Why self-compassion is more important than high self-esteem

Recently, a girl came to me for a consultation — a young teacher in an anxious state. She told me about her teaching experience: knowledge and preparation were all right. However, nervousness and self-doubt covered her right in the midst of classes.

“The problem is not what I do. The problem is me. Colleagues say they feel my self-doubt,” she explained.

The girl spoke about her childhood and intensive training in music. She emphasized her irresistible craving for perfection. At the moment of insight, we laughed with her. Anyone who has ever taught a class knows that teaching requires constant flexibility and adaptability.

Student audiences are never perfect. Likewise, teachers are not perfect. That is why teaching is difficult, but interesting. After that, I saw the girl pierce the bubble of her anxiety: “What if I just tell myself that everything is fine.”

Of course, many of us are familiar with this problem. Cutting edge research by Kristin Neff in the field of self-compassion helps solve it. In Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Self-Kindness, Christine Neff describes three components of self-compassion:

• Self-kindness is the ability to be gentle and accepting towards yourself rather than harsh and critical.
• Shared humanity is an acknowledgment of the fact that we are not alone in our suffering and can feel connected to others who are experiencing similar pain.
• Mindfulness is the ability to live a harmonious life in the present and be aware of the experience gained without exaggerating or avoiding it.

Self-compassion is based on acceptance, while self-esteem is based on social comparison: being above average, special, and outstanding.

Setting these differences aside, Neff’s findings show that high levels of self-compassion and high self-esteem produce similar benefits: reduced anxiety and depression, increased levels of happiness, optimism, and positive emotions.

However, unlike self-compassion, high self-esteem has its drawbacks. In Neff’s research, participants with low levels of self-compassion and high self-esteem had a hard time when their abilities were questioned and their ego threatened.

At the same time, participants with high levels of self-compassion experienced less anxiety when asked to discuss their weaknesses in a mock interview process. Self-assessment did not affect the results of the experiment. Regardless of their level of self-esteem, participants with low levels of self-compassion were uncomfortable talking about their shortcomings.

In another study, participants were asked to imagine their reaction to a potentially embarrassing situation, such as forgetting words while acting in a theatrical production, or causing a team to lose an important game.

Participants with high levels of self-compassion were less likely to feel humiliated and incompetent. The rest of the participants, regardless of the level of self-esteem, were much more critical of themselves.

Some people dismiss the idea of ​​self-compassion because they associate it with self-justification or self-pity. This is not true. Further research by Kristen Neff and Roos Fonck found that people with high self-esteem are more likely to display narcissism than people with low self-esteem.

At the same time, self-compassion has nothing to do with narcissism at all. Self-compassion is good to practice and can be learned.

Three things are enough to reduce anxiety levels and make life calmer:

• Be kind to yourself.
• Tell yourself that everything is fine, even if at the moment the situation seems catastrophic.
• Remember that you are not alone in your difficulties.

Try to take a more balanced and accepting stance when you feel unworthy. Don’t judge yourself.

About the Expert: Amy L. Iva is an educational psychologist at the Center for the Science of the Higher Good at the University of California, Berkeley.