Why is it easy to fall in love, but difficult to build a relationship?

Falling in love is not difficult. It’s hard to keep love. Clinical psychologist Randy Gunter shares his observations on why this is happening.

Many patients are dumbfounded when their romance ends. These relationship seekers don’t understand why love is leaving and turn to a therapist for clarification. They tried so hard to choose the “right” people and did everything they could for the relationship! But something unexpected happened.

Many people walk this path from hope to despair many times, but do not give up and do not allow disappointment to limit future opportunities. After grieving, they again try to find happiness. A new meeting with the «ideal» partner, a stormy romance, the excitement of new discoveries and the next end of a relationship.

Here are the questions that clients ask me most often.

• How to understand that a new relationship is doomed?
• Why does passion go out?
• How to recognize alarm signals?
• How to make sure that feelings do not disappear?
• How to prevent a sad ending?

Over four decades of practice, I have developed six principles that help build relationships competently from the very beginning, and not try to fix what cannot be fixed.

1. Don’t fall in love too fast

A thermonuclear mixture of intellectual discoveries, sexual desire, emotional exploration does not allow lovers to see what lies ahead for them. Usually an enthusiastic relationship lasts about six months, and then collapses when faced with the first unforeseen problems.

If relationships develop gradually, people get to know each other better, getting answers to the questions: who and what does he value? What does she need to feel loved? What does he agree to share in a relationship? What are its principles? What worries her? The answers to these questions affect the potential of a relationship.

When we fall in love too quickly, in the heat of passion we do not try to explore the life and personality of a partner — we are afraid to destroy the magic. And when the passion passes, there is no longer any motivation for research.

2. Don’t be stereotyped

Many long-term relationship seekers have ideas about what true love should be like. They are formed under the influence of past experience. Lovers try to please each other, and it may seem that they anticipate the desires and feelings of a partner. In the end, both feel betrayed.

The successes and failures of past relationships often limit new opportunities. The more open we are, the more we listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings, the more likely we will be able to get rid of stereotypes, frames and expectations.

3. Understand if your goals are relevant

Goal setting is an important part of a successful life. Getting an education, career advancement, a healthy lifestyle are examples of the right life goals.

Lovers should learn as much as possible about each other to make sure they are looking in the same direction. If they understand and accept each other’s goals, these goals become common. Life is unpredictable, sometimes things happen that could not be foreseen. Strong couples show flexibility and resilience and help each other find new ways to achieve goals.

4. Don’t be afraid to lose

Fear of loss often causes reactive behavior that is against our best interests. So, people who often encountered failures in relationships, at the first sign of problems, seek to avoid pain and suffering at all costs — for example, they themselves provoke a break or, on the contrary, ignore alarm calls, just not to be left alone.

Sometimes one of the partners is afraid of too close a relationship, but at the same time fears that he may lose a loved one. He pushes him away if he gets too close, and attracts him if he moves away.

New relationship, new adventure. Security and predictability in marriage is an illusion, so do not give in to fear and refuse new opportunities.

5. Change

At the beginning of the novel, the lovers admire each other so much that they see no need to change. However, over the years of practice, I have found that change and a passion for exploring each other have a positive effect on the depth and duration of relationships. Partners who strive for security lose joy without a common search for new opportunities.

6. Don’t shut yourself off from the world

Lovers tend not to notice what is happening around. Obsessed with feeling, they forget about duties, close people and entertainment and do not think if a new partner will fit into their life, so they often encounter unpleasant surprises. For example, a loved one may not get along with their friends, parents and children.

Of course, sometimes relationships do not work out, despite the sincere desire of both parties. And yet it is worth building deep close relationships from the very beginning and tune in to a long life together, regardless of what the future has in store.

About the Expert: Randy Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor.