We readily agree to look for a competent lawyer for a friend or water the neighbors’ flowers. But as soon as we need to ask for help ourselves, we feel awkward and prefer to do it on our own. Why? Three reasons.
Uncertainty
The relationship between the seller and the buyer is predetermined: we receive a product or service in exchange for money. We have control over the situation. We can return the purchase if we are not satisfied with the quality of the goods. We can write a complaint and demand our money if we are not satisfied with the quality of the service. One way or another, we feel like masters of the situation.
In the case of a request for a direct exchange, there is no — this creates anxiety. You have to find your own boundaries. Do we have the right to ask for what we ask? What can we count on? What should be done in response? How to react if an unfamiliar interlocutor agrees to help us just like that? What if the result is not what we would like? Business consultant Nora Kleiver explains.
Fear
As in many other cases, when we do not dare to do something, the main reason is fear. Fear of complicating friendship, fear of appearing annoying or intrusive. Fear of possible conflicts. Fear of showing others that we are — oh horror! — somehow imperfect.
Nora Kleiver names three main fears that stop us when we decide to ask for help:
- fear of surrender — unwillingness to admit oneself insolvent;
- fear of rejection, which goes back to our deep fear of being alone;
- fear of humiliation (refusal makes you wonder if we had the right to ask for something at all).
Habit
In the picture of the world of some people, the request is regarded as something unacceptable. “Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask” — the world around punishes the child. As a result, growing up, he simply does not learn the language of requests. “It’s amazing how much our behavior depends on role models learned in childhood,” explains Nora Kleiver. “If we have been taught that the only way to get something from another person is for money or through manipulation, we will see in any request from other people an attempt to use us or get a benefit.”
“I surrounded myself with people who needed something from me, but I never asked for anything myself. And when I needed participation, no one was there. ”
There is another side to habit. By demonstrating self-sufficiency to people, we tell them: do not expect me to contact you. And they accept it as a set – even when we are ready to change it. “At some point, I realized that I had created a comfortable self-sufficient life for myself,” says Nora Kleiver. “I surrounded myself with people who wanted something from me, but I never asked for anything myself. And when I myself needed participation, no one was there. People just aren’t used to the fact that I might need something from them.»
HOW TO ASK FOR HELP
According to Nora Kleiver, the main difficulty for those who have trouble asking for help is that they don’t see it as natural. “We look for excuses, resort to hints, coercion, even pity. But if we realize that there is nothing unworthy or shameful in the request, we will feel freer.” Here are a few rules Kleiver suggests following:
Be frank. State what you want to ask for directly, without being blunt. If necessary, ask for conditions. But don’t act like your request is turning you into a slave;
Don’t limit yourself to available people. If you need qualified advice, ask those who can give it;
Avoid calls and texts whenever possible. Ask at the meeting;
Listen carefully to the answer. Intonation and gestures will tell you how willingly they want to help you;
Be grateful. The next time you meet this person, thank them again.