Hidden, bitter, deadly … Resentment covers us from the head and gnaws from the inside. She says we have a meaningful relationship, but it’s under threat! What other signals does resentment send us? And how to interpret them?
This feeling is familiar to each of us since childhood. And no matter how hard we try to get rid of him, considering him immature, most often this does not work. And it is not necessary! – says psychodramatherapist Elena Lopukhina. Because resentment has its own functions, our job is to grasp its meaning and begin the necessary work within ourselves and in communication with others.
Is it true that resentment is a childish feeling?
Elena Lopukhina: Yes and no. Resentment is a difficult experience that everyone has at any age. Children are offended, pout their lips, turn away, leave. So they try to get what they want. But this is also a signal for an adult: my needs are not met, help me!
Most adults express resentment differently, but that doesn’t mean they don’t get offended. And at any age, resentment is not one feeling, but a combination of several, and multidirectional emotions. Among them, there are necessarily two main ones: pain and anger. They can be mixed with fear, guilt, shame. Therefore, it is so difficult to understand the state of resentment and experience it so painfully.
And they often say: do not be offended …
It is useless – we can stop being aware of our feelings, push them into the unconscious, but we cannot not feel. When I hear from someone “I never get offended”, I either do not believe or think that he has a big problem. If that were true, it would mean: I am not in a relationship with anyone. Because resentment arises only in significant and especially in close relationships. We are not offended by outsiders, but angry, indignant.
Attempt destructive?
There is some truth in this. But not the whole truth. And this is dangerous: to substitute a part for the whole. Yes, there is something destructive in resentment – but only if we do not work with her, do not accept her messages.
It performs a signaling function, as, indeed, any emotion. Resentment is a signal of problems in a relationship
Large or small – which ones specifically, you need to understand and only then do something. It’s not hurt that hurts, it’s how we handle it. If you deal with resentment constructively, it can be helpful.
What is the use of resentment?
In addition to signaling, resentment has two more functions. The second is regulatory. We received a signal: something is broken. And we can try to fix this broken one, to settle relations. If this fails, then strong resentment, incompatible with the continuation of the relationship, will perform a third function: it will help to end it. Resentment is reality. Anyone can remember a lot of their grievances, and just on those to whom he treats well.
However, resentment is unpleasant.
Let’s distinguish: resentment is an experience, and resentment is a character trait. Of course, it happens that the occasion is worth three kopecks, and the reaction is worth a hundred rubles: this is a feature of perception, feelings and behavior. There are relatively few such people. But for some reason it has become customary to condemn: “only fools are offended”, “they carry water on the offended.” As a result, a person tries to hide resentment, to suppress it, instead of working with it. But if you keep resentments in yourself, accumulate, they will really destroy relationships over time.
They write: “resentment is harmful to health.” This is true for grievances that are swallowed up and hidden from oneself, and for grievances that are experienced but hidden from others. Any emotion includes bodily reactions. Ignoring emotions, we open the way to psychosomatics. We cannot and should not get rid of feelings: they help us to be in touch with reality. This reality does not always suit us, and feelings are not always pleasant, but it is better to take a bitter medicine than not to be treated at all. Resentment is such a medicine. But not poison if used correctly.
There is no instructions for this medicine …
… and it would be nice to fill this gap! It is useful for us to understand what is happening to us. After all, we know that when you have a high temperature, you need to take aspirin. We must understand the same about our feelings.
To begin with, this would help to remove the inspired feeling of guilt: you can’t be offended, but I was offended, which means I’m to blame
Instead, we need to figure out why we were offended, this is a reaction – to what? Another person close to whom I am in a relationship has done something that I believe should not be done, or did not do something that should have been done. All this depends on the contract in the relationship.
Is there a contract in a relationship?
Certainly there is! Unwritten, but no less real for that. There are always agreements, rules. This is the result of mutual grinding, and expectations are based on this experience. Example: a friend always congratulated me on my birthday and suddenly did not congratulate me, without explaining anything. Or: the husband usually washes the dishes, but today he didn’t wash and didn’t say “tired” or “headache”, but simply left the kitchen. I feel a prick: what happened?
Here, in addition to the general expectations from close relationships, such as mutual support, the priority of our interests as a couple over the interests of outsiders, there is something that has developed in the relationship. In some couples, it is customary to say hello in the morning, in others not. But where it is customary, if someone did not say hello, it’s a shame: one person changes our dance, which we danced together.
In addition to general expectations and private rules, there is a distribution of roles: who belongs to whom. I have an image of another, and I want to keep it, and if for the time being everything was fine, I will have expectations that everything will go on the same way.
But expectations are not always realistic…
Yes, this is always my perception of the contract, roles. But do I take wishful thinking – this is the question! And starting to clarify it, I may find that, it turns out, it was I who said hello in the morning, but no one answered me, and now I finally noticed it.
But in most cases, they are offended by a real violation of the contract. We do not always understand each other well, and the contract in a live relationship requires constant revision if we want to save this relationship. We always have expectations, and from expectations come hopes. Another option is when we unconsciously entered into our understanding of the contract the hope of getting something that we did not have before.
Can you give an example of such hope?
Please: the wife thinks that when the child is born, the husband will help. In her view, he should spend more time at home, take more care. These are not such unrealistic expectations, it happens, but everything is as it was, and it remains, because in the picture of the world of her husband, the child does not change anything.
And the wife is offended: her hopes were not justified. If they discuss the situation with their spouse, there is a chance to find a solution. If the husband says, “No, I can’t spend more time at home,” then it’s worth agreeing on something else that will restore balance. But you definitely need something that confirms: for him, their relationship is really valuable.
What do we do with resentment?
We felt a blow or a prick after some event.
firstwhat you need to say to yourself: “I’m offended” instead of “I’m not offended.” That is to acknowledge your feelings.
The second step – ask what these feelings signal. About the state of relationships that are significant to me, about my weak points – all this can be considered as tasks for further growth.
The third – find a solution. What act of the other caused resentment? What exactly hit me? Are my expectations consistent with the unspoken rules of a relationship, or is it my dream of what it could be like? Resentment may not mean that the other has become worse towards me, but that I made a mistake in assessing the relationship.
Fourth – accepting responsibility. The other person is responsible for his behavior, and I am responsible for my analysis of the situation and for my readiness to go for reconciliation. If there is not enough information for me, then my task is to talk with another in order to get this information.
Fifth step – talk to the other, find out how he sees the situation. Is it a misunderstanding, or are we facing a divergence in our values and ideas about intimacy?
Sixth step – amending the contract, restoring relations at a different level. Here, a new rapprochement is possible if the offender confirms the significance of the relationship. The one who admitted that he had offended does not have to ask for forgiveness – he needs a willingness to accept the experiences of another and a desire to change a situation that is not suitable for him. If there is no readiness, an increase in distance is inevitable.
But suddenly he will say: “This is nonsense”?
Maybe. “You’re making this up”, “don’t make an elephant out of a fly” or “I don’t want to talk about it”. This “secondary” resentment, when feedback is rejected, ignored, or attacked in response: “you are to blame,” can be much stronger than the first. We read it as “you don’t matter to me” and feel alone and defenseless. And then I have to draw a conclusion from this.
To restore balance in a relationship, it may be worth increasing your distance with this person and even reflecting on the viability of this relationship. If you act as if nothing happened, or fight, the relationship is gradually but inevitably destroyed.
And there are mutual insults?
There are. But each perceives his own as if the second one had torn one of the threads that bind us. Then there is a feeling that something valuable has been taken from me, I am experiencing pain and I want to return this value. But very soon there is anger at the other: he has violated the contract, this is not right.
Our anger is subjectively perceived as fair, it encourages us to do something to restore justice.
The pain of resentment confirms that there is “we”. And anger and protest encourage the destruction of this “we”. Like centrifugal and centripetal forces – and they tear us apart.
Which one will win?
When only anger remains, there is no more resentment. This is a parting function. And pain prompts us to reconcile, restore relationships, perhaps on a new level. But relationships after resentment inevitably become different. If I feel that our emotional connection is broken, then in order to stop suffering, I need to take a step away from the other, then we will be on an equal footing.
Then I try to talk in order to restore the integrity of our “we” that has been broken. The more I invested in our relationship, in “we”, the more I depend on them, the more I suffer. If I have nothing but this relationship, then I will experience resentment as a crash.
How to survive such a crash and recover from it?
There are two ways here: either through the restoration of relations, when the “we” that has become part of my “I” is restored, or due to their physical and internal termination, then I will restore the integrity of my “I” already separately – and this is difficult, but problem to be solved.