In childhood, many girls fantasize about how they will grow up, get married, have children. And so we learned, started working, met a person with whom we want to be together. The time has come, we thought about the children. It happens that at this point the story stops the course we have planned: pregnancy still does not occur. This gives rise to a variety of feelings, from guilt (“I did something wrong”) to anger (“why is this happening to me”).
According to statistics, in 10-20% of cases it is impossible to establish the causes of infertility: both partners are healthy, but it is still impossible to conceive. Psychologists and doctors agree that this problem can have not only medical, but also psychological reasons: physical processes are disturbed due to emotional conflict.
Most often, with reproductive difficulties, the internal conflict looks like this: a woman simultaneously wants to become a mother and is afraid of it. Most of the fears associated with the birth of a child lie in three areas.
1. Loss of independence
Nastya has been married for three years. She had a favorite job, she and her husband traveled a lot and enjoyed gathering with friends. Everything went well, except for one «but»: Nastya could not get pregnant. The girl turned to a psychologist, and in the process of therapy it turned out that in her mind the child means “the end of life”: the rejection of a career, travel, entertainment — everything that is dear to her. Nastya wanted to become a mother, and at the same time, the prospect of “losing herself” frightened her. Gradually, the girl was able to cope with her fears and, having completed an important project at work, she discovered that she was pregnant.
Caring for a child does require a lot of emotional and physical resources. A woman has to completely rebuild her life, and for a while she does not belong to herself. Not too long ago, I researched attitudes towards parenting among mothers of babies. When asked what is the most difficult thing in motherhood, the participants most often named the restriction of personal freedom. You need to be prepared for this restriction, but do not forget that it is temporary.
2. Relationship with husband
Masha was married for 8 years, but the couple had no children. Relations with her husband were not easy. He is a musician, he had emotional ups and downs and prolonged depression. He usually blamed his wife for his failures. Masha was responsible for a stable income. In such a situation, she could not relax and feel protected. After parting with her husband, Masha met a man who treated her with more care and attention. 2 months after the wedding, the girl became pregnant and gave birth to a son.
Stress signals the body that external conditions are not suitable for procreation.
During pregnancy and caring for a baby, a woman is extremely vulnerable, it is important for her to rely on a partner and receive support. In a situation of chronic stress, our body is maximally mobilized, and all other processes slow down.
American researchers David Barash and Samuel Wasser developed a reproductive suppression model. According to this model, stress signals the body that environmental conditions are not suitable for procreation. In response to stress, the production of sex hormones involved in the process of conception and pregnancy decreases. The authors of the model include, first of all, the psychological state of future parents as unfavorable factors, because it can prevent adults from taking care of the child.
3. Relationship with mother
Until the age of 32, Olga did not think about children, but gradually all her friends became mothers. Increasingly, seeing off another colleague on maternity leave, Olya heard jokingly: “Well, when is your turn?” The husband was ready and wanted to replenish the family. The girl thought: why not? Someday you still have to give birth, and age is running out. But I couldn’t get pregnant.
In the process of psychotherapeutic work, it turned out that Olya’s relationship with her mother was not easy, full of rejection and conflicts. Olga was unconsciously afraid to repeat the behavior of her own mother and did not believe that she would be able to treat the child differently. The girl managed to process her childhood experience and believe in herself. A year and a half later, she gave birth to a daughter.
Motherhood is a challenge to our adulthood and ability to love.
If the relationship with the mother is difficult, the very image of the mother becomes repulsive. We find it hard to believe that the relationship between mother and child can be warm and accepting. Psychoanalyst Dinora Pines, in her book A Woman’s Unconscious Use of Her Body, writes that anger at a mother can be directed not at a real person, but at the mother in herself. Then the woman unconsciously or intentionally comes to the rejection of motherhood.
Motherhood is an amazing and challenging experience at the same time. It is a challenge to our adulthood and ability to love, a test of our relationship with a partner, and a reminder of our childhood experiences. It is important to strive for the joy of being a parent, but with acceptance to deal with difficulties. This allows you to feel more confident and take a step towards a new unknown experience.