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Loneliness is quite an agonizing feeling for many adults, and teenage loneliness is doubly hard. Why is this happening, what could be the consequences and how to correct the situation? The psychologist says.
The point is not only that emotions in puberty overwhelm especially strongly, but also that through reflection in the eyes of peers, a teenager’s self-esteem is largely formed. Refusal to work together hurts a lot, and disagreement is perceived as rejection.
Prolonged isolation and difficulties in building social ties encourage a teenager to look for a way out of this situation. Sometimes alcohol, gambling or drugs become such a “way out” for a child. All these are different types of addiction, which inevitably lead to even greater problems.
A person’s success in any area of life depends on the ability to build relationships and communicate.
Isolation makes it impossible to learn how to resolve conflicts, assert oneself, adapt to new teams, present oneself, be interesting and useful.
In adolescence, parents fade into the background. The focus is on peers. How communication will take place will lay the foundation for the ability to build a dialogue with people in the future. It is important for teenagers to tell their peers about their inner world, to get their approval and acceptance. This is how the mechanism of self-knowledge works.
«Fix our child!»
In 90% of cases, the problem of teenage loneliness is related to family relationships.
Here are just some of the reasons that can affect a child’s self-esteem and create problems in his communication with peers:
conflicts between parents, domestic violence;
lack of trusting relationship with mom and dad;
excessive criticism of adults;
hyperopeka.
When contacting a psychologist, some parents want a specialist to solve the problem of children without involving them in therapy. They do not realize their responsibility in creating difficulties for the youngest member of the family. Their tasks are forwarded to a psychologist.
Once a mother came to see me with a 15-year-old daughter: “My daughter has no friends. Classmates communicate with each other outside of school, and she sits at home all day. We watch movies with her, read, I help her do her homework. But it worries me a lot that her eyes are constantly wet.
The girl herself said that her best friend is her mother. But this does not solve the problem of a gaping feeling of emptiness inside. The thought does not go out of my head that no one needs it, it is not interesting. Another birthday has come, and there is no one to celebrate it with. And she had such a feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. Mom tells her daughter that you just need to go and make friends, but she doesn’t explain how to find a person who is close in spirit.
The first relationship, the first connection with people in a baby really happens with the parents. An attachment develops that has an impact for the rest of your life.
Adolescence is a period when the importance of the team and relationships with peers increases dramatically.
There is a desire for independence and independence, self-esteem is formed. The authority of an adult fades into the background. The more active and eventful life is, the more a teenager sees meaning in it. There are plans for the future. But if the mother is overprotective of the child, emotional suffocation occurs.
I tried to convey to my mother that her influence on her daughter is stronger than she thinks. Our dialogue looked something like this:
— I see how you love your daughter, you do a lot with her or for her. It helped at a young age. And now your excessive concern tells your daughter that she can’t cope without you, she can’t find friends on her own, she is helpless. You should step aside, not solve her problems for your daughter. To help is not to do for her.
“I think you are exaggerating. It’s not about me. You can’t kick her out of the house. If I don’t put a plate under her nose, she will be hungry. I won’t check the lessons, I’ll definitely forget something and bring a bad grade. I brought her to you, you will convince her that she is responsible for everything, and not her mother. I have no problems.
We’ve reached a dead end. Mom didn’t want to question the parenting model. Christina suffered because of her overprotectiveness, depended on her friendship with her mother. A mother’s love took the place of everything. She did not teach to find friends and common interests. From here, the girl had a feeling of a complete vacuum: there is a mother, and there is nothing else. There was a feeling that the mother solved her problems through a symbiotic merger with her daughter.
But even in such a difficult situation, it is possible to solve the problem.
What can a teenager do?
The first step of self-help is awareness of the causes of loneliness.
In Christina’s case, the initial event that led to communication problems was a custodial mother and a strong symbiotic bond with her.
We have identified three areas in therapy:
Correction of self-perception and self-esteem
The stability of loneliness is explained by the fact that Christina did not understand how to communicate with her peers and what reactions to expect from them. To understand who can be a friend, you need to think about what own qualities can attract the right people. Then think: what repels them from communication?
Formation of new behavioral skills
Up to this point, the girl had never started a conversation first. I didn’t ask my peers about anything, I didn’t ask them for help. She was «friends» only with her mother. Any change in behavior is bound to have an impact on your ability to make friends.
Search for like-minded people
Next, my young client began to work on getting out of her mother’s care, finally cutting the emotional umbilical cord. She found places where peers with similar interests “hang out”: she signed up for yoga classes, went to an art studio, became a volunteer at a zoo. She clearly defined her interests and began to consciously look for people who share them.
Irvin Yalom states: “Loneliness exists only in solitude. Divided loneliness dies»
Joint activities can transform loneliness into a positive experience.
A very important step is to understand that change starts with yourself. Accept that the reason for loneliness lies in the inability to communicate, get acquainted, in personality traits. You can work with all of this. Attend a psychologist, therapeutic groups. You can start a blog. There to develop communication skills. As the saying goes: water does not flow under a lying stone. The main thing is to act.