When you read posts in communities dedicated to raising children, it seems that the main goal of parents is not to let the child get upset. It seems to us that a negative experience will break the fate of the child. But is it? And what are we depriving children of when we don’t let them feel disappointed? We talked about this with a psychologist, somatic therapist Rufina Kashapova.
Every parent knows how unbearable it is to hear a child cry. The desire to “stop this as soon as possible” is quite understandable and natural: human cubs are defenseless, they cannot survive without the help of an adult, our entire evolutionary experience speaks of this.
matter of age
“While the child is small, any experience is total for him. Joy, sadness, pain — he feels them with his whole being. He does not know what it is to endure, to wait. There is no experience in the memory of the child that would tell him that what is happening will end sooner or later,” explains Rufina Kashapova. — This is how nature works: the parent must run and save the child, but the child must not endure. But sooner or later the child comes out of infancy. He accumulates experience, learns to wait, to cope with discomfort. And this skill can be very useful to him in the future.
Why learn patience?
The ability to cope with disappointment has nothing to do with the habit of constantly enduring inconvenience. When we deliberately ignore our own needs and desires, it reduces the quality of our lives. But if in a difficult situation we can get together and endure without damage to the psyche — such an experience makes us more adapted, gives us flexibility, preserves our strength.
“We planned to work or rest this spring, but instead we sat at home, and it’s still not clear what we will do in the summer,” recalls Rufina Kashapova. “But we cope with disappointment because we understand the meaning of what is happening. We recognize that life has changed, it is not what we planned, and we begin to organize it anew.
We react with action: we put the house in order, we invent activities for ourselves. And those who do not understand fall into hysterics or stupor, looking for someone to blame. And this is typical just for those who have not learned to experience disappointment.
An adult who is able to accept what cannot be changed accepts problems, finds solutions faster and more accurately than someone who does not have such skills. Such adults have behind them the experience of childhood disappointments and overcoming them.
“Getting into a difficult life situation, we begin to rebuild and act on the go. The child does the same if we don’t give him ready-made solutions, the expert says. “If we don’t give them a chance to figure things out for themselves, kids don’t learn healthy behavior when they’re confused. They will wait for someone to come and tell them what to do.”
Of course, we are not talking about neglecting or deliberately ignoring the needs of the child.
“It happens that a child experiences disappointment, and adults say: “What are you upset about? Everything is fine, nothing serious at all.» The child translates into his child: “what I feel is not important,” and ceases to rely on his perception, ”recalls Rufina Kashapova.
Growth point
Age crises are a time when a child seems to be disappointed all the time: in us, in the world around. Such is the bright crisis of three years, when the kids are upset for any reason: “I don’t want to, I won’t! Give!» The child’s world is changing, his abilities, skills and bodily skills are changing. And these changes make him very worried. Parents have a hard time too!
There are two simple rules that will help you get through this and similar frustrating periods. First, dads and moms should take care of themselves: remember that everything will pass, give yourself rest, not strive for an unattainable ideal. Secondly, no matter what, even if it is very difficult, you need to stay in contact with the children.
“We can say to a child: “Yes, dear, the world is a difficult thing. You want a lot, but not everything works out. Depending on how the child goes through these experiences, he will acquire certain skills in order to navigate life. Give small people the opportunity to be upset, angry, quarrel, feel annoyed. At the other pole of feelings, they are waiting for satisfaction, inspiration, joy, pleasure, ”says the psychologist.
What should an adult do in such a difficult moment? It is not worth distracting the child from experiences: by doing this, we take care of our own comfort. It hurts us to deal with the strong feelings of a child. But they are part of life, and learning to hear and distinguish them is a skill that will come in handy later.
“Adults may ask the child: “What do you feel now?” — explains Rufina Kashapova. — If he can’t speak yet, you can ask a more specific question: “Are you confused?” He does not know this word yet, but by your tone he will understand what you mean, he will nod. As soon as we internally determine what is happening to us, the way out is found. Man is so arranged. Parents can help the child with these searches. The main thing is not to do all the “work” for him.
Am I a Good Enough Parent?
What motivates parents to protect their child from confusion and sadness? Why are some of us in a hurry to satisfy all the desires of the child, even those that will not benefit him? Perhaps we are talking about the fear of not being good enough parents.
“Parents are afraid of not meeting their own expectations,” explains Rufina Kashapova. — If a child is disappointed in mom or dad, this drop falls into the cup of their disappointment with themselves. But at this moment we endow the child with colossal power: now he controls our satisfaction! In doing so, we grow him into a manipulator.»
Almost all moms and dads sometimes make “unpopular” decisions among children. They are not allowed to watch cartoons for three hours in a row or they are forbidden to walk on the weekend if the child brought several twos from school during the week. Sometimes we reverse our own decisions. But will it benefit the children?
“The child has the right to quarrel. And we have the right to say “no” to him, even if he makes a row,” says Rufina Kashapova, “Our firmness is necessary for the child himself: after all, you can only rely on something strong. If a parent said “no” now, and a minute later said “yes”, you can’t rely on him. An inconsistent dad or mom is unreliable. This means that the child can only rely on himself … And I suppose that this leads to great disappointment.
Will parents who adhere to such a policy lose the love of a child? After all, this is what we all fear …
“If the parent is consistent, the children are not disappointed in him,” the expert explains. “They get upset because of a specific situation: “I wanted to, but I didn’t succeed.” At the same time, the parent figure remains strong and reliable. With such a parent, the child will be able to survive any disorder, any crisis, and become an adult who, by all means, will find a way out even in the most difficult situation.