“Forgive and it will get easier,” says a friend. «Well, what are you pouting about?» asks a partner who took out his anger on you an hour ago and did not apologize. And we forgive, let go, try to forget. But psychologist Harriet Lerner is sure that forgiving everyone is not necessary and even harmful.
The idea that everyone should be forgiven is in the air. It is broadcast with good intentions, but in itself is harmful. Its essence is that forgiveness is the path to a life free from bitterness and hatred. And if you cannot forgive an unscrupulous offender, then you are a spiritually undeveloped person and you are facing serious emotional and physical problems. These myths hurt people. But there are many ways to let go and find peace that don’t involve forgiveness. If you believe that forgiveness, like gratitude, is a universal healing emotion, you start to promote this idea and you can even start putting pressure on others to forgive those who hurt them.
But it often happens that the offender did not even apologize, lives as if nothing had happened, does not feel remorse and does not admit his mistake. “What your father did to you is a long time ago. I see no reason to delve into the past and harbor old grievances. Can’t you forgive him and move on in peace? the mother asks her adult daughter. A mother may say this out of good intentions, but she risks turning her daughter into a victim.
And what does the offended side need to hear?
In order to be healed, the offended person needs to hear clear confirmation that what they have experienced is terrible.
People who continue to be angry and bitter are often incapable of direct judgment after being betrayed or abandoned. The child or adult may have been told that nothing bad has happened, that their feelings and perceptions are wrong, excessive, or abnormal. Maybe they even said that he himself is to blame for what happened, that this is all the result of his wrong behavior.
In order to be healed, the offended person needs to hear clear confirmation that what he has experienced is terrible, that his feelings and perceptions make sense. To offer to forgive the offender is to make them experience even more emotional instability. He will again feel that he was betrayed, even if the offense or insults are insignificant, if they are great, even more so.
The words «Well, why should you forgive him?» — the last thing that an offended or deceived person should hear, because the one who did wrong to him did nothing to deserve forgiveness. The clichés “She tried her best”, “What happened, happened” or “It happened 40 years ago” are useless.
No one has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn’t forget.
The only thing you can say in such a situation is that you hope that the offended person will find a way to cope with the severity of anger and pain. As I explain in Why Don’t You Apologize? («Why Won’t You Apologize?»): You won’t become a less loving or whole person because you can’t forgive or don’t want to see someone.
Perhaps you are even a stronger and more courageous person because you managed to survive the anger and continue to move on. No one has the right to tell you what you should forget and what not: not a therapist, not a mother, not a priest, not a minister, not a teacher, not a relationship expert.
About the expert: Harriet Lerner is a psychologist and psychotherapist.