Why is it so hard

“What a gift, mom, it’s just nonsense! .. Oh, I mean, it’s just a brilliance! ..” A reservation is the simplest way to casually give out the truth, which often cannot be said otherwise. If, as in the animal world, our conversation served only to convey information, communication would be easier. But sometimes human speech not only and not so much informs, but hides and misleads; according to the paradoxical formulation of the French linguist Antoine Culioli, “mutual understanding is nothing more than a special case of misunderstanding.”

Any conversation, in addition to the obvious content, carries many other, hidden messages. In addition, the nature and result of communication – especially if we are talking with the closest people – largely depend on our relationship with the interlocutor, and they always contain a variety of, sometimes polar opposite emotions and feelings. So is it any wonder that sometimes it is so difficult for us to find a common language with each other?

Conversation of the deaf

For the classic of French psychoanalysis Jacques Lacan The most serious barrier to communication is the fundamental ambivalence of language. In his opinion, there is a gap between the generally accepted meaning of words – their dictionary interpretation – and what they mean to us at the moment when we pronounce them. Example: I reproach my friend for being in no hurry to formalize our relationship, and in response I hear “yes”. How should I understand it: “Yes, it’s true” or “Yes, I hear your words, but I do not agree with them”? There is a high probability that the classic “talk of the deaf” will follow, perhaps the most common form of human communication: each will talk about his own, not understanding the other …

“When two meet, two unique life experiences collide,” says psychotherapist Alexander Badchen. – The experiences of the listener and the speaker color the spoken words, give them a certain meaning, just as a director’s and actor’s reading can change the meaning of a play: the words are the same, but the intonations are slightly changed, the accents are placed differently, and the text is perceived differently. Words help us not only express ourselves, but also make our inner world accessible to another person. Conversation connects us only when the interlocutors really strive to understand each other.

Interlocutor real and imaginary

In order for the dialogue to take place, it is important to understand not only “where” the speech is addressed (who we are talking to now), but also “where” it comes from (who we are). “Intense inner life is constantly going on in us, and if something outside requires our response, then often we react not from a“ neutral ”place, but, for example, from an unresolved resentment that has now taken possession of us again,” says Alexander Badkhen. – Then, against our will, it is not we who are talking to the interlocutor, but our offended “I”.

If the roles are confused or not clearly defined, a fuzzy image of the addressee can become a source of difficulty. So, for example, it is difficult for a daughter to build communication with her mother exactly as with her mother, if this is a “mother-girlfriend”, neglecting the difference in generations and dedicating her daughter to all the details of her intimate life. Another reason why we seem to substitute one person for another in communication is a strong emotional overload. “My boss pestered me all day, and I had to keep quiet,” says 37-year-old Igor. “In the evening, I quarreled with my wife so much that she even began to cry, and the next day I realized that I was actually yelling at the boss … ”

“Also, we often communicate not with the person himself, but with our ideas about him,” explains Alexander Orlov. — Those of his words that correspond to these ideas, we hear, and the rest we deny, cut off, do not perceive. Of course, this does not contribute to the quality of communication.”

But the main source of misunderstandings is our unconscious. We transfer to partners the feelings that we had for our own parents – the first objects of our love. When a life partner is perceived by a woman not as an equal “second half”, but as a replacement for the omnipotent father figure, it is difficult for her to address him from the position of an independent adult. Or, when a man imposes on his partner the image of a “good mother”, he will certainly rebuke her whenever her words or behavior do not correspond to this role. In both cases, it is difficult to understand the reasons for the trepidation or hostility of a partner who sees in front of him not you, but a parental image.

First listeners

Speech becomes a communication tool, helps to reveal oneself, if in a person’s life there were parents who knew how to listen to us. However, some people are unlucky in this sense, and therefore, having already become adults, such people do not dare to express their desires and feelings, to defend their point of view …

Difficulties can also arise due to the fact that in childhood our parents did not take our attempts at self-expression seriously: “You are still too young to participate in adult conversations.” As a result of repeated repetition of such situations, the child becomes convinced that he and his words are of no interest to anyone, and withdraws into himself. The rash reaction of adults who laugh at the child’s attempts to insert a word will finally convince him that he has no right to make a mistake.

“Sometimes a mother seems to be engaged in a dialogue with a child, but this is a superficial conversation, extremely practical: was she full, did she behave like that, did her homework,” explains Alexander Orlov. – Sometimes the reason is that parents have a weak ability to empathize – emotional empathy and understanding of another person. But this ability can be developed – to be attentive to what is really important and interesting for the child, to his experiences. This way the communication becomes intimate and personal.”

Get in and don’t judge

“I have long ceased to be surprised that others misunderstand my words,” admits 40-year-old Natalia. “It feels like no one ever listens to anyone!” Indeed, communication is not only the ability to clearly (and not offend others) express one’s thoughts, but also the skill of listening. “We stop listening to others when we are heavily involved in our own circumstances,” says Alexander Orlov. – The notorious absent-minded professor is so passionate about science that he does not hear not only the words of his own wife, but also the horn of a car that could knock him down. We are all, in a sense, absent-minded professors, absorbed either by a difficult situation at work, or by the quality of a manicure … All these things are like screens that grow between us and our interlocutors, making it difficult to understand each other.

“The ability to listen is not just the ability to perceive speech addressed to us,” adds Alexander Badchen. – This is the ability to be a reliable companion of a person on a journey through his inner world, his fulcrum. To do this, we will have to put aside our own views and values ​​for some time in order to come into contact with the world of another without prejudice and not judge him. Listening in this way can be difficult, painful, scary, and we are not always ready for it. But “listen” and “understand” are close concepts.

Dialogue in Silence

Of course, we communicate mainly through speech, but the real meeting, the real dialogue, takes place “beyond the words.” Many can remember silent walks with friends or communication with nature, when there were no words, and the feeling of depth and value of these moments lives in us for years. Communication can take place through art, when poetry or music evokes the feeling of meeting. Not without reason, in order to express the highest degree of admiration, they say: “There are no words!”

The sound and tone of our speech is as meaningful as the words. As Joseph Brodsky wrote, “the motive means more than the text, completely replaceable and redundant.” “Writer Yury Tynyanov once accurately noted that we are offended not by words, but by intonation,” comments Alexander Badkhen. – There can be great energy in words, but the speaker himself is not necessarily aware of it and is often surprised by the reaction of the interlocutor: “I didn’t say anything like that.”

The motive of our dialogues is not always without false notes, and not all of our conversations have mutual understanding. “But even human relationships are not always clear and rarely perfect,” continues Alexander Badkhen. “It’s worth worrying not about “acoustics”, but about what lies behind “sound”, about our relationship reflected in the conversation.” For communication, it is important to be together, shared with each other, and dialogue can take place in silence.