PSYchology

Psychologists have long noticed that people suffering from personality disorders attract each other. Interestingly, usually in such couples, partners suffer from disorders of the «opposite» type, as if complementing each other. Psychotherapist Tarra Bates-Dufort talks about why this happens.

Sometimes in the couples I’m about to talk about, one of the partners has a real personality disorder, while the other only has pronounced opposing personality traits.

What exactly are the features? People with borderline personality disorder often form relationships with those who have narcissistic traits (or even narcissistic personality disorder). Here are typical signs of these disorders.

People with borderline personality disorder are:

  • Desperate attempts not to be abandoned (regardless of whether there really is such a threat).
  • Unstable relationships (love, family, friendships), constant switching between intimacy and love (idealization) and bitterness and hatred (devaluation).
  • Distorted self-image.
  • Tendency to impulsive, risky, rash acts.
  • Regular suicide attempts, threats to commit suicide, self-harm.
  • Constant mood swings: The emotional state can change dramatically every few days or even every few hours.
  • Constant feeling of inner emptiness.
  • Inappropriate outbursts of anger, inability to control one’s anger.
  • Paranoid thoughts as a response to stress.
  • Pronounced dissociative symptoms: a feeling of alienation from oneself (as if a person is watching himself from the side), loss of contact with reality.

People with narcissistic personality disorder are:

  • Inflated self-conceit (“everything is allowed to me”).
  • The tendency to manipulate others to satisfy their desires and needs.
  • The expectation that others will recognize their superiority, even if it is not backed by any real achievements.
  • Tendency to exaggerate one’s talents and accomplishments.
  • Extreme arrogance.
  • Obsessive fantasies about success, power, genius, beauty, the ideal partner.
  • The notion of one’s own exclusivity and readiness to communicate on an equal footing only with other «exceptional» people.
  • The need for constant admiration.
  • The requirement of a special attitude towards yourself and the fulfillment of all wishes.
  • Inability to see and respect the needs of others.
  • Envy of others and the belief that others envy them.

Initially, in such a relationship, partners give each other what each of them needs, as if complementing each other. However, rather quickly, incompatibility and an unhealthy atmosphere begin to destroy the couple.

Partners make unrealistic demands of each other, refuse to admit their frustrations, and are not ready to change anything in order to maintain the relationship. Plus, partners often provoke each other to exacerbate hidden internal problems. For example, borderline sufferers often act obsessively and demand constant attention, while narcissists avoid emotional intimacy with them.

What can partners in such couples do to try to maintain the relationship and make it more harmonious? Here are some suggestions.

People with narcissistic personality traits should:

  • Understand yourself, determine what provokes inadequate reactions.
  • Refuse alcohol and psychotropic substances or reduce their use as much as possible.
  • Try to restrain yourself and not succumb to impulsive aspirations. Refrain from betrayal, aggressive defensive reactions.
  • Be more open to your partner and not be afraid of insecurity.

People with borderline personality disorder should:

  • Understand yourself and the feelings associated with the fear of being abandoned.
  • Try to maintain a healthy distance with your partner and not choke him with excessive intrusiveness.

Maintaining a relationship can be difficult, even if no one in the couple suffers from personality disorders. The presence of mental problems in partners further complicates the relationship. Relationships are more likely to last when the partner or partners with personality disorders are willing to acknowledge problems (both personal and shared) and work to resolve them.

It is important that both partners sincerely want to change their behavior, otherwise the problems will persist even if they find new partners for themselves. Psychotherapy and psychological counseling can help them not only solve their current problems, but also develop the necessary skills and abilities to deal with those problems that may arise in the future.

About the Author: Tarra Bates-Dufort is a psychotherapist, marital and trauma specialist.

Leave a Reply