Sexologists are most often approached with complaints of reduced libido or a mismatch in sexual rhythm. And although such problems are not uncommon, there are common misconceptions.
Many do not understand why desire is reduced, who is affected, how the presence or absence of desire affects relationships, and whether reduced libido should be considered a problem. To clarify, sex therapist Nagma W. Clark talks about six stereotypes.
1. “There is something wrong with my libido.”
This is the most popular misconception. People with a wide variety of libidos are often perplexed if they correspond to the norm. The truth is that there is simply no standard for a «normal» libido! The normal level of sexual desire is individual for each person, taking into account his characteristics. It’s perfectly normal to want sex once a month, once a day, or never at all. This becomes a problem only when the person himself is dissatisfied with his libido or there is tension in the relationship.
2. «Men don’t have problems with low desire»
The stereotype that men don’t have problems with low libido does a lot of harm. Men face the problem of low sex drive just as often as women. In many couples, a woman has a higher libido, and this is completely normal. This misconception stems from stereotypical ideas about male sexuality accepted in society and culture. Men are often portrayed as sex machines that are always ready to make love. This often makes it difficult for men to seek help because they are shamed and afraid of ridicule.
3. «If you’re not in the mood for sex, then you don’t like your partner anymore.»
Attraction is often confused with love and sympathy. When it falls in a long-term relationship, there are interruptions in intimate life, but at the same time, love and sympathy for a partner remain. Yes, if desire has disappeared or decreased, this does not mean that you no longer love your partner. It cannot be said that there is no connection. Sometimes a person loses interest in a partner due to relationship problems, and when he finds a new partner, the desire returns.
4. “Lower libido is a far-fetched problem”
Many of the clients suffering from a weakened sexual desire have met with a skeptical attitude from a partner and doctors — they were given to understand that the problem might be in their head. Some were suspected of cheating, others were advised by therapists or gynecologists to make love on a schedule and not worry about not being in the mood. Our sexuality and libido are complex. The problem cannot be solved by simply taking a pill. Understanding what’s the matter is not easy, unlike purely physiological problems — for example, with an erection.
5. «People with a healthy libido are always ready to have sex.»
Normal sex drive waxes and wanes not only as the relationship progresses, but even throughout the day. Try keeping a diary of your libido and see if you see patterns. Choose three times during the day (morning, afternoon and evening) and rate how strong your desire is on a scale of 1 to 10. Continue journaling for a week. You will find that libido is subject to constant fluctuations and depends on the overall level of energy and stress. For some, the mood for sex appears in the morning, for others — in the afternoon or evening.
6. «Reduced attraction is caused by psychological problems»
Relationship problems and certain personality traits of a partner can lead to the fading of attraction. But a decrease in libido in both men and women can be associated with physiological problems: cardiovascular or hormonal disorders (for example, a decrease in testosterone levels), chronic pain, depression, anxiety, side effects of antidepressants or contraceptives, the consequences of childbirth, surgery , diabetes, polycystic ovaries and other diseases.