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It’s easy to give advice to a person who is being mistreated by a partner: «Yes, just leave him!» After all, how can you continue a relationship with someone who constantly hurts you? Unfortunately, making this decision is much more difficult than it seems at first glance.
First, any attempt to leave is associated with a certain risk. “When the victim tries to end the relationship and leave, partner abuse usually escalates dramatically,” explains clinical psychologist David Wexler. “For the victim, this is the most dangerous period.”
Instead of judging a friend or relative, you should consider that they are probably carefully weighing everything and trying to find the safest course of action.
They are afraid that the former partner will begin to take revenge
Breaking up a relationship automatically puts the victim in a vulnerable position. “What if they track me down? Will they beat you? Discredit? Ruin my reputation? Such thoughts usually come to the victim of abuse when she thinks about leaving.
It is possible that a person consciously decides not to change anything, because he is afraid that it will only get worse. This happens especially often if the victim does not have a ready-made escape plan — a roof over his head, the resources needed for the first time.
They are hindered by financial and family circumstances
Family members in need, pets to take care of, financial dependency — these factors make it hard for many people to even consider leaving their partner despite being abused.
“When we are financially dependent on a partner, we have no idea what we will live on after parting,” adds the psychologist. Often the situation is complicated by the presence of children for whom the departure of one of the parents will result in new difficulties and experiences. Sharing responsibility for children brings them together, and breaking that bond can be very scary.
They are ashamed
Wexler admits that he has never met a victim of abuse who was not ashamed of her position. A person may be afraid of accusations from outsiders. It can be frightening to think that others will start to judge: “Why did you choose him? Why didn’t you leave him? How did you provoke him?
They still love a partner
Everyone who has ever been in a difficult relationship knows that love is illogical, and if someone hurts us, this does not mean that we will hate him for it. “A person wants his partner to stop abusing him, but at the same time continues to love him,” explains the psychologist.
If we are talking not only about the psychological, but also about the physical impact, it is most often impossible to save the relationship. But if the aggressor is ready to take responsibility for their behavior, make every effort to change, and at the same time understand the effect of his harshness on a loved one, the chances of saving the relationship remain.
About the Expert: David Wexler is a clinical psychologist and author of When Good Guys Misbehave.