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Almost all narcissistic parents have one thing in common: they keep their children from growing up. Sometimes this manifests itself directly: every time the child tries something new, he is given to understand how clumsy he is, and sometimes it is implicit: the parents constantly do everything for the child, even when he is able to cope on his own. What to do with it?
This attitude towards the child usually continues even when he grows up. If the parent feels that the child is becoming more independent and will soon get out of control, it gets worse.
Infantilization is defined in the dictionary as “artificially keeping a person in the state of a small child.” In other words, parents treat the child as if he is much less than his real age. Narcissistic parents behave this way because they perceive the child as an extension of themselves.
If the child is aware of such behavior, the parents will try to control him using guilt, fear, and any other tricks. That is why the adolescence of a child is especially difficult for such parents: the teenager begins to demand more and more freedom, and the narcissistic parent is most afraid of losing control over the child and therefore perceives this as a threat.
Trying to fight this “threat”, adults begin to undermine the independence of the child in various ways. Convince the child that he is not able to cope with anything on his own, or just talk to him all the time like a baby.
How do narcissistic parents prevent their child from growing up?
1. Disapproval. They may constantly throw judgmental glances or ask unpleasant questions about his private life and the choices he makes. Any decision the child makes without consulting the parent will be met with disapproval. So they try to convince him that he should always consult with them first – they show him that he is not capable of deciding anything on his own.
2. Interference with personal and private life. Most narcissists believe they have the right to interfere in the lives of adult children at any time. For example, they may try to tell them who to date and who not to. In the most severe cases, they can even deliberately spoil the child’s relationship with a partner.
3. Excessive criticism. By constantly criticizing for any reason, parents undermine the child’s self-esteem. Many mothers instill insecurity in their daughters in this way, while, from their point of view, they are only trying to help them. Such a mother may constantly make derogatory comments about the child’s overweight, his lack of taste in clothes, the “wrong” choice of profession and life partner, trying to show the child that she knows what is best for him.
Many are so accustomed to such an attitude from their parents that only in adulthood do they begin to realize that the problem exists at all.
What if you are the child of a narcissistic parent?
1. Set boundaries. Most of all, the narcissist hates being put in his place. Until you set boundaries for your privacy, such a parent will continue to control you. Therefore, you should not tell him too much about your life, and even more so, you should not share information that can be used against you, for example, talk about your financial problems.
2. Prepare standard responses. Prepare 4-5 standard responses to parental teachings and complaints. If they start teaching, politely but firmly say, “You are used to doing this, and I am not. And we’re both right in our own way.” A few more options: “Thanks, but I can handle it myself”, “This is your opinion, and I have the right to disagree with it”, “This is my decision, and I do not want to discuss it with you.” By ending the conversation, you take away the narcissist’s control over the conversation.
3. Just walk away. If all else fails, you can always just walk away. Arguing with a narcissist is pointless. He will never understand your point of view and will always insist that he is right.
About the Developer
Rachel Lee is an Australian journalist.