Conventional explanations for infidelity serve as an excuse for the cheater and dubious consolation for the deceived party, according to coach Lucas McChord.
Women try to find a logical explanation for cheating because they cannot imagine: a loved one will deceive them for no apparent reason. And often they find many excuses for the offender, as if this can ease the pain. In fact, they continue to deceive themselves.
Recently, I was invited to a dinner where the women present were discussing our mutual friend leading a double life. It was obvious: everyone was looking for the reasons for what was happening. I decided to disassemble these myths, based on my own male experience and work with clients.
Myth #1: It’s in his genes
A survey by the American National Center for Public Opinion shows that 14,7% of married women and 20% of married men admit to infidelity. The difference is noticeable, but does not show a significant gap in our virtuousness scores. The ability to deceive is not a gender feature or a male prerogative. A more modest figure of betrayal by women is largely due to the fact that they behave more carefully and are less likely to get caught.
Myth #2: He doesn’t have enough sex with his wife.
I have seen situations many times when a man is satisfied with the sex life in the family and still could not miss the opportunity to have fun on the side. There can be many reasons: we repeat the behavior of our father, for whom this was the norm, we are trying to subconsciously punish our wife, whom we are not ready to openly express the accumulated grievances, went over with alcohol and are unable to resist the temptation.
For someone who is not too confident in himself, this becomes an additional confirmation of masculinity and attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex. And only a few decide on this because of sexual dissatisfaction. Proof of this can serve as women with high sexual drive, who are also victims of the infidelity of their partners.
Myth #3: He’s going through a midlife crisis.
There is some truth in this, betrayals often happen during this period when we re-evaluate a lot. Infidelity turns out to be an unconscious protest against a life that has ceased to suit us. But this is only one of the possible manifestations of the age crisis. Someone is going through it without cheating on a partner. A significant number of young men who have not formally reached the age of crisis are pushed to change by the same reasons: dissatisfaction with life, trouble in their own family and unwillingness to take responsibility for this and change anything.
Myth #4: His mistress is younger, sexier, prettier than his wife.
Ten out of nine men I spoke to admitted that they were only interested in sex. Unless it was about a broken romance and a developing relationship, the woman’s appearance didn’t matter.
If he is ready for a secret adventure and does not want exposure, the main factors are not youth or the special attractiveness of a woman, but undemanding courtship and a willingness to disappear from his life in time. Younger and more beautiful women have the opportunity to choose and in most cases will prefer a man who is not burdened by family obligations.
It doesn’t matter why a man is cheating on you. It is worth focusing not on him, but on your feelings and desires. The only thing that matters is what decision you make when you learn about the betrayal of a loved one.
Written by Lucas McChord, family and interpersonal relationship coach.