Everyone knows that changes in life are usually not easy. Even if we know what we want and know what to do to achieve this goal, it is not always possible to implement these plans. Why?
Aside from factors such as skills, experience, knowledge, opportunity, luck, health, determination, motivation, persistence, there is one reason many people find it so difficult to change. It is rarely spoken about and rarely realized. It’s about what we lose when we change.
Change and resource management
Any of our actions require certain resources: time, money, energy, concentration. Starting to do something new, we must redistribute part of the internal resources. It turns out that in order to change something in our lives, we have to sacrifice something.
Even if you understand that your current lifestyle is not healthy and you are wasting a lot of time, still all your habits serve a purpose. Sometimes, by redistributing resources, we lose very little, but in other cases, this loss creates significant emotional discomfort. And so we begin to resist change, or even reverse it.
For example, if you want to learn how to play the piano, it doesn’t just mean «I’ll learn to play the piano», it’s not even «I’ll devote two hours every day to piano lessons.» In fact, this commitment sounds like «I will play the piano for two hours every day instead of doing X.» And it is occupation X that becomes a loss for us.
Exchange and loss
We can increase the amount of some types of resources, but other resources are finite and severely limited. For example, time. Each of us has only 24 hours in a day for whatever we decide to do. The decision to start learning to play the piano will not magically add another 2 hours to those 24 hours (for simplicity, we will not even consider what other resources it will require — energy, focus, money).
You will have to replace some of your usual activities with piano lessons, or even sacrifice them altogether. «I can just get up two hours earlier.» Good. But you won’t sleep, will you? «No, I’ll go to bed two hours early.» Good. What do you usually do in the two hours before bed? Surfing the Internet, watching movies, reading, walking, taking a bath or doing something else?
Now you have to give it up. And perhaps you will miss it.
Sometimes we are talking about the loss of a purely practical one — instead of an interesting novel, you began to read a programming textbook. But in some cases, the loss is felt on a deeper emotional level.
For example, if you decide to go jogging every night, forgoing evening socializing with your spouse because of this, you may suddenly feel lonely. Or, for example, there will be a feeling of guilt for not devoting enough time to children.
If you’ve sacrificed socializing with friends and family for your studies and graduation, the payoff may be increased levels of stress and anxiety in communication.
It is important to remember that we do not do anything for nothing. Often, through certain actions, we regulate our own emotions. For example, we watch a movie before bed to cope with anxiety, fear, or feelings of loneliness.
When you decide to change something in your life, you are actually exchanging «something» for something else.
Other habitual activities can perform a similar function. So when you trade in an «unproductive» activity for something else, all those emotions can suddenly rise to the surface. You will have to learn how to manage them in other ways — and this will require some more changes.
It turns out that everything is not so simple. Getting out of your comfort zone is hard. It’s not easy to deal with loss. Resource management can be challenging. That is why aggressive motivation in the spirit of “Just go and do it!” rarely gives results.
And what to do with it?
There are no magic solutions in life. It is important to realize that when you decide to change something in your life, you are actually exchanging «something» for something else.
Evaluate if this change is worth the price you pay for it. Make an informed decision. Try experimenting and you might be able to find a healthy balance between old and new.
Get your priorities right. Find a more productive way to manage your emotions. Give yourself time to get used to the loss and feel sad about it. Seek help if needed. And never stop growing and developing!