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As children, we easily shifted the blame for broken things or eating sweets onto others. But growing up, some still do not like to be responsible for their mistakes. Why is it so hard to resist the temptation to blame others for your own mistakes?
It doesn’t matter if it’s a late bus, an error in the report, a quarrel with a partner. Most often, we blame others, forgetting that we ourselves left the house too late, so we are late, we looked at the error in the report because we were inattentive, did not want to hear our partner, as a result of which a trifling argument turned into a serious quarrel.
What mechanisms push us into accusers? Does this behavior mean that we are too irresponsible, or, on the contrary, excessive strictness towards ourselves makes us defend ourselves in this way?
“It is psychologically difficult for us to realize our feelings of guilt”
Evgeny Osin, existential psychologist:
Guilt is one of the most unpleasant emotions. But taking responsibility for one’s mistakes does not always and does not make everyone feel guilty. Some tend to assess the situation soberly and ask themselves if it was possible to foresee and prevent their mistake before blaming themselves for it. And even if the mistake could have been avoided, these people do not particularly indulge in guilt, but rather think about what experience can be learned from this situation and how not to make a similar mistake in the future.
Others, on the contrary, when they make a mistake, tend to indulge in self-flagellation and punish themselves, regardless of whether they made the mistake on purpose or by accident. The guilt they feel is so strong that it often cannot be dealt with. In this case, protective mechanisms work, one of which is projection.
When it is psychologically too difficult for us to realize our guilt and accept responsibility for a committed offense, we can, even without wanting it and without thinking about it, look for external causes of our problems and blame others. As a rule, this does not lead to anything good.
“People with low self-esteem tend to blame only themselves for everything”
Olga Guetta, coach, psychologist:
“It’s not my fault that I broke the cup, it was Petya who pushed me!” children often say. As a result, the “guilty” is punished, and the “innocent” remains “in the black” and is pleased that he managed to fool everyone. Then this “hero” of ours grows up, having learned the lesson: if you put the blame on someone else, you will not be punished. So he lives, blaming everyone around, thinking along the way: “Everyone is bad, but I’m good!” Great excuse, right?
People are divided into several types: the first tend to blame others, the second – themselves. The first, self-confident, often self-centered, thus shift the responsibility for their mistakes. Often these people do not like to be criticized and want everyone to like them. Moreover, often they do not realize their own wrong, or rather, they do not want to realize it, so as not to solve the problem for real and not feel guilty.
But the second people, on the contrary, gladly shoulder someone else’s responsibility. They seem to “like” to suffer, blaming themselves, engaging in self-criticism. Usually these are people with low self-esteem, who in childhood were often scolded or criticized, pulled down, not given the opportunity to feel strong and confident.
What to do?
As you can see, both options – to engage in excessive self-criticism or to blame others – are unsuccessful and lead to nothing. How to find the golden mean and find harmony?
1. If you tend to over-blame yourself and worry about mistakes, try to imagine that the person who made this mistake was not you, but someone you really respect and love, your good friend. What would you say to him? Try to treat yourself like a friend. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Try to approach situations constructively: the question “What to do?” usually more useful than the question “Who is to blame?”, because finding the culprit does not solve the problem.
2. If you find yourself blaming others more often, then follow these three steps.
– Pay attention to how you behave in situations where you want to blame (yourself or others).
– Honestly admit to yourself which type you belong to.
– The next time you find yourself in a similar situation, try to restrain your first reaction and understand the question: “Whose responsibility is it?”, And then resolve the issue yourself. Train regularly, and the degree of awareness will increase, and with it the level of inner harmony.