As long as we wait for a partner to solve our problems, fulfill our desires, fill the inner void and generally give meaning to our whole life, true love will remain for us … inaccessible.
He (she) is it? Why is it so hard to meet your soul mate? How to understand that this is really love? And do they really love me? .. Our whole life with dreams of great love is built around such questions. They worry us, and we tirelessly ask them to ourselves, and sometimes to our partners.
In the age of consumerism, when romance in flowers and chocolate hearts is sold every year on February 14 and March 8, and sex is increasingly being run by glossy magazines and intimate goods sellers, love is also becoming a consumer product. In a society where quick results without effort, win-win recipes and guarantees against any risks are quoted, we also involuntarily build our love into the format of instant profitability: “You disappoint me — we are less attracted to each other — that’s it, it’s time to leave!”
We expect passion from love
“When the first love subsides and the relationship becomes smoother, many couples really break up,” confirms family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. — Many men and women are sure that to love truly means to be completely in the flow of passion. The pursuit of strong emotions is preferable to harmony, balance in relationships, the desire to get to know the world of your chosen one better. Some may even have an idea of love as a kind of addiction, in terms of strength akin to a drug.
Dating on the Internet forms a consumer attitude to love
The thirst for continuous search is also fed by the Internet. “Thousands of new people come to meet every day,” boasts an advertisement for one of the popular dating sites. “And this means that there will always be a reason for a new meeting!” The ability to quickly browse, unlimited casting of candidates creates the illusion that we will certainly find what failed this time.
“Dating on the Internet is a part of modern life, and in a certain sense they help out a modern person,” says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. — On the other hand, they form in us a consumer attitude towards love: as if we are in a supermarket, where there is also a department of various partners … Our communication becomes more intense, the process of acquaintance accelerates. The number of potential contacts is growing, but at the same time they are becoming more brief, ephemeral.”
It is difficult for us to abandon the transcendental ideal
The image of a handsome prince or a fairy-tale princess seems to still live in our dreams, without being embarrassed by everyday reality.
“It is necessary to give up the ideal, almost incorporeal image of your partner in time, otherwise you can fall into the trap of your own delusions,” Inna Khamitova is sure. — When a life together begins, many can not stand meeting with a real person. There are details that cannot be ignored, but the ideal image of the beloved makes it difficult to admit that he is the same person as we are, and we may not like everything about him.
But how is that not all? After all, we dream of great, endless and unconditional love! “But only God can love like that,” those who have chosen the spiritual path say, moving away from the world beyond the monastery walls. So how to combine the love of a man and a woman with such an unattainable height?
And those who are looking for a couple, and those who have been together for a long time — we all want true love: it seems to us the last chance to fully feel ourselves, to give meaning to our lives. “The view of love has changed a lot since the old days,” notes psychoanalyst Umberto Galimberti. “It seems to have become the only area of life in which we can be ourselves, freeing ourselves from other roles that society has loaded us with.”
We are looking for in love not so much a relationship with another as an opportunity to realize our «I»
Desperately, as never before, we place our hopes on love: that it will give everything that we lack, awaken a taste for life and certainly lead to happiness. But are we ready to make sacrifices for this goal?
“The space of love is the only one in which our “I” is not bound by rules and can unfold freely,” Umberto Galimberti continues. “Therefore, love contributes to the aggravation of our individualism. Today, men and women are looking for in it not so much a relationship with another, but the opportunity to realize their «I». So it turns out that in order to realize ourselves, we need to love — and at the same time, loving is more difficult than ever. Since today we are looking for love through another person, indirectly, our own «I».
However, the desire for self-realization only for its own sake is contrary to the nature of true love: being born between two people, it changes both. Partners in their entirety are revealed not only for themselves, but also for each other. The meeting of two gives rise to a third, new character — their union, and this must be reckoned with. True love requires our patience, perseverance, a clear mind and the ability to accept things as they are. True love is an effort, our wager with life itself. And this love always returns a hundredfold what we have invested in it.