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Scientifically proven fact: it is very important for our well-being to be able to ask for help. And here’s another one: the fear of someone asking for something from many eventually turns into a phobia. Realizing that this was her case, British writer Kathy Regan decided it was time to change something.
First, I must confess. I hate asking for things. I hate asking others to waste time or money on me. I hate to ask for a favor, a ride or babysitting.
But, most importantly, and most revealingly, I hate asking for emotional support. I can count on the fingers of my hand the cases when I called a friend in tears, asking for advice or hoping that they would listen to me and console me.
But how many times I myself answered such calls, do not count. I am always happy to help (except for a couple of “emotional vampires”) and even flattered that my friends know that they can rely on me. Why am I not ready to ask them for the same?
It all comes down to the fear of showing weakness or vulnerability
Psychologist Corinne Sweet thinks it’s a matter of upbringing. “If as a child you were punished for some requests, you might have a feeling that asking is bad. A similar idea also arises when children are forced to show independence too early – for example, due to the constant employment of their parents. Ultimately, it all comes down to the fear of showing weakness or vulnerability.
Previously, the singer and pianist Amanda Palmer of The Dresden Dolls was unable to ask anyone for anything. She recently published The Art of Asking. This is partly her memoirs: she describes how life changed when she learned this skill, partly a manifesto about what the ability to ask and fulfill the requests of others can give us.
Everything changed for Amanda when, trying to earn money for the release of the album, she began to depict a statue on the street, which was nicknamed the “Eight Foot Bride”. She put on her wedding dress, put on white paint, climbed onto the box and stood motionless on the streets of Boston, looking into the eyes of passers-by. For this moment of human “communication” people gave her a dollar. This work helped her learn to ask and, in general, in her words, “to be human.”
Direct communication between people begins with a request
“Standing on this box, in a sense, you put yourself at the mercy of others and learn a lot. First of all, the fact that a direct connection between people begins with a request. It is important not only to look at others, but to see them is far from the same thing. If they feel that you “see” them and feel a connection with you, then they try to help you, because you are no longer indifferent to them.
How to overcome fear
Trust who you ask
“If you accept someone else’s gift, whether it be food, money or love, you must trust the person who helps you,” says Amanda Palmer.
Ask your partner
Mutual assistance is the basis of healthy, harmonious relationships. Many of us think that a partner should be able to guess our thoughts, but this is impossible. We must be able to ask when we need something.
Don’t be ashamed to do it
When you are ashamed to ask, your words seem to show through: “You have power over me,” and if condescendingly or dismissively, then you seem to say: “I have power over you.” Ask with gratitude, as if to say, “We can both help each other.”
Do not consider who owes whom
You should not argue in the spirit: “She asked me about something, now it’s my turn.” The world is arranged differently.
Don’t forget gratitude
Gratitude is the most valuable emotional currency.
About the Developer
Kathy Regan British journalist and author of several books.