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The child grows up smart, lively, creative … But here’s the problem: others always go around him at the turn, but he is silent and steps aside. Psychologists explain: the matter is in the attitudes that we instill in the child. How to track these moments and what to do so as not to deprive the child of will?
In the courtyard he is not called to play or is given the most petty and passive role. At school, classmates try to blame him, bully and ridicule him. At competitions and competitions, he is afraid to show himself, he constantly takes second, third and even last places. Parents are trying to figure it out, demanding to punish the offenders, perhaps to transfer their son or daughter to another school. But the same thing is repeated there.
Without realizing it, we ourselves plant a scenario of failure in our children’s heads. Why is this happening?
We are not interested in their opinion
“Unfortunately, both from parents and teachers, the child often receives an instruction: “you are nothing”, “your opinion is not significant”, “obey,” explains psychologist Victoria Shimanskaya. — The child is required to follow the instructions, without explaining why this is necessary. I said so because I’m an adult, because «this is how it should be.» With repeated repetition, the child at the level of neurophysiology learns this as the «correct» way of learning and responding.
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“Before you teach a child something, ask: what does he already know about it? What would you like to know? the psychologist advises. – Perhaps the look of the child will be a discovery for you. Be sure to explain the goal: why we need to complete this task. Learning the names of cities to pass a test is not the goal. And together to make a travel route, having studied the name of the cities, is the goal. Result? In the first case, we teach the child to blindly fulfill the requirement, because we or the teacher need it, and in the second, we encourage him to seek his own way of knowing the world.”
WE DO NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO EMOTIONS
“Yes, this is nonsense, what are you whining about?” Parents often react to the child’s emotions as behavior that betrays his weakness or looks like an attempt to pity them. “Gradually, the child ceases to understand what he really feels,” says Victoria Shimanskaya. — He feels bad, but his mother says that this is normal. The child is confused, he tries to feel what the parents expect, but only more confused in himself.
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“If parents want to cultivate an independent personality in a child, he must speak with him in the language of accepting emotions,” the psychologist emphasizes. For example, like this: “I understand that you are sad now. I get sad too. Sadness helps us understand what is valuable to us, that something did not work out for us. It is important to give the opportunity to experience sadness, acknowledge it and then find a solution together. When we want to teach a child something, it is very important not only to give an instruction and demand its implementation, but also to pronounce the emotions that arise.”
WE ARE TOO CAREFUL THEM
It seems that this action is positive — we care, we want the best. But, in an effort to protect the child from risks, we inform him: the world is dangerous, and you are weak, you will not cope. Having received such an instruction, the child himself begins to avoid situations that cause him stress, anxiety, and endanger his self-esteem.
“These children do not have enough simple life skills, they were not created conditions or opportunities, they were protected from some communities, not giving them the opportunity to figure it out,” explains psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. The child succumbs to pressure, chooses for himself the company in which he will be assigned a deliberately safe role (either accepting the role of a victim and a whipping boy, or finding those who will allow him to be an authority).
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If an adult acts as a judge or deliverer, this is a deliberate loss. The more he intervenes in a difficult situation (for example, a conflict with peers), the more he removes the child himself from the actions. “The first thing a parent can do is offer to sort out the situation together,” advises Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — Does Petya piss you off? Bullying? What can be done in response? How does he behave towards others? Yeah, is there a boy he doesn’t touch? It turns out he knows how to answer? What does he say? And how would you answer?
WE PROPHET THEM A CERTAIN FATE
In this case, the prescriptions look like this: “everyone in our family is like that”, “do not get out, you will be safer”, “do not show off”. In this way, parents may think that they sincerely care about the child: if he jumps above a given bar, he will fall and hit hard. Once they themselves experienced something similar and now instinctively try to protect their children from traumatic experiences.
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When there are no details in the parent script, the child begins to think that failures come by themselves, as if by magic. Then, in fact, nothing can be changed: there is evil fate, which is stronger.
But if you do not want your child to repeat your mistakes or get into trouble, try to sort out a specific situation with him. Why do you think the same thing could happen to him? How were the circumstances in your case? Was it possible to do otherwise? What kept you? What can be done in advance, foreseen, so as not to fail?
WE CONSTANTLY CONTROL THEM
Masha is seven years old. Her mother gathers her to school, because Masha «will definitely forget something.» Lessons are taught only together: «otherwise she will mess everything up.» Masha puts things in order in the room, but then mom comes and redoes everything. The next time, asking Masha to get out, she will hear: “Come on, you better, you will do well.”
According to psychologist Natalya Solntseva, such total control by parents inspires the child with the thought: he is not able to do anything himself, it is better to give the initiative to others. In the future, he easily declines responsibility when he hears the slightest hint of doubt in the voice of others.
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Focus not on problems, but on what happens: “Masha, how well you laid out the pencils.” If your child is struggling, talk to him about what is holding him back. If he refuses to clean up after himself or help around the house, talk about how it can be useful to him himself (“Remember how you couldn’t find your favorite toy?”), what the use of order in the house can be, what it can be Nice.
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Listen to the opinion of the child, give him the opportunity to express emotions and feelings, not dividing them into “bad” and “good”, acceptable and unacceptable, try to control and patronize less — easier said than done. But if we at least try to follow these rules, time after time, day after day, it will help our children grow up confident in themselves and their abilities.