Dealing with a narcissistic personality is a painful and traumatic experience. It can plunge into a state of stress and even depression, especially when it comes to someone close – a partner, parents. Such people are simply not ready to understand the simple truth: we are all different and have the right to love and respect. And that’s why they are not able to realize it.
1. They compete with us
Narcissists only feel at ease when they are in control. They just need to feel power and dominate others. So, when interacting with people, all they care about is the question: who is winning now? Which is why they get offended so easily. Their fragile ego is forced to constantly defend itself and turns any words or actions addressed to them into a cause for conflict.
2. They are inherently “black and white thinking”
Their mind operates with extremely simple and rigid concepts: “win-lose”, “right-wrong”, “honest-false”, “logical-illogical”, and so on. And, of course, they are always honest, rational, logical winners. Halftones are inaccessible to them, and it is almost impossible to convince them of something.
3. They constantly blame others.
Since the world for narcissists is black and white, it’s obvious that if you disagree with them on something or don’t act the way they would like, then there is “something wrong” with you. They masterfully shift the blame to others, which allows them to:
- evade responsibility for their words and actions;
- be convinced of one’s own superiority;
- avoid negative feelings about yourself (they are always right).
No matter how ugly such a person behaves and no matter how correctly you act, he will be able to turn the situation around in such a way that it turns out that it is you who are to blame for everything.
4. They lack curiosity
Genuine acceptance involves curiosity, interest in another person, a desire to know him deeper. Narcissists, on the other hand, are categorically not interested in you – simply because they are too self-absorbed and focused on their defense mechanisms.
5. They think they are better than others.
By accepting another, we thereby agree that he is at least no worse than us and has every right to his emotions and perceptions. Narcissists, on the other hand, certainly do not regard others as equals.
Why would they accept you if you are not in a hurry to adapt, meet their expectations and play the role that they assigned you?
6. They lack flexibility
“Where there is a clear path to follow, emotionally immature people can achieve good results, sometimes achieving great success and the respect of others,” writes Lindsey K. Gibson in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. “But when it comes to relationships or situations where you need to make decisions based on your own feelings, their immaturity becomes obvious.
They either show a complete lack of flexibility or act impulsively and try to deal with reality by reducing it to something they can control. Having formed their opinion about something, they no longer accept alternative points of view. For them, there is only one correct answer, and if someone thinks otherwise, they take it with hostility and quickly become defensive. You can’t explain better.
7. It is important for them to always be superior to others.
Behind this lies a fragile, wounded self-esteem, but this does not justify them.
Trying your best to make them feel better is not your job.
8. They don’t have the slightest idea of naturalness.
Narcissists behave this way because they have long lost touch with their real selves. Typically, the reason for this lies in early childhood trauma – survival mode does not involve the formation of a healthy sense of self at all, but when the narcissist grows up, he completely concentrates on his “self” as compensation. Full emotional development does not occur.
And the answer is simple: narcissists don’t accept you because they don’t accept themselves. They lack empathy to understand that you are a unique person with your own thoughts, feelings, emotions. They are too focused on the need to protect their fragile egos to even consider others.
But the main question, of course, is different: why do you need their acceptance and approval at all? However, this is a topic for a separate discussion.