Why is it important to apologize to children for a divorce and how to do it

Clinical psychologist Ann Gold Bouchot works with families who have decided to divorce without a trial. According to her, no matter how the divorce process proceeds: calmly or tensely, the relationship between parents and children is changing. Children get angry, feel scared, lost, disappointed in one of the parents, and sometimes in both. Boucheau is sure that an apology can help get the relationship back on track.

When a divorce is in full swing, parents are completely occupied with their feelings: anger, anxiety, confusion, resentment. All this, coupled with fear of the future, means that adults become less sensitive to what is happening at this moment with their children. Of course, they continue to love their children and take care of them, but they stop reading their emotional state.

So, parents can forget that the child at this moment is experiencing huge problems with attachment. Both during the divorce process and at the end, parents sometimes think that the anxiety of children is something far-fetched and refuse to acknowledge it. To avoid feelings of guilt, adults associate changes in the mood or behavior of the child with the characteristics of his character.

When a parent’s relationship is on edge, a child may decide the situation is hopeless and fall into despair. Or, on the contrary, think that one of the adults is vulnerable and needs help. Some children begin to judge their parents. For example, teenagers may become angry because of the “immoral” behavior of one of the adults. In such cases, children try to hide their feelings and not discuss them with their parents, thinking that in this way they show care, because adults are already having a hard time.

During a divorce, development is often stalled in young children, and in adolescents, feelings are either deeply hidden or, on the contrary, splash out and lead to behavioral problems. At the same time, the fact that children hide their emotions fits into the worldview of parents who tend to believe that everything is in order with children.

How to prepare for an apology

Parents find it hard to admit that their children’s reactions to divorce are much more complex than they thought. But if you realize this, you may want to apologize.

Apology is the beginning of reconciliation, says Bouchot. It helps an adult to give up the «armor» for a while, increases empathy, and allows the child to move away from parental conflict. Thanks to the apology, the children feel that they were paid attention, and the lost affection is restored.

If you want to apologize to a child, first imagine yourself in his place and try to understand how he felt all this time. Be sure to reflect that you are a competent and loving parent so that when the time comes for you to apologize, your children will see you as a mature person they can trust.

Bouchaud invites an adult to think of himself as a loving parent who has made a mistake. You need to think about this not with remorse, but with kindness to yourself, because no one has to be perfect. Yes, young children idealize their parents, and teenagers are sometimes so disappointed in you that any mistake you make will seem like a tragedy to them. Therefore, both you and your child will sooner or later have to give up the idea that parents are perfect.

Apology as a way of education

Apology is a way of parenting that many parents are not even aware of. It allows you to pay tribute to both your feelings and the feelings of the child, to acknowledge what he went through during the divorce of his parents.

It is important that the adult acknowledges how he behaved during the divorce: “I understand that I was so busy with the divorce that I didn’t spend any time with you.” Or, «It seems I’ve been a lot stricter with you in recent months.» Such confessions help the child rethink their conclusions about what is happening in the family, says Bouchot.

Apology gives meaning to what the child has experienced. At the same time, recognizing the feelings of the child, parents are not obliged to agree with his point of view (“Dad is completely unstuck, I have to help him”) or with accusations addressed to him (“You left us and destroyed the family!”).

How to understand what your child has experienced

Before all the horrors of divorce, your children, most likely, were very attached to you, but during the course of the conflict they «lost» you. “Losses” and “gains” of parents, occurring again and again, is the first thing to imagine in order to put yourself in the place of a child. Children are frightened and hurt that they no longer get your attention, and your emotions become unpredictable.

It is also useful to remember yourself at the age of your child, to think about what happened then. At different ages, children perceive reality in different ways. For example, young children are terrified at the thought of being abandoned, which means they need to be told in as much detail as possible what is happening and why.

Another important question is how to apologize to the child without blaming the other parent and without putting too much blame on yourself. Attacking another adult or talking about your shortcomings will shift the focus from the child’s experience to how you feel. Yes, it’s tempting to share your idea of ​​what’s the «right» thing to do in this situation, but it’s unlikely to help your children. You need to acknowledge your actions, but it is better to focus on how it affected the child.

How to apologize to a child

Ann Gold Boucheau believes that an apology should be short: express regret, describe how you imagine the child’s feelings, and he can correct you. You can think of the situation as a way to learn something: “I still don’t know how to make you feel good, but together we will definitely find out.”

When parents apologize to a child together, it gives him confidence. Or you can refer to the second adult in the conversation: “I talked to dad, and we both realized that we should not have raised our voices when we were arguing. I’m glad we discussed this. We will try not to repeat this mistake.”

If the age difference between the children is not too great, you can bring them together and apologize to everyone at once, especially if they witnessed some kind of unpleasant scene. The tone of the conversation should be soft, calm.

Busho advises: if you find yourself in a difficult situation or do not know how to apologize correctly, contact a psychologist: he will help you competently build a speech. If you think things through in advance, talk with another parent or coach, the process of regaining trust with children will be easier.

You will become a great example for your child if you sincerely apologize to him.