Why «like in the movies» relationships don’t work?

The heroes of the films exist in their own world, where there is no behavior we are used to. For example, they never laugh at each other’s jokes (to let the viewer laugh). Do not panic, even if their city is captured by space aliens (otherwise, what kind of heroes are they?). They flaunt their perfect hairstyle, even if they were lying on the floor for two hours. But for some reason, we believe them when it comes to relationships. If this belief guides our actions, we risk getting a chimera instead of true love.

Relationships don’t have a happy ending

Most of the films in the finale offer the viewer the denouement of all the plot twists and turns. We are led to a touching moment when two lovers confess their love to each other or reunite after a dramatic breakup. This technique creates the illusion that the most important thing is to find your love. Then everything will work out by itself. All conflicts obey the laws of drama. If one of the partners is hiding something from the other, we already implicitly guess that the secret will be revealed and this will be a test for two, but everything will end well.

The audience needs the script, not the characters.

Nothing happens by accident in films. If fate brings the characters together many years after separation, the viewer expects their feelings to flare up with renewed vigor. In reality, a sudden meeting with an old love in itself may not have any meaning. But if you are used to seeing in everything a sign and a plan drawn from above, you will probably think that this is no accident. Old feelings make themselves felt, and you are already tormented by doubts: maybe the breakup was a mistake.

Perhaps at this moment you recall a scene from your favorite movie. For example, in the film Fall in Love with Me If You Dare (dir. Jan Samuel, 2003), the characters played a tough game with each other, not daring to confess their feelings to each other. Only after meeting many years later did they realize that their relationship — neurotic and exhausting — was still better than a boring family routine. The temptation to sacrifice attachments for adventure can lead to frustration, because reality isn’t always as dramatic as the picture on the screen.

In life, «passing» scenes are important

People brought up on romantic tapes are sure that life is a constant demonstration of feelings. And the brighter, the truer. Something always happens on the screen: the characters confess their love, get jealous, frantically swear allegiance and curse the other for betrayal. We almost never see them on a daily basis. Imagine James Bond arguing with a utility company over mischaracterized payments.

The sharpness of feelings dulls over time — but at the same time, we open a partner from a new side. We learn to see happiness in cooking breakfast together, planning renovations in the nursery together, looking at family photos. If we look at our lives as a series of bright scenes between which actors remove makeup and rehearse for a role, we risk missing real happiness.

Trap called «I can change him (her)»

One of the most common plots: a girl falls in love with a “bad guy”, who over time, under her influence, becomes a new, better person. After the transformation, they live together happily ever after. Relationships in which one of the partners plays the role of such a “demiurge” are very rarely successful. Attempts to change a partner usually lead to the opposite effect: either the relationship collapses or becomes nervous due to the fact that the «mentee» resists attempts to influence him.

Personal growth requires intense inner work. Films convince that it is enough to meet “that” person, and everything will happen by itself. In the comedy «Heartbreakers» (dir. David Mirkin, 2001), the main character falls in love with a man, but cannot get out of her role as a predator who manipulates men for profit. In the end, she breaks with the past thanks to the support of her beloved. But is there a guarantee that in the future she will not return to old habits?

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Magic camera effect

Movie characters stand out from ordinary people. They can be chatty or reserved, witty or serious, but the director’s magic always makes them attractive. The most realistic characters contain exactly the amount of inconsistency that is needed for us to believe in their reality. Some angularity often only adds charm to the character.

In life, we often fall in love with people who remind us of the heroes of our favorite films. And we worry if it turns out that the features that seemed pretty on the screen turn into a nightmare. The decisiveness of Gosha from the film “Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears” (dir. Vladimir Menshov, 1980) turns into tyranny and nit-picking for any reason, and the frivolity of Kostya from “Pokrovsky Gates” (dir. Mikhail Kozakov, 1982) turns into endless betrayals.

All this does not mean that relationships in films are generally divorced from reality and that they should be perceived only as a beautiful fairy tale. They help us see problems from the outside, think about important things, put ourselves in the shoes of heroes. It is only important to separate staged reality from the present. And do not transfer stamps from the cinema into your life.