It’s not always easy for us to let go of resentments against another, but sometimes it turns out that it is even more difficult to forgive ourselves. Why do we become our own harshest judges?
Life doesn’t always turn out the way you’d like. And we regret that we did not do otherwise, we imagine that we had the power to change the situation, we cannot forgive ourselves. Why is this happening?
The fact is that what happened has not yet been lived by us inside. At the moment when the event happened, we experienced strong feelings, but for some reason we could not catch them, distinguish shades.
Perhaps, in order to survive, we needed a “sober head”, and therefore we forbade ourselves to worry. Or they considered the manifestation of feelings something shameful, especially if others reminded that others are even worse now. As a result, instead of acknowledging emotions, we pretended not to feel them.
It doesn’t have to be something terrible to feel like we’ve made a mistake that’s hard to accept. For example, we lament that we refused a new position or, on the contrary, unsuccessfully changed jobs.
Others are often advised to treat what happened as a valuable experience, but this does not always bring results. Why? Trying to convince ourselves with the help of logical arguments, we again ignore experiences. Yes, for a while we become calmer, but soon obsessive thoughts begin to pester again. It is difficult for us to accept what happened, and without it it is hardly possible to forgive ourselves.
The inability to forgive is often associated with the responsibility for what happened, which we place on ourselves. We endlessly conduct an internal monologue, scolding ourselves for the choice we made. Probably, in what is happening there really is a share of our responsibility, but we should not overestimate our contribution, take on too much.
Learning to accept what happened, we notice that it ceases to take away strength, freeing up internal resources.
Even if it seems that at one time you did not do enough, in fact you then did everything you could. At each moment in time, we make the decision that seems to us the most correct, even if the next day our opinion changes.
To help yourself, do this exercise. Take a piece of paper and describe a situation that is difficult for you to accept. What choice did you make? What helped you make that decision then? Write down how you felt at that moment, how you feel now as you reflect on that situation.
Sometimes we ask too much of ourselves. It is difficult for us to accept that we are not capable of fully satisfying our own requirements. Ask yourself: what are these requirements? Who and when determined them? What happens if you stop complying with them? Whose opinion will be especially important to you in this case? Perhaps you are afraid of not living up to someone’s expectations? What do you think is the most irreparable?
It does not matter who you find it difficult to forgive — another person or yourself. Forgiveness is a path that takes time, effort, makes you relive what you want to forget. But, learning to accept what happened, we notice that it ceases to take away strength, releasing internal resources.