Why Men Don’t See Their Wives Getting Old

A woman’s gaze at her reflection is often merciless. Their life partners are much more tolerant of changes in the appearance of their girlfriends.

“You will be 82 years old. You have become six centimeters shorter, you weigh only 45 kilograms, and you are still beautiful, feminine and desirable. We’ve been living together for 58 years now and I love you even more than ever.” These are lines from the last book “Letters to D. The Story of a Love” by the philosopher Andre Gorz, addressed to his wife Dorina (she was two years younger than her husband)*.

After reading them, many women shake their heads in disbelief. After all, long before the onset of such a venerable age, many of them begin to look anxiously at their reflection in the mirror. They fear that the appearance of wrinkles and bags under the eyes or sagging breasts will make them less attractive to a partner with whom they have been living for a long time.

Women are merciless to themselves when it comes to age-related changes. They seem to have made a commitment to always be seductive, beautiful and desirable.

“Each female time has its own beauty, but it’s hard to accept,” says psychotherapist Viktor Kagan, who works with older people. – Of course, not everyone perceives aging tragically, although I think everyone experiences it. Being attractive to a woman is important at any age. I see it in those in their 70s and 80s.”

“In addition, society supports women’s self-doubt,” adds psychotherapist Andrey Korneev, “imposing certain standards on them: how to look in order for a man to appreciate her. An entire industry is built on this: countless cosmetic firms, plastic surgery clinics, fitness centers will thrive and generate income only if women care about their appearance. In essence, they exploit their natural fear of losing an intimate relationship with their life partner. Such social pressure increases women’s anxiety and anxiety.”

Listen and shut up? Try to calm down? Every man has his own method. And most of them know that attempts to comfort their girlfriends will be met with disbelief.

“She is becoming more and more self-conscious,” says Igor, 53, of his 47-year-old wife. “I tell her that I like her and will always like her, but I feel that it is not possible to dispel her doubts.”

They see loved ones in general

Women notice every gray hair, every new wrinkle, complain about their rounded shapes … Why are they so strict with themselves? This is not coquetry at all, our experts are sure. It is very difficult for a woman to see how external attractiveness melts. For her, this is a real narcissistic wound, because the body (in her mind) symbolizes her power. It was thanks to him that she learned to love herself and to know her sexuality.

“A woman, in order to appreciate herself as a person, needs confidence that her body is attractive for its beauty,” explains psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto**. Seeing the signs of aging, she feels that she is losing value as a woman.

The paradox is that in many cases men do not really notice the changes that oppress their wives so much, they do not feel the full force of confusion experienced by their companions. At least, they do not attach much importance to them.

“The fact is that the trust of a relationship for a man is often more important than smooth skin or firm breasts of his wife,” explains Andrey Korneev. “We are talking about stable, warm relationships, when partners understand each other well, when they want to do something, take care of another – and this is mature love.”

Love unites a couple, and a man perceives his beloved woman as a whole. Therefore, he may not remember what color her blouse was on this morning.

In addition, let’s remember the classic, “you can’t see a face face to face.” In everyday married life, men simply do not have the distance needed for impartial observation. “I need to make a special effort to try to remember how my wife looked in detail ten years ago,” says Andrey Korneev. “And I’m not sure I can do it.” “Outside view” appears only when the relationship has already ceased and there are two strangers in the house,” adds Viktor Kagan.

Men change too

Of course, love does not make a man blind. Looking at photos and videos, he can note how a woman has changed. But next to him in the picture is himself 25 years ago – and where did his beautiful hair and muscular torso go? Their companions grow old – but the men themselves do not remain the same.

“Masha was a charming girl, now she is 59 years old, and she is a charming woman,” says 62-year-old Boris. She still has the same smile and is very charming. She has wrinkles, but they do not spoil her, it even seems to me that I have aged more than she does.

70-year-old Yuri tenderly talks about his wife and the same age as Anna, with whom they have been together for 39 years.

“We both have changed, change is in the order of things. The life that we have built together and our common plans for the future are now the most valuable thing for me.” And after a pause, smiling, he adds: “Her body has changed, but she is just as elegant. Changes in her appearance did not change my feelings, the need to see her and touch her.

“The sexual attraction of a woman to a man eventually develops into sexual affection,” Victor Kagan clarifies.

Of course, with age, her body and appearance change, but the man also becomes different, and he is aware of this. For many of them, it is important how a woman treats herself: she cares or has long given up on herself; active or over the years her world has narrowed down to a TV screen; whether he knows how to remain mysterious in something and be special just for him.

“After the birth of her daughter, our first child, Lisa remained slim and light, like a teenager. And now, 16 years later, we have a son. This birth has greatly changed her figure, but my feelings for her do not depend on the size of her waist. If that were the case, I would cease to respect myself!” — shares 51-year-old Sergey.

“For some men, the suspicion of addiction to the cult of physical youth (including the eternally young female body) can even be offensive,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. – Whether the matter here is love or a decisive rejection of the common stereotype (“gray hair in a beard” and the like) is not always clear. Reluctance to fit into the anecdotal image of an aging lover of young women can be a strong motivator for people who claim to be independent thinkers. An honest attitude to one’s own physical form, which time does not spare, completes the picture.

Do women talk too much about it?

Hair coloring, diet, plastic surgery… Age and struggle with it for some women become a favorite topic of conversation. How should men react to this? Join the discussion, keep silent? The opinions of our experts are divided.

“To avoid talking about what worries a woman means to ignore her feelings and increase fears,” says Andrey Korneev. “But you shouldn’t dismiss everything: “stop talking nonsense.” Openly and carefully answer all questions. A man can do a lot for a woman if he says, “I love you.” And the task of a woman is to believe him.

Victor Kagan offers a compromise: “Speak, of course… but not in the language of words. They console, soothe, support – in trouble, at a funeral, and the movement of a woman up the age ladder is neither one nor the other. Therefore, such consolations are perceived as “you, of course, are very old, but don’t be upset, I still love you.”

Ekaterina Mikhailova categorically objects.

“It seems to me that the easy, but in fact, condescending attitude towards the physical aging of a friend is explained by factors that may lie outside the relationship of a couple, a specific man and woman,” she reflects. – It’s about the philosophy of life, the perception of time, attitude to cultural norms, and for a thinking man, all this is, by definition, more important than “crow’s feet”, regrown gray hair roots or the legs of the one with whom he lived side by side for many years began to swell. These are her griefs, not his – therefore, it is better for her to discuss them with a beautician, and not with her husband.

In fairness, we note that women have reason to worry. It is not often at this age that they leave their husband for a younger man. The opposite examples, when a husband cools off towards his wife or leaves her for a young rival, are well known to everyone. But the reasons for such dramas still lie deeper than many women think.

“I don’t think that the vulnerability to wilting itself works here,” says Viktor Kagan. “More like the dull insipidity of a monotonous stereotypical or half-life relationship.”

An alliance with a man of a narcissistic type is also fragile, for whom not relationships are valuable, but a woman as a kind of status attribute, Andrei Korneev notes. “A wife should be prestigious. And a man invests a lot in her appearance as a sign of his outward prosperity. And he can not bear the “withering” wife. These men prefer to run away, to leave their aging companion. But, acquiring another spectacular symbol of their prosperity, a young beauty nearby, they lose the chance to experience, like Andre Gorz and his Dorina, a magnificent mature love.

^* A. Gorz “Letter to D. Story of a Love” (Gallimard, 2009).

^** F. Dolto “Female sexuality” (Gallimard, 1999).