The need to ask for forgiveness makes many of us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. But at the same time, we are often relieved when we decide to admit our mistakes. We understand this contradiction together with scientists.
Apologizing is annoying. Even the root of this word hints that we are to blame, and now we are also forced to state this publicly. Sometimes we realize that we are wrong, but something still prevents us from admitting it. Apology activates feelings of guilt and shame and makes you feel uncomfortable.
Scientists from the University of Queensland (Australia) conducted an experiment. They asked the participants to remember a time when they upset someone they knew and write a letter to that person. But before the “offenders” began the task, they were divided into two groups and given different instructions. Some had to write that they were sorry about what had happened and ask for forgiveness. And others, on the contrary, explain in detail in a letter why they are not ready to apologize.
The results surprised the scientists: after writing the letters, the participants in the second group felt more confident. They considered themselves more sincere, were proud that they defended their point of view, showed an active position. Their self-esteem was higher than those who admitted mistakes and apologized. Why, then, do we often feel relieved when we ask for forgiveness? And why is it easy to apologize in one case, and in the other you have to persuade yourself for a long time?
According to Carl Rogers, the founder of client-centered psychotherapy, our self-concept is a set of qualities and characteristics that we consider part of ourselves. For example, if we were taught to be polite from childhood, this is fixed in our “I-concept”. Therefore, when we accidentally stepped on the foot of a passerby, it is not difficult for us to apologize. This act will not cause intrapersonal conflict, since it is consistent with our ideas about ourselves.
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But if an apology forces you to admit something that is contrary to the “I-concept”, the words “I’m sorry, I was wrong” are hard to come by. For example, if a person has grown up with the belief that admitting guilt means weakness, it will be difficult for him to apologize to a subordinate to whom he raised his voice. The attitude “no aggression is allowed” will conflict with “I will lose my credibility if I admit my mistake,” and the boss is likely to experience great anxiety as he resolves this dilemma.
If the apology threatens the integrity of the “I”, the psyche sometimes goes to tricks: we downplay the significance of the act, make excuses that we had no choice to do otherwise, come up with other excuses. It is noteworthy that the “offender” himself, most likely, sincerely believes in his own innocence, since the protection of the integrity of the “I” occurs unconsciously.
It turns out that how easy it is to ask for forgiveness and how sincere it will be depends on the values that the “I-concept” contains. In one case, an apology contributes to the maintenance of an ideal image of ourselves, and then we experience relief. In the other, on the contrary, it means the recognition that we have committed a terrible act that contradicts our self-image.
Stanford University researcher Karina Schumann conducted an experiment that demonstrates the relationship between a person’s core values and the sincerity of their apology. Some of the participants were asked to make a list of basic values such as justice, love, compassion, and reflect on why they consider them especially significant. After completing this exercise, they were to apologize in writing to the person to whom they had once been unfair.
The study found that their apologies were more sincere than those of other participants who did not complete the special task. Reflection on core values allowed the first group to explore more deeply their ideas about themselves, to understand what they consider acceptable and what is not.
Why is an apology necessary?
If we find it difficult to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness, maybe we should just leave everything as it is and pretend that nothing happened? Many choose this path, and then we have an unpleasant aftertaste after communicating with such a person, and maybe even resentment for life. Apologies are a sign that we care about the relationship and are ready to make concessions.
There is always a lot of risk in meaningful relationships: we reveal to another that part of ourselves that we sometimes hide from others for years. When we share something important, we never know for sure what the other person’s reaction will be. But we are ready to take risks, because the opportunity to be understood and accepted is worth it.
Apologies are also a risk: perhaps the other party will not accept them, and we will feel even more vulnerable. Apologize or not – the choice is always ours. But the ability to sincerely ask for forgiveness and admit mistakes allows you to make relationships closer and more sincere.