If the family is support and support, the person is lucky. But sometimes it’s the people closest to you who hurt the most. And it is more difficult to deal with them and defend their interests than with strangers. Why it happens?
“After the death of my mother, my brother was changed. We have always been friends. Now he is ready to sue every centimeter of her apartment from me. He had already turned the rest of his family against me, now he turned to mutual friends. This is my brother! How could this happen? — shares Irina, 38 years old.
“I found that the wallet was missing money. At first I thought I miscalculated. But I’m a pensioner, you can’t count much here. I realized that the money disappears when the granddaughter comes. It’s scary to even admit it’s true. I don’t want to complain to my parents, but I don’t know how to look into her eyes now, ”- Tatyana Sergeevna, 61 years old.
“My sister asked me to lend her money for a new smartphone when she broke her old one. I gave. We agreed that for two months. A year has passed, she kept pretending that nothing happened. I reminded – stopped answering calls. With whom else I would not stand on ceremony, but this is my sister … I decided to forget. But somehow it is not forgotten,” Roman, 35 years old.
Quite often, grievances inflicted by relatives hurt more painfully than if they were caused by acquaintances or colleagues. Family ties can turn into fetters when it comes to sorting out relationships or trying to defend one’s position.
Why does the family hurt more? The first and most obvious answer is because they are our relatives. The nearest consanguineous or not even consanguineous, but chosen by us – if this is a spouse, for example. We are strongly connected, and in our minds there is often an attitude that the family should be a support and support. Ideally, this is so, but in life, unfortunately, relatives do not always meet our expectations.
The habit of sharing and consulting, helping with deeds and money binds us tightly to family members. This means that we trust them, rely on them and count on their support. And, meeting a different reaction, we feel doubly vulnerable – if only because with colleagues and friends we hold much stronger boundaries – both financial and personal.
In order not to destroy relationships, we are ready to forget grievances, write off debts, “not notice” hurting sarcasm
Who knows the weakest strings of our soul, if not the brother or sister with whom we grew up together? Who knows many of our secrets, if not the closest people? The connecting threads can become strings that are played by those who, in our opinion, break the rules and hurt us. And when we discover that our revelations “can be used against us,” it feels like our trust has been betrayed.
Powerlessness, anger, deceived expectations – and, of course, resentment is covered with a head. These feelings are hard to bear, as is the thought that an important pillar of life—good relationships with family members—has turned out to be unreliable. “It was as if the ground had slipped from under my feet. It would be better if I didn’t have a brother – and it wouldn’t hurt so much now, ”Irina describes her feelings in this way.
In many cases, we forgive family members for things that others would not be let down. In order not to destroy relationships, we are ready to forget grievances, write off debts, “not notice” hurting sarcasm or a secret “accidentally revealed” to the public.
However, forgiveness is not the same volitional act as, for example, hammering a nail or turning off the TV. Forgiveness can be born spontaneously in a person’s soul. Or it may not come even after many years of a sincere desire to forgive the offender. This is where being honest with yourself is important. Because an unforgiven resentment, most likely, will still gradually undermine the relationship.
With a mutual desire to maintain intimacy, you need to talk about the situation and your feelings and hear the other side. Then there is a chance to understand each other, forgive and continue to communicate without hidden negativity.
Or perhaps this conversation will open our eyes to the fact that we were deceived and believed too much in the sanctity of family ties, built illusions about this person, and he is simply not what we thought. Well, the truth is sometimes useful, though not always pleasant.
The value of family ties is also used by those who are prone to aggression, abuse, and violence. And those who are not ready to give warmth and love to close people – children especially suffer from this, such wounds remain for life.
Sometimes the victim is faced with a terrible choice: cut off contact with one relative or the whole family, or swallow the insult and continue communication with the one who has hurt or regularly hurts. Sometimes it is because of family ties that the situation is so difficult for a person that the help of a psychotherapist is needed, especially when it comes to violence.