Why is it so hard to part with friends?

This is a tacit agreement of equality and trust, this understanding and compassion, a willingness to give consolation — and rejoice with all your heart for another. But this does not mean that we always agree on everything. It’s just that when disagreements and misunderstandings arise between us, we spare no time and effort to sort them out and overcome the contradictions. «Another needs me, he is happy with me, he is interested in me!» — friendship supports our self-esteem and encourages development.

“Friendship is similar to love in that there is a lot of care, tenderness, admiration and acceptance in it,” notes existential psychologist Katerina Borshcheva. — But unlike love, it does not include our sexuality, although it does take it into account. With a friend, we have less mutual obligations and shared responsibility (for children, relatives, property) than with a partner. Therefore, in friendship, it is easier for us to maintain our boundaries, integrity and separateness, while at the same time experiencing the attachment and security that close relationships provide. » But, paradoxically, even the strongest friendship is fragile matter. Sometimes the tests she goes through are overwhelming — and she doesn’t stand up.

Come next to me

“Don’t go behind me — I might lead the wrong way. Don’t go ahead of me — I might not keep up with you. But come next to me and be my friend. » These words were written by the French philosopher Albert Camus in the play «The Righteous» 71 years ago, but even today they can serve as a formula for ideal friendship, that spiritual kinship that most of us aspire to.

“Sometimes it seems that it’s easy to find a friend — social networks, where you can“ make friends ”with one click of the mouse, are misleading,” the existential psychologist continues, “but in this case, it’s more about acquaintance, friendship, a common circle of interests. Whereas friendship presupposes deep disclosure, mutual assistance, the opportunity to discuss truly intimate topics and to appear before each other in a not very ceremonial form. «

American sociologist Jen Yager claims that today the myth of «friendship for life» has replaced the myth of eternal love. In addition, friends today play much more varied roles that previous generations did not have. Friends sit and walk with children, take them to classes, give us advice on finances and profitable allocation of resources, console and inspire. Therefore, it is not surprising that the loss of even a not very close friend becomes sensitive and can have far-reaching consequences.

Why is it so hard to part?

Few things can be compared in pain to the betrayal of a close friend, nothing hurts our pride more than the neglect of the one whom we believed, whom we considered reliable. And it seems that the social climate in which we live today is exacerbating these injuries, making them more serious than before. “Our connections with people are built on the basis of interaction. Sometimes two people go through very difficult, crisis times together, and sometimes — happy, — reflects psychotherapist, trauma specialist Anel Naude-Lester. “It makes them put a lot of emotional energy into the relationship. When we attach great importance to relationships (no matter what the reason), then when we break them, we inevitably lose some part of ourselves. Emotional investments made during a friendship exacerbate the loss, no matter how long the relationship lasted. «

Therefore, an unexpected resignation from a friend deeply hurts us, inevitably strikes a blow to our pride and causes feelings of personal failure, makes us doubt our ability to assess others correctly, and ultimately undermines our confidence in ourselves. Indeed, many psychologists equate the trauma of breaking up with the grief caused by the death of a loved one. “Even if what we are losing is just our own illusions, we still experience the loss,” emphasizes Katerina Borshcheva. “Even if this relationship was destructive for us, it was still significant, hence the suffering. And only when we recognize the significance of the lost relationships and ask ourselves what exactly was important to us in them and what we now have no access to, we will be able to survive, mourn our loss and, possibly, find this value in other relationships. «

The loss of a friend pushes us to reconsider our self-esteem and to think that in reality we are not as good as we thought. At the same time, it opens up some possibilities for us.

“Now there is a chance to look back to get a good understanding of everything, — reminds Anel Naude-Leicester. — What was the context of the friendship? What was its dynamics, what did the friend expect from us? By understanding this, we can determine what the nature of the relationship was and why it ended. The realization that a breakup is not necessarily due to someone else’s fault, or thinking about who we really are, provide good opportunities for personal growth, explains the psychotherapist. — If a friend saw some special virtues in us and often emphasized them, then it may seem to us that with the loss of a friend we also lose these qualities. Of course, this is not the case. We just need new evidence of individuality, the fact that dignity and distinctive qualities still remain with us and were with us even before the beginning of the friendship. «

When the gap is good

If friendship is not based on honesty and mutual trust, if one of the friends is self-centered and suppresses the other, if friendship awakens not the best but the worst qualities in us, then it is destructive and useless.

“Relationships are not on an equal footing, in which only one receives benefit, sympathy and attention, and the other feels used, where there is no mutual assistance, can be called friendship only by mistake,” says Katerina Borshcheva. For those who oppress us with their jealousy or despondency, without providing any support, Jen Yager defines «friends-enemies». They steal energy that we could use to create other important relationships. The fact is that everyone is capable of being a reliable friend only for a limited circle, and it would be unreasonable to include in it those who suck energy out of us without giving anything in return. To free ourselves from such false friendships is to open the way for new relationships that will enrich us.

“Friendship is about making our lives better,” says Naude-Leicester. — It should serve as a reliable support and create a favorable environment in which we can be ourselves. We can take from friends without feeling guilty, we can give without feeling empty. If you see that this is not the case, it is worth asking yourself a question about the nature of these relationships and what role they play in your life. »

Apparently, the idea of ​​lifelong friendship needs to be revisited. Not all friendships are worth maintaining at all costs. “It’s a matter of luck to meet a friend for life,” Katerina Borshcheva is convinced. — Sometimes after a period of close companionship comes cooling or disappointment. Perhaps this is a signal that it is time to change the distance. Someone is interesting to us as an interlocutor or companion for going to the theater, but we know that he will not rush to help. With this in mind, we can maintain familiarity while maintaining an emotional balance: without putting too much of our own feelings where we don’t meet reciprocity. And with some we go shoulder to shoulder some segment of the way, and then it’s time to leave. » We grow up and change, and at a new stage in life we ​​may meet a new friend.