Why is it hard for us to take care of ourselves?

Our 37-year-old reader Anna wrote us a letter in which she admitted that she regularly reads hair and skin care materials in our and other magazines, but never follows their advice. “I understand that this is important, but I’m too lazy to even make a mask, not to mention facial gymnastics. It seems to me that some people naturally know how and love to take care of themselves. Others don’t get it.”

Why is it so difficult for many women to spend time and energy on beauty rituals?

“There are two ways to perceive your body,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-David Nazio. “We either identify with it, believing that “I am my body,” or we separate ourselves from it, considering the body to be our most valuable possession.”

In the first case, perceiving ourselves and our body as something unified, we are not able to treat it as an object of care. We find it difficult to take care of ourselves. And only if we realize that we have a body (“an independent entity that has the power to prolong or terminate our life”), we treat it with the respect that it rightfully deserves.

There is another version. Clinical psychologist and family therapist Robert Neuburger believes that taking care of yourself is a way to not fall in the eyes of people you know. If we do not feel interesting and needed, then we simply forget about appearance.

“After the divorce, I looked terrible, lost interest in life,” recalls 44-year-old Marina. – Only for the sake of her daughter she pulled herself together: she dyed her hair, began to do makeup. I didn’t want her to see me unkempt.”

Experience of the past

It is the influence of parents that lays down our benevolent and careful or, conversely, neglectful attitude towards ourselves. Our self-perception is formed at an early age by the words, actions and views of adults. If this experience was positive, there is a healthy feeling of your body. Otherwise, at a conscious age, we begin to express dislike for ourselves in various ways: we eat poorly, refuse care and makeup.

Many feel guilty when they spend time on themselves, because the mother once inspired that the girl should not spin in front of the mirror for a long time. Others believe that taking care of themselves is an idle and meaningless activity, as again taught by their parents.

“Masks, yoga, massages. And when to work? 36-year-old Evelina asks sternly. She made a brilliant career, but even now pays little attention to herself. “I manage a large enterprise, raise two children and do not waste my time on nonsense. Parents always said that diligence and work on oneself is the main thing in life. While my girlfriends were changing their hairstyles and leafing through glossy magazines, I was studying and moving towards my goal, not particularly interested in fashion and makeup. Today, sometimes I regret that I don’t know how to do styling or use blush. However, it is too late to learn this.

Is this selfishness?

Many mistakenly perceive self-care as a manifestation of selfishness. And, for example, they are ashamed to spend money on a manicure that could be used to go to the cinema with a child. It is difficult for them to take care of themselves, it is embarrassing to spend an hour in the bathroom instead of playing with the children.

“I don’t have time and money!” is the most common excuse for not taking care of yourself. Some of us find it easier to take care of others than ourselves. Most often, such self-denial is copied from the mother or grandmother. But think about it, because it will be passed on to your children. Therefore, it is important to learn to recognize and satisfy the needs of your skin, hair and body. Then it will be easier to teach this to daughters or sons and thereby help them become happier.

Gone are the days when attention to clothing and makeup was considered a sign of frivolity, and learned ladies in films walked around in shapeless suits and with old-fashioned buns on their heads. A well-groomed appearance is an important component of success. So you show that you know how to allocate time and manage to do everything: work, take care of your family, go to sports and to a beautician. The first step in self-care, as in everything else, is the most painful and difficult.

How to decide on something that your parents did not allow? Is it permissible to give yourself pleasure, to spend time on idleness, to make appearance a priority of household chores? Tell yourself: “You can!” and add out loud, “Self-care is not a crime. I have to pamper myself not only for the sake of beauty, but also for the sake of loved ones. They are pleased to see me attractive.

So did the 40-year-old Elizabeth. She says: “I devoted ten years exclusively to my family and at some point I decided: that’s it! I am fatter than my peers and look older than them. We cannot continue to allow my husband to compare me with them, and the children began to be ashamed. Every morning, instead of helping everyone get ready for school and work, I started going to the gym. At first it was difficult, but the children are already adults and have learned to cope without me. I left them breakfast and ran away.

She herself began to eat as in her youth, counting calories and not having dinner. As a result, she lost almost 20 kilograms. In the same way, I ordered myself to take care of my skin in the morning and evening and not leave the house without at least minimal makeup. The plans are to get Botox, because years of self-neglect have not been in vain, and wrinkles do not paint anyone.

First steps

Where do you start taking care of yourself?

1. Writethree sentences on paper, continuing the phrase “I want …”. Draw a line, below write three sentences beginning with the words “I must …”. Think about how the first phrases differ from the second and how “should” be transformed into “I want.” If this is difficult, leave this task for a while. Self-care doesn’t have to start with self-torture.

2. Be aware their actions. When dressing, washing, applying cream, slow down and focus on the sensations. Acting mechanically, we do not get pleasure from the ritual itself, and this is a very important component and guarantee of the effectiveness of any action.

3. Choose kind of activity you like, not because it helps you burn more calories or all your girlfriends do it. Dancing, yoga, swimming… The only sure way to take care of yourself is to listen to what your body wants.

4. Find an accomplice. If you are embarrassed or afraid to go to a beauty salon or gym alone, take a friend with you. More fun together!

5. Start small. At least since the weekly spa day. Bath with foam, body scrub, perfumed candles and other attributes to help you. Household chores can wait an hour.

6. Schedule. Decide clearly: every evening I spend 15 minutes on myself. On Monday I do a hair mask, on Tuesday – for the face, on Wednesday – for the hands.

7.Praise yourself for any sign of attention you give yourself. It’s not easy to take care of yourself. But each of these small actions will be a huge step towards inner freedom!