Why men do not ask for help and how it turns out

In a difficult situation – in particular, during a divorce – men prefer to “remain men” and refuse to help. “This may be due to the fact that during times of stress, the male brain is not as active as the female one, slowing down the production of the pleasure hormone, oxytocin,” says psychologist Fallan Jacob. – It turns out that women are more inclined to deal with a stressful state, but for men, the brain signals that the situation, although difficult, is still tolerable. This “hormonal deception” is too costly for both the men themselves and their loved ones.”

Despite social changes in society, many members of the stronger sex are not ready to admit that they can be hurt, lonely and even scared – these qualities still do not fit with ideas about masculinity. Such attitudes do not leave the opportunity to openly express their feelings, and in case of divorce – to go through all the stages of mourning, which men need just as much as women.

Men are deprived of support. They rarely turn to a psychologist and are not ready to talk about what happened with their friends and relatives. And since it can be difficult to cope with experiences alone, they often begin to deny what is happening, convincing themselves and those around them that everything is in order with them. Devaluation of their experiences drives into a new trap, which over time only increases the state of depression.

What are the consequences for men who try to cope with everything alone?

Deteriorating health

The state of hidden stress undermines the body. Chronic diseases are aggravated and new ones appear. Increasing depression begins to affect work, relationships with friends and colleagues.

Losing faith in yourself

Since work and achievements directly affect the self-identification of men, the feeling of their own inefficiency “de-energizes” them. Self-confidence and the desire to move forward are lost.

Relationships with children suffer

“It’s hard to constantly walk around in the “everything is fine” mask, because children are sensitive to falsehood,” recalls Fallan Jacob. – A small child can still be occupied and distracted by games, but if the divorce fell on adolescence, the children will need a sincere conversation with their father. And often he is not able to build this dialogue, because he himself is in a weakened emotional state and needs help.

Sometimes growing depression is also an indirect reason that fathers refuse to meet with their children regularly after a divorce.

“Trying to heal depression in new relationships, men make their lives even more confusing.”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

After a divorce, for men who often deny the very idea of ​​outside support, it turns out to be important to assert themselves and feel better. And one of the fastest ways is to start a new relationship.

A little background: there are four hormones that act on the brain and are responsible for the feeling of happiness: oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphin. For a woman, oxytocin is the most natural way to enjoy and effectively reduce stress. To get it, hugs and a sense of community are often enough. Men, on the other hand, tend to seek pleasure in achievements for which dopamine is responsible. And a new girlfriend, and often not alone, contributes to this. However, sensations are dulled, and stress is not reduced.

At the same time, a woman is often deliberately chosen to be younger, and even one that meets accepted standards of beauty – this increases the production of serotonin, which is directly related to a sense of increased status and self-respect. Symbolically, the man is trying to show the environment how much he can afford.

However, the crowd of admiring observers thins out over time. Here he should be supported by endorphins, aggravated by unrestrained sex. But these emotions fade over time. Gradually, the celebration of life is replaced by burnout. New relationships do not help if a man is trying to cure depression with their help. It is necessary to survive, grieve and rethink the parting, to bring out of it a new experience and knowledge of oneself.

What can be done to help a person in this situation? Take me to a psychologist. A man is afraid to look weak, but without help he finds himself in a dead end. The need for support increases, and it becomes more and more difficult to open up and there is less and less strength to cope. The greatest confidence, of course, is caused by an authoritative man who himself went to a psychologist and it helped him.