The end of the institution of marriage is not far off. Such a forecast is increasingly heard from TV screens and in public discussions. But then why does the statistics say otherwise and why are there still a lot of people who want to conclude an official union? What makes people be together and what to expect from marriage in the future?
“When I got married 25 years ago, I thought that we, like in a fairy tale, would live happily ever after,” recalls Irina, 44. — But our children grew up and live separately, and my husband and I once asked each other: why are we together now and why should we be together in 5, 10, 20 years? And we realized that we have no common future as a man and a woman. So we filed for divorce.»
And 27-year-old Anna and 30-year-old Yuri are not going to get married at all, although they have been living together for six years, and their child will soon be two years old. “Yuri bought an apartment in my name, and I am sure that even if we part, he will take care of my daughter and me. This is a matter of trust, not a stamp. And if you don’t trust, why even live with such a person, ”Anna explains the decision.
So many people argue. Maybe marriage as such has lost its appeal today … But if you believe the statistics, this is not so.
Your reasons
The number of people getting married has decreased compared to the peak of 2011, but there are still more people who want to get married than divorce, and most children are also born in an officially registered marriage, according to Rosstat.
“Marriage statistics are not entirely correct,” notes the existential-humanistic psychotherapist Stanislav Malanin. “They do not take into account civil unions, which are very common here.”
Some politicians even suggested equating them with the official ones — after 5 years of marriage and after two if there are children. In the event that this proposal is accepted, the question of entering into «living together» may become as serious as marriage.
What makes couples strive to formalize the relationship in the registry office? Sometimes the reasons are the most frivolous: “Today, many girls are driven by a dream — to play a magnificent wedding, surprise acquaintances and friends, wear a beautiful dress like a princess, and then post photos on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) and collect more likes. They are driven by fantasies and the desire to do something memorable. This scenario has been imposed on them since childhood by films, music, series, fairy tales,” explains Stanislav Malanin.
Another reason is following the family tradition and expectations: “parents got married, so the children need it too”
In addition to the «ideological» reasons, there is also an economic one: the accumulation of personal property of partners and its transfer to heirs. Until the law changes, the official spouse has more rights than the partner. “Decision-making for a person who is not able to do it himself, for example, is sick, is assigned to a husband or wife. But if you are not married, then this right will pass to relatives, no matter how much you prove that you have been living together for many years, ”recalls humanistic psychotherapist Alexei Stepanov.
And although there are alternative ways to formalize relations legally: write a will, a power of attorney, appoint a representative, this is a laborious procedure that also makes you wonder: who are we to each other? What responsibility are you willing to take on? Marriage from this point of view is a simpler and more comprehensive answer.
“Marriage and wedding is a statement to society that “we are now a couple, we live together, enter into certain relationships and have obligations to each other,” emphasizes Alexei Stepanov.
As long as we have the need to call society and the state to witness our relationship, the institution of marriage will continue. But marriage and family are concepts that coincide only in part. What affects the strength of a married couple?
The myth of the soulmate
“Many do not think about what will happen after the wedding. The roles of the bride and groom are one thing, and the roles of husband and wife are another, says coach and expressive psychotherapist Marik Khazin. — Yesterday’s fiance suddenly makes some claims. She has her own list of requests for him. The stage of euphoria, falling in love, which psychologists consider a form of neurosis, is passing.
The most long-term relationships are built when partners are realistic and understand that they themselves can change, and their feelings can fade or transform.
“If the couple initially had nothing but passion, sooner or later it will break up,” Stanislav Malanin is convinced. — But I know examples when couples created at the peak of love at the age of 18-19 are still happy, they have several children. They had crises, which is absolutely normal in a long-term relationship, but they overcame them.
Love in marriage is a necessary condition, but not a sufficient one. “If each of the partners considers relationships to be their basic system-forming value, most likely the couple will survive and will successfully resolve conflicts and solve problems,” Alexey Stepanov concludes.
Here, however, there is an important difference: we value relationships because they delight and enrich us, or because we simply cannot bear loneliness.
Often, behind the desire to be with someone, self-doubt is hidden, and we begin to look for a “soul mate”. “When we say“ my soul mate ”, it’s as if we recognize that without the other we are flawed and that only in union with someone we find ourselves whole. This is possible, but it is rather a sign of an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship, ”says Stanislav Malanin. In a healthy partnership, people live together, not forgetting either their own needs or the needs of a partner, everyone has a personal space.
So, only those couples where both are completely healthy, mature, self-fulfilling can count on an optimistic forecast? No, it’s not.
Sometimes it is really easier for two neurotics to live together. “For example, the marriage of a narcissist and an addict,” continues Alexei Stepanov, “their types of neuroticism are complementary, and such a union can be long.”
But if the couple still ceases to exist after some time, this is not a reason for despair. Today, parting ceases to be the collapse of life and becomes one of its stages.
The benefits of divorce
Marriage in its usual form (one for life) is becoming obsolete, but, changing, it will continue to exist, Marik Khazin is convinced. It’s just that we will converge more often and diverge more often.
“No matter how paradoxical it sounds, we are getting married in order to disperse. If partners realize that marriage is not a lifelong obligation and one day it may end, then they will see new opportunities. For example, they will not make a tragedy out of a divorce and will accept it as a resource for the next period. Or they will conduct an honest “audit and modernization” in their pair.
We often do not admit that marriage has exhausted itself: we are afraid to break the family tradition (“No one in our family got divorced!”), Or we don’t want to be left alone (“Let it be with such a husband, but not alone”), or we live “ for the sake of the children”, plunging them into the daily hell of parental quarrels.
Why is it so difficult to part with the dream of a happy family, even when it does not correspond to reality?
Swiss Jungian analyst Adolf Guggenbühl-Craig, author of Marriage is Dead—Long Live Marriage! offers an unexpected explanation: the image of the Holy Family — Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus — is translated into various spheres of modern life in Christian Europe and Russia. Glowing with joy, families in advertising drink juice, obligatory happy endings sum up novels and movies.
All couples strive for the “holy ideal”, sometimes without even realizing it, says Marik Khazin. The life of many families is a permanent passage along the Cannes red carpet under the eyes of real or imaginary spectators. And it doesn’t matter what later, behind the scenes, the “dear spouses” will scatter — some to the TV, some to the gadget, some to the bottle.
“Ask yourself: How many happy couples do you know? — suggests Marik Khazin. — And for how many the phrase «Until death do us part» sounds like a sentence? A hundred years ago, 40-year-olds were considered old. Now, thanks to medicine, we are active at ninety. It’s one thing to live happily ever after for 15 years, another for 50. For many, this is torment.
So, maybe it’s not worth fighting for the preservation of both the very institution of marriage and a separate family?
Relationships, in principle, do not need to be “preserved,” the psychotherapist objects: “This is not canned food and not Lenin in the Mausoleum! It is always dynamics and development, with ups and downs. There are disputes, conflicts, mistakes, shortcomings of partners. Happy are those who recognize each other’s imperfection and love a real person, and not a notion about him. Yes, there is a lot of routine in marriage, but when there is only routine in it, it is already a swamp, and you need to get out of it.
Try frankly, without accusations and claims, to answer: how much from 0 to 100 am I satisfied with my relationship? This simple question can start an honest conversation as a couple.
“In order for the relationship not to fade away, spouses need to find at least two hours a week to communicate alone, without children, grandmothers and friends,” recommends Marik Khazin. — Once a month, spend at least one day together, preferably outside the home. And travel together at least once a year.” Then the marriage has a chance for the future.