30 years ago, sociologists promised that in our time, household chores would be distributed equally between the sexes. However, the lion’s share of housework still lies with women. Why didn’t the predictions come true?
“The last straw was the bag of socks. My husband never bothers to put his clothes away after washing, they could stay in the dryer for weeks. I got so tired of asking him to put his things away that I gathered all his clean socks in one bag and put the bag in his half of the bedroom, thinking that now he would be forced to take everything apart. Instead, he just started taking socks from the bag. As a result, the package was in our bedroom for almost three months. It’s funny now to remember, but this package almost destroyed our relationship,” says 37-year-old Anna.
Anna realized that she and her husband had an equal relationship while they lived apart, but when they moved in together, the situation began to change. Now she was the only one who changed the sheets, did the laundry and bought groceries.
“I began to think: “Why am I the only one doing this?” We both worked full time, earned about the same, why was it that I had to rush home from work in order to have time to buy groceries or cook something? He didn’t even notice it, what could that say about our relationship?” she says.
Clearly define household chores. For example: she washes the dishes, he washes the floors. It is important not to break the rules
Sociologists predicted 30 years ago that by 2015 household chores would be shared equally between the sexes. Why didn’t this happen even today?
Sociologist Jenny Van Huff from the City University of Manchester (UK), author of the book Modern Couples, is studying modern childless married couples in which both partners work – in theory, it is in such couples that it is most logical to expect an even distribution of household responsibilities.
In fact, it turned out that in almost all the couples she met, women still did most of the housework. “Even when the men did participate, they only acted as helpers for the women,” says Van Huff.
How to talk to a partner
Discussing such topics with a partner is always difficult, and such discussions often cause difficult feelings for both. Counseling psychologist Jacqui Marson suggests approaching such conversations as follows:
1. Breathe calmly before speaking to relax. If your partner feels your tension during a conversation, he may feel aggression on your part, and he will begin to defend himself.
2. First praise – sincerely – for something good, and then move on to criticism.
3. Be prepared that you may be wrong. Listen to your partner’s words.
4. Respect each other. Don’t say “You do…” or “You…” Instead, use phrases like “It makes me sad when you…” or “I feel”. You don’t have to blame your partner.
Experts recommend clearly delimiting the household duties of partners. For example: she washes the dishes, he washes the floors. It is important not to break the established rules.
“My husband and I talked and decided that cooking would be on him. Because of this, for the next couple of years I had to constantly eat steaks and hamburgers – not my favorite food – but I was determined to stick to our agreement, ”says Jacqui Marson.
When I heard her story, I was horrified and thought: “I would definitely have to cook myself,” and I suddenly realized my hidden benefit: yes, I complain that I alone have to buy all the products and cook, but I always eat what I myself want.
One Percent Rule
The routine needs to be changed gradually. If you or your partner are worried about these changes, Marson advises using the 1% Rule: “Ask yourself: what in my behavior can I change even just a little bit, by 5%? If everything goes well, then you can bring the change to 20%, and then up to XNUMX%.”
For example, you could make a vow to yourself next weekend not to clean up after anyone but yourself, and see how you feel about it. At the same time, you will see if someone else will remove all this.
I’m doing my own experiment with 5% change – I stopped vacuuming. Given the fact that a shaggy dog lives in the house, and our floors are made of dark wood, this experiment is more likely to pull on 20% of the changes. I’d swear the dog hair carpet is growing right in front of my eyes.
But I remember the words of Marson – no one will die from the fact that I do not vacuum? Answer: no one really. Why then does it bother me? The answer to this question sounds long and complicated, but in general it comes down to the fact that I am afraid that one “friend” will shame me. What do I have to lose? So far, absolutely nothing.
About the author: Rosie Ifold is a British journalist.