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In the heat of a quarrel, we sometimes not only do not find a way out, but also confuse a difficult situation even more. We are overwhelmed with emotions, and a common mistake is the inability to look at what is happening from the opposite point of view. Let’s try to consider the conflict the way men often see it.
“And even earlier you said and did so…”
“Our conflicts constantly end with the fact that we don’t come to anything, and I understand: we must at least go to different rooms so as not to blow up relations forever,” Artem admits. – In pursuit, I get another million reproaches and memories of what I did wrong in the past. Often it comes in endless messages that I just don’t read.”
“Artem is not alone in this recognition,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. – Many family psychologists know that this is a frequent complaint of men: the unwillingness of the other side to end the conflict in time. And this is just as important as starting it right. Continuing to express claims to her partner for grievances that are not related to the subject of discussion, the woman releases the accumulated negative emotions.
A man reads this impulse as a desire to deliberately leave his word last, by all means to impose his own rightness on him. In part, this may be due to the fact that women are more inclined to reflect and comprehend not only the subject of the quarrel, but the entire context of the relationship. Therefore, unexpectedly for a man, episodes from the past pop up in a conversation, which for him have lost their relevance, and for a partner they have not been fully experienced.
Due to his psycho-emotional characteristics, a man sees the conflict as a practical task that must be effectively resolved as soon as possible. And a heated discussion of the entire previous life, which helps a woman to reflect on what she has experienced and throw out emotions, is perceived as unrealistic obstacles. He withdraws from communication, which she, in turn, regards as ignoring her feelings and interests.
“What are you and what am I”
“All our discussions come down to the fact that she makes me feel like the last beast,” says Cyril. – It always turns out that she is suffering, and I make her, poor, unfortunate, suffer. She’s good, I’m terrible. Once I could not stand it and said – if you feel so bad with me, let’s break up. This caused hysteria. And since then, she recalls “how easily I gave it up.”
“Contradiction: “look how insulting you are and how I suffer,” is an attempt to punish a partner, recalls Marina Myaus. – And for the ultimate goal – to find a compromise and get out of the peak of the quarrel – this is a dead end position. And the more we go into the discussion of each other’s personal qualities, the more actively we sink our common ship of relations.
Our human qualities, on the exclusivity of which we so insist, do not appear in words. We either feel this in relation to each other, or we don’t, and by “explaining” this to a partner, we only exacerbate the conflict. It makes sense to focus on a specific problem and discuss the episode that bothers you.
He must understand without words
“At the most unexpected moment, I could find out from my girlfriend that she was offended by me,” says Nikita. – For example, for not going with her to her friends a month ago. I thought she understood why I refused. Then it turned out that she was touched by some playful remark of my mother. And I was sure that we both reacted to this situation with humor. She never told me about it directly.
A big mistake is to think that people, even very close ones, easily read our experiences without words. And to a lesser extent, men are inclined to this, who are used to finding practical solutions to directly voiced tasks.
“Intuitively, your girlfriend will be looking for the content inherent in your silence, although even in this case it is worth verbally expressing the feelings that are important for the relationship,” Marina Myaus is sure. A man is less likely to be open to reflection and interpretation of your unspoken feelings. Therefore, it is important to speak openly and thoughtfully about everything that worries.”
Tears as an argument
“When she starts to insist on her own and tears come into play, the conversation loses all meaning for me,” Peter admits. “We still can’t agree on anything. And since this happens often, I try to avoid any controversial topics.
Entering into a conflict in an emotionally unprepared state is also a common mistake. If you feel that you cannot control yourself, it is better to take a step aside, interrupt the conversation so as not to escalate the situation, but to comprehend it alone.
Give yourself time to determine where the boundary of your compromises is and what you can sacrifice. It is important that you already come in a balanced state with a proposal – what exit paths do you see.