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In a relationship, we continually take offense at a partner: he is not interested in our problems, listens inattentively, does not support emotionally … But at these very moments, men suffer from misunderstanding no less. How do they perceive our behavior and what can we change? The psychologist comments on four typical situations.
Ingratitude and indifference
Men often think that a woman does not value them and takes everything they do for her and her family for granted.
“I work hard so that my wife and child live with dignity,” Matvey admits. — However, she never once asked about my successes, did not support me. I would like to feel that my efforts are appreciated and that my wife is proud of me.”
Why does a woman do this
“A woman can appreciate a man, but she has no idea how important it is to thank and praise each other. She could not have gained this experience in her parental family,” says gestalt therapist Natalya Artsybasheva. — A man should try to praise her himself and speak directly about his need to hear praise from her.
Perhaps such female behavior is associated with hidden resentment, and this is a kind of message: “You offended me, so I will deprive you of praise.” The message is unclear and dangerous for the relationship.
In other words, a woman herself may lack attention from a man, but she does not talk about it directly. The only way to change this is to clarify what happened and resolve the situation on your own or with a specialist.”
Constant depression and expectation of support
If a woman is not in the mood all the time, a man often takes it personally. This makes him feel guilty.
“I don’t understand why women complicate everything so much,” Andrey says. Did you have a hard day at work? There will be another. Don’t like the job? We must change. Is it unpleasant that a friend constantly criticizes? Why is she among your friends? Life is much easier.»
Why does a woman do this
Men are better able to separate the emotional and rational spheres. Having made a decision, they stop reflecting and prefer to act. A woman in a difficult moment often needs not so much practical help or advice as a sense of belonging. This is how misunderstanding is born.
“Women are more sensitive to details, this is an evolutionary mechanism, the reverse side of the fact that they are able to distinguish thirty-three variants of his mood by the squeak of a baby,” explains Natalia Artsybasheva. Also, both genders deal with stress differently.
A man usually needs to either do something or forget. A woman needs to talk and be with someone close. Men expect a woman to give clear instructions on what to do. And when they don’t get it, they feel guilty and confused.”
Talk about nothing
A detailed narrative about something that does not attract much attention seems intrusive to many men.
“Sometimes she talks about things that are not interesting to me and obviously not very important for our relationship,” says Vadim. “Then I just go into my own thoughts. She accuses me of ignoring her interests, and a quarrel is kindled.
Why does a woman do this
Women know how to be attentive to the world of another person, they demonstrate a greater willingness to listen and discuss the problem than men. And they expect the same emotional return from their half. What men call “boring and redundant details” can be an important part of life for a woman.
“Mutual learning is very important in couples, and there is nothing wrong with telling a partner how best to support us, what can and cannot be expected from us,” says Natalya Artsybasheva. — It is worth agreeing about seemingly endless discussions that, for example, you cannot discuss fashion topics and family affairs of girlfriends, but you are ready to listen carefully and look for a joint solution about the psychology of communication and raising children.
It is important to define these boundaries and rely not on the amount of time spent in discussions, but on its quality. But the silent «withdrawal into your thoughts» is the road to an imperceptible distance from each other.
Dependence
Does she have her own life and friends? Men are often interested in this issue before deciding to build a close relationship. They fear that a woman will not encroach too much on their independence and deprive them of the opportunity to spend time at their own discretion.
“It is important for me that the woman I love is bored and wants to be with me. However, I don’t want her to strive to spend all her free time together, ”admits Mikhail.
Why does a woman do this
Young women are indeed strongly attached to the house and partner and give the impression of being dependent on spending time together. This is often referred to as the nesting instinct.
“This is how oxytocin, the neurotransmitter responsible for motherhood and the pleasure of intimacy and togetherness, manifests itself,” says the expert. — In the future, the presence of children greatly raises the level of anxiety — this is a natural evolutionary mechanism.
The cubs of non-anxious mothers would have been eaten by tigers long ago. Therefore, anxiety entrenched in us and helped to survive. The desire to rely on a man is largely due to the same.
However, if we are talking about painful dependence on a partner, when a woman makes him the center of her life and responsible for her psychological well-being, this is a reason to turn to a specialist.