“We lived happily ever after” – why is this possible in relations between parents and grown-up children only if they leave on time? What do we lose by continuing to live under the parental roof, and why is it so difficult for both parties to give each other freedom?
Is distance a guarantee of strong and warm relationships with parents? Or, just continuing to live under one ceiling, we remain a family? Or maybe the whole point is what kind of relationship we have initially? There are many cases when grown-up children continue to live with their parents and feel absolutely comfortable at the same time.
“My mother and I are very good together,” says 29-year-old Natalya. – She is my best friend, I can always share with her, get advice and comfort. I am often asked why I do not live separately, but I do not understand why. I don’t mind building my own family one day, but first I want to meet a loved one.”
“It is significant that the girl justifies her unwillingness to leave her parental nest by saying that she has not found her soul mate,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. – This is the most common explanation used by adult children living with their parents. Many verbally dream of meeting a loved one, who is often portrayed as an ideal prince / princess, which is obviously unattainable. They don’t understand that while they live under their parents’ roof, it’s more difficult for them to build their family.”
If the family is complete, children may be the only link
What bonuses do older children get? There is no need to pay for anything, cook, clean, and, most importantly, you can live with the illusion that they already have a family. “This infantile position gives an unconscious feeling that a person does not grow up, which means that he does not grow old and will never die,” the psychologist explains. “Living with our parents, it’s like we stay forever young.”
The situation persists only if the umbilical cord is not ready to be cut off by both sides. The parent also feels needed, loved. A single mother acquires in the face of her son the illusion of an arranged personal life. In her daughter, the mother sees a close friend and a psychologist with whom she can speak frankly. Often mothers try to influence their children’s decisions on important issues, thereby gaining not only an imaginary sense of control over a rapidly changing life, but also the feeling that the child is still small and inexperienced, which means that they are young.
If the family is complete, children may be the only link. The departure of a child from home makes the spouses understand that they have long become strangers to each other. “Another scenario is also possible, when it is the mother who is already holding the adult child,” says Marina Myaus. – A son or daughter has always been in the family a symbolic guarantee that the husband will not leave, obeying the pattern that emerged after the birth of the child: a woman with a baby cannot be abandoned. Leaving a long-grown-up child at home, she unconsciously tries to keep a man nearby.
What does this mean for children and parents?
A son or daughter “stuck” under mother’s care often develops helpless, infantile behavior. Such a person begins to be afraid of life and, hiding behind the figure of a parent, becomes overgrown with phobias. It’s scary to find a new job, earn money, build a relationship with a partner…
“Addictions can form: a person feels like a teenager and makes excuses that drugs or games are just innocent fun,” explains Marina Myaus. “The longer he lives with his parents, the more difficult it is to change something in life.”
Daughters mom can replace the whole world. As a result, a young woman does not develop the skill of social connections: there is no circle of close friends and useful acquaintances. The world is reduced only to the figure of a mother, and a full-fledged, eventful life passes by. However, for a parent, usually a mother, this state of affairs does not bode well. She also ceases to live her own life: build a career, make new acquaintances, travel. If she is single, it becomes difficult for her to find a new partner.
How to change it?
“It was convenient for me to live with my mother,” admits 26-year-old Artem. – I didn’t have to think about ironed shirts, dinner was always waiting at home. However, I have already left my student age, and constant control, including my personal life, has become a burden. Mom was categorically against me renting a house. When I tried to convince that it would be better for our relationship if I started living separately, tears began. I could not make up my mind for a long time, and when I finally put her before the fact, she had a heart attack. Now I’m tormented by guilt.”
“The son has matured, he needs his own life. It will take time for mom to accept this, the psychologist believes. – Psychosomatic illnesses often begin to return the “negligent” child to the family. Only children can change this situation. From the side of the parent, pressure will most likely be exerted. You will be convinced that it is more convenient and cost-effective to live together. If it is difficult for you to immediately decide to move, you can rent a house and live separately from your mother for a couple of days a week, getting used to independence.
The main thing is to start building your life separately, even if at first you will be lonely and uncomfortable. Gradually, you will feel more and more confident. This will help the parent accept your decision and begin to get used to new forms of relationships.