What is truly valuable in life? How do our differences affect the possibility of friendship? And what can we do to maintain relationships with friends despite the lack of time?
Politicians are calling for a new «culture of community». What should it be and how to implement it?
Jaap Denisen, psychologist, friendship researcher: The opposite current, individualism, which has grown stronger in recent decades, is too strong, it cannot be stopped by simply pressing a button. Yes, now they are talking about a culture of community, about the need to unite in times of crisis. But what exactly is meant? «Community» is a very imprecise term. Maybe we need to focus on family, or collaborate more with colleagues, or invest more time in friendships?
Doesn’t this actually lead to an even greater individualization — according to the principle «every man for himself»?
On the one hand, yes, individualism has demonstrated its effectiveness. On the other hand, people really began to invest more in supporting each other. They want to know that in a difficult situation — in the family, at work, with health — they will be supported by relatives and friends. Anyone who until now has valued himself solely for his career and professional success begins to understand that he can also end up on the street. More and more people are wondering what is truly valuable in life. What, besides work, earning money and position, can bring happiness, which is more reliable.
Isn’t friendship endangered when social divisions arise?
In life, friends often find themselves on opposite sides of the social abyss. Often friendships are formed early, during study, at a university, that is, when the initial base is more or less the same. But over the years, someone makes a career, buys a house, another loses his job and barely makes ends meet. Sharp social differences can give rise to envy on the one hand and unwillingness to communicate with the loser on the other. A close connection and greater tolerance is needed, so as not to be limited only to economic comparison, so that something in common remains. This can be, for example, playing music together — regardless of the bank account and position.
How important is similarity to friendship? Opposites attract — is this true for friendship?
In social reality, the principle of uniting similar people rather works. My research on friendship has revealed an interesting feature: the basis of relationships is the subjective perception of similarity. In reality, it may not exist. Here, for example, two fat friends, one extrovert, the other an introvert — most likely, this difference will not be important for them, and both will consider themselves active or reserved, depending on the situation. It is a bit like falling in love: a slight illusion in relation to the other plays a decisive role — it does not interfere, but helps the two to unite. Feeling similarities is like focusing on common goals.
Today, most people have many more acquaintances than good friends, although the title of «friend» comes easily. When does a person become our friend?
A close union arises when we open up to each other. At the initial stage, this is a cautious approximation. A quick soulful striptease is shocking. Conversely, if after months you are still talking exclusively about the weather, disappointment will set in. A connection appears if, in response to our gradual disclosure of ourselves to another person, he also opens. Only the one we have chosen becomes a friend.
That is, it is a free choice, but does the benefit not matter?
Of course, this aspect is also important. There are emotional and social benefits — we are friends with a person occupying a certain social position, his reflection falls on us. We are also waiting for instrumental benefits, counting on practical and financial support. It is necessary to find a balance between «give and take» in the long term.
Today, instead of true friendship, free relations are most often established. Has it become difficult to find a close friend these days?
It depends on the quality of the relationship. Trust and mutual support are difficult to replace with something else. It takes time to find a friend: you need common experiences, common experience and understanding that you can rely on a person.
Maybe we missed our chance if we have few friends by the middle of life? Does it get harder to make friends as you get older?
I tend to think that just by a certain age we already find real friends. Adults invest more in proven relationships than in expanding their social field. If a person has five real friends at the end of his life, he did everything right. There is no more space in the heart, and there is no more energy.
As a rule, fewer new friends appear with age. This is because we become more aware of the finiteness of life and focus on proven relationships. You have to calculate your strength and more consistently than in the early years, to refuse unpleasant connections. Research has shown that older people are just as happy in friendships as younger people.
Where and how do we find friends today?
In different ways, most often during study, at work or in sports sections, in the neighborhood. You have to meet a lot of people for something to match. We must act in the same way as when looking for a partner — expand the circle of opportunities to increase the likelihood of meeting. And then it will happen by itself.
What do you have in mind? It’s about the universal same emotional development that brings two people together and they say: is this my friend?
If you look closely at how friendships develop, you will notice certain differences in different countries. In America, for example, friendship develops rapidly, in Germany people are more cautious. But everywhere in the world, this process is marked by the strengthening of intimacy, when people talk about their thoughts and feelings, feel closeness and connection with another person.
Friendship is a protected space where you are understood and accepted as you are, where you can count on support
Friends can be more honest and open with each other than is usually the case. If they disagree, there remains trust, the opportunity to speak about it openly. After some time, it becomes clear: this person, even in the event of a conflict, will try to understand me.
Are male friendships really that different from female friendships?
There are several typical differences. Men are more focused on work, they invest less in friendship than women. When friends meet, they sit, talk, exchange thoughts. They don’t have to do anything together. Men are different, they talk less about their feelings, more about events. It is important for them to be active, ride bicycles, go to a concert together. Figuratively speaking, these are not gatherings — men, as it were, stand nearby, consider and evaluate something. The classic case when this “something” is football.
What is the place of friendship on the scale of values compared to the past? Maybe we need it less than before?
It has always been important to have friends. Humans have an innate need for community. I analyzed data collected in 32 countries, my comparative study showed that, all over the world, those who have friends are happier, have higher self-esteem. It is very important to see friends often. One example: about 70% of Americans contact their friends at least once a week, for the Japanese this figure is only 30%. The self-esteem of the Japanese is relatively low, while that of the Americans is high.
We all need empathy, support, connection. But today, of course, it has become more difficult to maintain friendship, especially in developed countries due to frequent moves, job changes. Previously, almost all his life a person lived in the same city, worked in the same company, it was easier to make friends with colleagues or neighbors. This is no longer the case, and as a result, people are more likely to suffer from depression and fear.
What can be done to maintain friendship despite all the volatility of modern life?
The most important thing is to make time for it. We need to see each other, offer each other help, find the right balance between closeness and distance. It is necessary to meet as often as possible, because direct contact is the basis of any relationship. Talk less on the phone and write by e-mail, and see each other more. Indeed, in the end, feelings are best conveyed by facial expressions, and only through personal contact can one understand what is really happening with another person.