Contents
A couple’s sex life can come to naught for a variety of reasons. Our reader talks about situations when her friends refused intimate relationships. For what reasons our desires cease to coincide and why both partners are responsible for this, Natalia Artsybasheva, a Gestalt therapist, reflects.
18+
“Not so long ago, a group of friends and I went on a joint trip. And although it was only about one day, it was difficult for us to get together: most complained that they could not leave small children with their husband. For many, our short trip proved to be a rare opportunity to dedicate time to ourselves. When we frankly talked, it turned out that the friends are also united by the fact that they have almost lost their sexual desire in relation to their partners. The reasons for this are obvious.
Husbands stopped listening and taking an interest in their lives
Women complain that the life of their family has begun to resemble a wound up mechanism, where they are mainly expected to perform household chores. Many admit that their partners have stopped even saying “thank you” for dinner, taking it for granted, not to mention being interested in the feelings and experiences of a loved one. “In the evenings, we only discuss the plan of affairs for tomorrow: who will pick up the children from kindergarten and school, take them to the sections and buy food,” they admit.
They married eternal boys who didn’t become men
Many husbands prefer to spend their free time for their own pleasure: with friends, at a football stadium, traveling to auto shows or fishing. As a result, women are alone with children. Even if the husbands are formally at home, they usually sit in front of the TV or at the computer.
All tactile contacts come down only to sex
These couples never walk hand in hand or hug each other. Husbands do not kiss their wives just like that, not as a foreplay. They receive physical attention only in those moments when their partner is in the mood for sexual relations.
“Men are offended that women refuse them intimacy, believing that this is a way of manipulation. Instead, they should think about the fact that intimacy is needed not only in bed, ”the friends say. Indeed, it is important for a woman to feel loved and desired, to feel the support and attention of her man, not only in those moments when he wants sex.
“If tenderness and trust are lost in a relationship, tactile contact with a partner can become unpleasant”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
In all these stories, it is easy to catch notes of accusation against men. I do not want to place the blame on either women or men, but I propose to think in terms of responsibility. Take at least a list of claims. How did you come to the fact that all the housework is now on you? It is clear that a man does not want to do it, but why do you do everything yourself from the very beginning, do not know how to ask for help and insist on your own? Is your husband not interested in your feelings and experiences? Are you interested in them yourself? Do you listen to yourself, do you love yourself?
The main thing here is this: either we work together on relationships, or we quarrel, blame each other, compete and shift responsibility, that is, we destroy what we started to build. A woman’s refusal to have sex is often a silent cry for help, about accumulated grievances and misunderstandings. But from the point of view of mutual responsibility, this is an infantile refusal to take care of yourself, to develop relationships.
By not letting your partner understand you, you are digging a hole in your sexual harmony.
The partner cannot read minds and cannot keep track of the changes that are happening to you. By keeping silent about your needs, you simply do not give him a chance to do something for you. If you do not take on this responsibility of taking care of yourself, you become very anxious. And what is the most common destructive way to relieve anxiety? Try to control everything. Automatically push a man from the position of an equal partner to the position of a child in the family.
It would seem, what does sex have to do with it? It’s simple: sexual relations can be between a man and a woman, but between mother and son they are taboo. And they disappear quite often, signaling a similar imbalance.
In addition, female sexuality is designed in such a way that if tenderness and trust are lost in a relationship, tactile contact with a partner can become unpleasant. And this is not about punishing a partner, but about the work of an ancient evolutionary mechanism. By not letting your partner understand you, you are digging a hole in your sexual harmony. Therefore, it is important to negotiate, communicate, offer and ask for help, and resolve conflicts. It is ideal to start a tradition of not going to bed until the accumulated grievances have been spoken out and reconciled.