Why is my child not interested in anything?

“My daughter does not want anything, she is not interested in anything,” complains the mother of 14-year-old Ekaterina. “Does not read, does not walk, sometimes plays computer games or listens to music on headphones.” The mother of 11-year-old Yegor echoes her: “Having hardly returned from school, he sits down at the computer, plays until night and communicates with someone there, he doesn’t even go out for a walk. If I reproach him, he objects: “I’m doing my homework.” I don’t know what to do, but it worries me.”

Such concern and anxiety is familiar to many parents. Their children, especially preteens and teenagers, don’t want to do anything. They sit in their room, watch TV, play computer games, do not want to talk, reducing all communication exclusively to messages on social networks. What can be done here? How to convince a clearly unmotivated child to do anything? How to resist the passivity supported by modern technology?

Putting pressure on a child, shaming him and reprimanding him is obviously useless. But this does not mean that parents are completely helpless. Let’s try to look at the situation not as educators, but as researchers.

“Imagine that motivation is not an internal quality, not the engine inside the child that shapes behavior, but rather the result of the interaction of the environment, the child’s temperament (a biological characteristic inherent in him from birth) and his personality. For example, some people constantly need novelty, some do not, some are much more sociable, and some are introverted,” suggests Alan Kazdin, PhD, director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Care Clinic. He also makes two important points:

1. Lack of activity and peculiarities of attitude to life do not remain unchanged and unshakable;
2. The situation at home and the actions of other people can greatly influence a child’s motivation.

What exactly is the problem?

Unwillingness to do something, lack of motivation can have many reasons, among which there may be both external and internal. So before drawing conclusions, let’s try to figure out what exactly we consider the lack of motivation. Alan Kazdin lists several factors to consider.

1. Free time

Having free time is not just normal, it is absolutely necessary. For many children, life is too scheduled, too busy with different things, and often they cannot afford such a luxury as just doing nothing, dreaming for at least an hour. However, the child needs free time.

Resist the urge to plan every minute of his life, do not be afraid of periods of what may seem to you as an unconstructive, unproductive pastime. Let it be a child. And it is better to specially allocate time for this in his schedule.

It’s great if both of you have the opportunity to spend some time together without specific cases and deadlines. You can discuss something interesting, just chat about trifles, play cards, admire the clouds – do whatever you want at this moment.

2. Household chores

In preteens and adolescence, children often lose interest in household chores. The child during this period is focused on communication with peers. They listen to the same music, wear similar clothes, joke about the same topics. They tend to have contempt for all adults.

In this case, the lack of motivation to do household chores is absolutely natural. If by this time you have managed to develop a certain order and traditions in the house, for example, have lunch and dinner together, do some household chores, get out somewhere, then it is much easier to continue doing this even when a small child turns into a teenager. This helps the child to participate in family life.

3. Signs of depression

One situation that should cause you concern is when a child who has always been active, sociable and interested suddenly becomes lethargic, sits at home, does almost nothing and does not express interest in any activity. Such changes in behavior may be a sign of depression. This is not the only reason, but one of the possible ones. Therefore, it is important to pay attention to what the child says about himself.

If his comments express a negative assessment of himself (“I can’t do anything right”) or the world around him (“there is nothing else interesting around”) or hopelessness about the future (“it will all end as badly as ever”) is a serious cause for concern.

He may become more irritable and sensitive than usual, his habits may change in how he eats, how he sleeps. It is important to take even seemingly jocular comments between the case like “I wish I were dead” seriously if they are repeated. If you have any doubts, be sure to consult a professional psychologist.

4. Absent-mindedness

It is also possible that the child cannot concentrate, and this is what seems to you to be a lack of motivation. In this case, the cause is not necessarily a lack of interest or a depressed mood. Probably, the whole point is in difficulties with voluntary attention: the child is simply physically unable to perform the same task for more than a few minutes, he immediately switches to another, then another. This can happen at home, at school, or anywhere else.

Everyone has trouble focusing from time to time, so it’s important to find out how often this happens. Very often, these children are rushed to be diagnosed with “Attention Deficit Disorder”, but this is not the only reason for this behavior. If a child is experiencing difficulties of this kind, then it is better to consult with a qualified specialist.

5. Stress

Lack of motivation can also be a response to stress. Adults often do not even consider this possibility. For some reason, it seems to them that children cannot have stress. But after all, a child has a much narrower circle of communication, activities, and therefore children perceive problems in some area of ​​their life much more seriously.

A child’s response to stress can look like depression, and it often appears in response to certain events. For example, if some kind of relationship with peers breaks, this can be very traumatic for a child, even if this does not involve divorce or litigation. This also includes the ridicule of peers (for being overweight, for lagging behind in any subject). What seems to us a trifling event can turn into a serious problem in a child’s life.

6. Lack of motivation in general or in a specific area?

Lack of motivation and seeming laziness may relate to some particular aspect of a child’s life. For example, children who are teased or bullied at school may spend a lot of time getting together in the morning and show a lack of interest in learning. They seem to be dragging their feet, they just can’t get themselves together. Often this is very annoying for parents, but here it is necessary to think about whether the child has no motivation at all, or is it connected precisely with the school, because something unpleasant for him is happening there?

Or it often happens that children who have learning difficulties behave as if they are not trying at all. In fact, they may no longer try, because it already seems useless to them. If the lack of motivation relates specifically to school, you need to find out if the child has problems with learning, to understand what exactly is happening to him.

What can be done?

Even if endless demands for the child to stop sitting still and do something did not bring any result, this does not mean that you cannot change anything.

For starters, you can limit the amount of time your child spends on the computer or phone. You must do this without aggression, but very firmly, because passivity, actively supported by modern technology, can negate all attempts to kindle interest in at least something.

Of course, if a child spends a lot of time with fellow geniuses, assembling computers from spare parts and speaking in their own invented language, then this is a completely different matter. This is already an interest, not a distraction from interests.