Contents
Why not be in a hurry to overcome a duel
Psychology
A hard loss led the psychologist Xavier Savin to write “The Last Trip”, a book that tries to help all those who do not know how to cope with a duel and who strive to be happy
Facing death is a challenge that we all must face at some point in life. However, few are preparing for it. When a lethal disease settles in a loved one, the disappointment and suffering, as if a death comes unexpectedly, but it can also be open a stage in which wonderful things happen.
The psychologist Xavier Savin He has just published “The Last Trip”, a book that he would have liked to read with his father during his illness and in it he talks about how to cope with grief from all points of view: that of the sick person, the family member, the friend and all the people who have a relationship with them, whether for professional or personal reasons.
Starting from the moment when his father, sick with cancer, began “his last journey”, and explaining why those last two years of life were full of esperanza y disappointments, Savin addresses the duel theme also speaking about happiness because, in his opinion, “a happy life facilitates a peaceful death.”
The author advocates not falling into what he calls «the happiness trap», Where it seems to be mandatory to have fun and feel happy all the time. His recipe for facing life in the best way is to “try to be doing things that are worthwhile ».
He talks in his book about “how not to fall into the trap of happiness” and tries to say that when a loved one dies, it is not necessary to make an effort to be happy and content. How do you come to accept that discomfort and not try to “get yourself together” as soon as possible?
The objective is precisely that, not to make an effort. Recognize the emotion, name it, find the reason and try to make sense of it. When we stop fighting the way loss makes us feel, that’s when we start to regain control.
Feeling sad because someone you love has been lost has nothing wrong because it is not mandatory to always feel good and happy. Trying to feel this way when going through a moment like this ultimately makes us feel sad as well as guilty, and that is the trap of happiness, when my desire to be happy makes it even more difficult for me.
He says that it is nice to consciously experience the death of a loved one. It is difficult to have that vision at such a difficult time. What do you mean?
You miss someone who has loved you very much and that is something nice. Sometimes we confuse pretty and nice. It is not pleasant to be with a sick person but it is beautiful, in the same way that it is not fun to go to a funeral home, but it can mean sharing some endearing moments with those who love and support us in a moment as delicate as this.
The following quote can be read in his book: “Not only pleasant emotions bring us closer to happiness.” If fun, good or exciting are not the only sensations that make us happy, what are those others?
We can understand happiness as the way we feel when we do something that amuses us. But we also talk about being happy when we do something that is consistent with our values. In this sense, it makes us happy to help, study, work hard … and it does not necessarily imply that by doing so we are having fun with it.
He lost a loved one a few years ago and that is what led him to write “The Last Trip.” There he tries to advise people who, like you, are facing a farewell …
I advise such people not to be in a hurry to get over the grief. Everything has a process and it is good to move forward as each phase, with its main emotion, makes sense. It is also important to do everything possible to recover all the behaviors that you did and used to enjoy in the past. The end of the duel will be the time to try to draw some lesson that can bring us something, although you should not feel bad if this resists.
And for those who accompany these people who are grieving, what advice would you give them?
They must act with patience and respecting the emotions of the person, giving them the possibility to talk about it when they feel like it; no need to ask, just create a situation that can make it possible. And propose plans that allow him to gradually recover those things that he used to do before the loss and with which he enjoyed. In no case should he be told how he should feel, nor should he be judged for not going as fast as we would like. It is enough to be.