Contents
Why Low Self-Esteem Can Destroy Your Relationship
Psychology
It is essential to work on self-love to prevent the lack of this devastation with the rest of things in our life
Self-love and love for others are intrinsically related, then, “how am I going to be able to love someone, if I don’t love myself?” The self esteem workCultivating self-esteem, understanding how we are (and accepting it) is the first step, the basis, to be able to love another in a healthy way.
Self-esteem, says Aída Rubio, psychologist and coordinator of the TherapyChat team of psychologists, is a very abstract concept and complex, since “it is given by the sum of many factors and is built over the years since we are born.” When she talks about these “factors”, the professional refers to the first relationships we establish, the different experiences of life and how we interpret them, and our personality characteristics.
To understand how self-esteem shapes the way in which personal relationships that are maintained develop, the psychologist points out the importance of the connection between self-esteem and attachment. “Attachment speaks of how we relate to others and this is very determined by our first relationships, which will normally be with our parents,” Aída Rubio begins to explain. From this point arises how we understand relationships, love … and that includes love towards oneself. “Through these first relationships we observe and feel to what extent and how we are loved, and this is how we will love ourselves. This is moldable throughout life based on experiences, “he says.
How does it affect relationships?
One of the relationships that are most affected by the ‘state’ in which a person’s self-esteem is found are romantic ones. This happens because, when we do not feel confident about ourselves, it is much more difficult for us to trust others. «If I love myself I will be in a more favorable position to set limits, also to want without mistrust or to feel safe in a relationship, “argues the psychologist. Another factor to take into account is the danger of falling into a dependency relationship, because by not having security in ourselves, we are based on the trust of the other.
If we recognize that we have this type of relationship with another person, in this case motivated by lack of self-esteem, it is important to take action on the matter, of course it is not easy, because we are talking about behaviors that we have learned from our experiences, and require effort to change. “We can start with small steps. First, making the firm decision to leave the role of dependency that we have towards ‘x’ people, and once this is done, communicating it to them ”, explains Aída Rubio.
Words have to become acts
Once this first step is taken, psychology warns that if it is only in words, it will have no effect. «Proclaim independence it is pleasant in the long run. But in the short term, it deprives you of certain protections that you obtained from depending on others, “he says, pointing out that it can be difficult to have to make decisions, it is likely to feel” naked “before others or, for example, to assume that we are not always going to like us. all the world.
Back to the change in the dynamics of the relationship, once one realizes that dependence, the professional indicates that the changes are not only based on learning to say “no”, but also to be able to express what you want, as well as reserving your own private space. “You don’t have to share everything. In fact, it is good to spend time away from the people we love, not carry their happiness on our backs, keep certain things a secret to oneself and spend time with other people who enrich us with different perspectives on life. All this airs up relationships and makes them healthier, ”says the professional.
Small actions to improve our self-esteem
Work self-esteem It can be complicated, because if we have little, it is most likely that this lies in behaviors that we have learned and that, although it is possible to change, require a lot of work. But as in everything in life, no matter how complicated it is to build a healthy self-esteem, you have to start laying small stones until you reach your goal.
Aída Rubio, psychologist and coordinator of the TherapyChat team of psychologists, leaves some keys to start with small steps to improve our confidence in ourselves.
– Reflect on your strengths and positive characteristics: Make a list of the ones that come to mind and do not leave aside what others have highlighted about you. It can help you to remember what your achievements in life have been and how you came to achieve them.
– Use the dynamics of the mirror: Take a moment each day to face each other in the mirror and, leaving all judgments on yourself, smile and say pleasant words to yourself. Take advantage of the previous list to help you.
– Drop the blame: It is another self-esteem trap not to change, since it takes us back to the past when the focus should be on living in the present and working on the future.
– Treat yourself as you want to be treated: We unconsciously dictate to others how they should treat us, and if you treat yourself badly, or put yourself in a submissive position, you will be sending signals to others that they can do the same.
-Take care of the language with which you speak: Even the most wrong ideas, if repeated 100 times, can sound credible. Instead of repeating to yourself that you are worthless, or that you are this or that, break up that distorted speech and replace it with kind language about yourself that highlights how positive you have.