw that she was crying. When asked why the child replied: why would I get up, how will I die soon, because there will be a war. How to take care of a child when it is convinced that something terrible awaits us?

The truth is that we do not know what will happen next with this war, whether it will not appear in our country. Therefore, we cannot assure the children about it, because in this way we create an illusion. If anything like this happens, the child will feel cheated and will have a right to find it difficult to trust the parent. Our task is to say: I don’t know how it will be, I understand what you feel, I feel it too. And it’s not about scaring, let’s be truthful about what the European Union is, let’s explain that we are in NATO and what it means. Let’s give your child a packet of information they can rely on. Many of us probably instinctively tell the child about safety, but it is a bit like when the child falls on his knees and we tell him: do not cry, nothing hurts anymore, although the child cries because it hurts him.

We don’t have to name everything literally. Let’s talk about what is here and now – that is: at the moment we are safe, because the Union protects us, if the child is older, let’s explain what it is, but let’s not hide the fact that we do not know what will happen next. It’s just about not distorting reality.

So how do you make the child feel safe?

First of all, talk to him, ask what he needs and take care of the most basic things: let him sleep well, sleep well, eat well and rest well. If he saw or heard something that scared them, offer him breathing or relaxation exercises, or take a walk in the forest, let’s cut himself off this topic for a moment. It is worth taking care of relaxation and space at home for peace, but also to dispel anxieties, this way we will take off his shoulders what he is afraid of. If it is small, let’s draw a heart with it, which can be colored in the colors of experienced emotions, read books, but also let it express the emotions that have accumulated in it. With an older child, we can play something, watch a movie, do something together, but most of all talk. Being together at such times helps a lot.

We are often afraid of the fear of our children, it is normal to want to protect them, but sometimes we have to let them have difficult emotions and experience them with them. Let’s not be afraid to show our helplessness or fear, we can tell him that we also experience difficult emotions and we are afraid. Thanks to this, we show children that we also have to deal with difficult emotions. Of course, let us try not to fuel this fear unnecessarily, let us not despair in front of it, and let us not show panic.

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How to behave if there are children from Our Country and Ukraine in the class. What if there is anger at children from Our Country?

The basic thing in such a situation, extremely important, is psychoeducation, i.e. explaining to the child that not all s are angry, that not all are in agreement about Vladimir Putin’s policy, and the fact that someone comes from Our Country does not mean that he or she declares the same views and would make the same decisions as its president. Secondly, it is worth noting why this anger appeared: is it because there is war in Ukraine and the class blames this child for it? Is there any other reason.

And what about the situation when the Ukrainian child who previously attended this class does not come to school. Because, for example, he went to his grandparents and did not come back, and we do not know what is happening to him?

It is worth talking about it, e.g. during the parenting hour, starting with verifying the information that the children have about the current situation, and then going to the details that our friend has not returned and asking how they feel about it – if they want to let them cry or grieve now, let’s ask what would help them. Because maybe this boy was close to someone, maybe someone feels that he has lost a friend. Let us surround them with care, interest and give them space to express their emotions. Maybe it is worth devoting a lesson and going for a walk with them in the park, maybe going to the playground, where they can spend time together outside the school walls. Perhaps this is a good time to take classes on emotions and their regulation.

And what are the s who live in Poland and their children to go to Polish schools to do?

It is difficult to anticipate and anticipate events that may or may not happen. Of course, you have to be careful, it is worth asking what is happening at school, preferably with open questions, e.g. what cool things happened at school today and what were not cool and observe how the child responds and listen carefully to what he replies. However, I would not prepare a child for what may not necessarily happen. However, it is worth going to the tutor and asking him to pay special attention to it and let him know if something like this happens.

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Many of us now have our TV on non-stop on news programs. If we make sure that the child does not see them, are we able to protect the child from them?

Even if the child is in the next room, if he hears information related to war in the background all day long, we must take into account that he will start to be afraid or feel other emotions that are difficult for him. Therefore, let’s try to cut off information so that we are the people who will verify this information for our child. Let us not discuss these topics with him. It is not about running away from questions about the war, but let’s not make it the only topic that we are talking about among ourselves right now.

Or maybe it is worth engaging children, for example, in helping Ukraine?

What many of us, adults and children alike, feel right now is an enormous level of helplessness. Commitment to help can usually be a way of dealing with difficult emotions for us, because agency reduces the level of helplessness. We can offer the child to take part in a collection of food or clothes for Ukrainians, let’s ask if he would like to participate in such an action. Maybe he would like to share his toys? This will allow him to feel that he is influencing the situation. Let us tell him that it is worth helping, but let us not force him to do so, let us not decide for him in this situation. If he doesn’t want to give away his belongings, don’t criticize it.

Well, what to do when a child or teenager does not want to talk about it?

We have to respect that. Even if it seems important to us, let’s not press, let’s give him space for it to be able to choose the right moment. We can say: I understand that you do not want to talk about it, but remember that if you want, you can always come to me with it, I am for you.

There are also parents who think that these are not topics for children and it is best not to include them in it.

Even if we do not have a TV and we do not listen to the radio with the child, I would not be so sure that it would be enough for the children not to know anything about the world around us. For us adults, it often seems so, but children are able to observe both their parents and the world around them, meet their peers, go to school, to classes – it’s hard for me to imagine a child not hearing anything about what is happening now . That is why, however, I would recommend a quiet conversation in which we will find out what the child really knows. Because it may turn out that, for example, a six-year-old does not know what is happening in the world, but feels emotions, feels that something is not quite okay, that parents are nervous, ladies in kindergarten are tense. It is worth introducing such children a bit into the situation in a subtle way.

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How to talk to 17,18-XNUMX-year-old boys who are afraid of being drafted into the army, or their girls who are afraid that they will lose contact with them? What to say to such young adults?

Express hope that it will not come to this. For now, the mobilization concerns another country, in our country it is not a real threat, but a fear of an imaginary situation that does not have to happen at all. However, let’s not underestimate such fears, let’s talk about them, let’s not avoid the topic. Let us try to focus on what is happening today.

Let the kids watch the news if they want to?

It is better to avoid this as it may happen that they react with fear or anxiety. We’d better watch it ourselves, or at least make sure that the TV is not turned on all the time. However, we must take into account that, especially slightly older children, may search for this information on their own.

Blocking their access to them does not make sense, because if they only want to exchange information on messenger, watch ticks or YouTube, they will find a way to do it.

So we can treat older children as partners in these matters and talk openly?

Absolutely not. When we treat a child as equal to an adult, it becomes our partner, which disrupts its development. We should adapt the information provided and the language we use to do it to the child’s development. Let us not have a partnership conversation with children about the war, let us have a conversation between a parent and a child, this is our task: listening to fears and fears, confronting the information that the child has with the truth, explaining the situation at his level.

But what if the children themselves demand this information?

Let us ask what they need this information for. Let’s ask what they already know about it, what they heard from their colleagues and check if it is real information at all, because often children fantasize, create alternative scenarios, fall into certain illusions and are able to wind up in these fears and create new scenarios.

Let’s also bear in mind that this is a very fresh situation, in a few days it may look completely different. We don’t have to run for psychotherapy right away. Let’s give the child a moment to get used to this information and check how this information influenced their emotions.

Author: Monika Wysocka