Why is it difficult for parents to deal with teenagers?

«We are different people!»

A teenager solves the problem of separating from his parents, of overcoming their unshakable authority in his mind. Remember how a child at a tender age idealized, almost deified his parents? And now he suddenly sees for the first time, instead of the strongest, most intelligent, most just father in the world, some almost unfamiliar person: irritated, middle-aged and, it seems, not very smart. Instead of the best in the world, the most beautiful and kind mother — a tired, plump woman, full of stupid prejudices about sex and life in general.

The teenager suddenly realizes how different people he and his parents are. Naturally, he considers his preferences to be the only true ones, and his parental preferences are outdated. Even if this is not said aloud, it comes through in the voice and look, and sometimes offends adults very much. As a result, an ordinary dispute over musical tastes can flare up into a violent conflict.

A teenager and his parents seem to be in different coordinate systems: he is changing rapidly — they are trying to maintain stability; they want him to first grow wiser and become responsible, and then show self-will — he only succeeds in the opposite way. Confused by the changes taking place in their beloved child, parents urgently “take up education”, which finally spoils the relationship. The teenager comes to the conclusion that «there is nothing to talk about with them.» And at the same time, he sorely lacks intimacy with his parents, he suffers from loneliness, wants to renew contact — and does not know how. He moves away from the family, emphasizes his indifference.

Disagreement with parents is experienced by a teenager very painfully, up to severe nervous disorders, although the parents themselves are usually sure that «he does not care.» But it’s hard for parents too.

Who is harder?

The overthrow from the pedestal is especially difficult for those parents who previously «lived for the sake of their children.» After all, the separation of a child threatens the very meaning of their lives, knocks the ground out from under their feet. They find themselves in an «empty nest» — there is no business, there is no full-fledged marriage, now the parental role is leaving — how to live on?

It is also hard for those who are generally not satisfied with their lives, for many years they live with the feeling that they do not belong to themselves, they have not found themselves either in work, or in creativity, or in relationships with a partner. Then the teenage crisis of the child may coincide in time with the midlife crisis of the parents. And if you yourself are overwhelmed by the consciousness of the meaninglessness, worthlessness of your life, and then an impudent offspring sings through his lip: “Well, what did this education give you?” It feels like a stab in the back. You are already falling, and then you are pushed — and who? Your own child…

It is also difficult for parents who are too “ideal”, impeccable in everything, including in relations with the child. A teenager is tormented by his imperfection, and his parents are so pleased with themselves and objectively good — you can’t fault that they enrage him even more.

So the main advice, probably, to the parents of a teenager is to take care of yourself and your life. Children no longer require care and constant care — it’s great. More free time, more opportunities to change something in life, implement pending plans, learn something new. And there, you see, the teenage crisis will pass, the separation will take place and it will be possible to communicate at a new level, without tension and struggle.

Not a child and not an adult

In ancient times and in archaic cultures that have survived today, a person who has reached puberty became a full member of society. Received the right to start a family, dispose of himself, on an equal footing with others to make decisions regarding the fate of the tribe. The moment of transition from children to adults was marked by a special rite — initiation, which symbolized the death of a person as a child and his birth as an adult. After the initiation, the child did not return to the parental shelter, the relationship was considered completed. Of course, they still had all the feelings for each other, but he was no longer obliged to obey them, and they were no longer obliged to feed him and be responsible for his actions. Attachment relationships, like dependency relationships, ended when a task was completed.

In modern European civilization, it is not enough to be able to hold a spear and build a hut. In order to provide not just a family, but yourself, you need to study for a long time. It takes from seven to ten years before an adult from the point of view of nature becomes an adult from the point of view of society.

The ambiguity of the position of a teenager causes many difficulties. On the one hand, he is deprived of most of the privileges of childhood. They expect adult seriousness and responsibility for their actions from him. The law, for example, usually provides for responsibility for committing offenses from the age of 13–14. Teachers and parents are also not inclined now to condescendingly treat manifestations of frivolity, carelessness, impulsiveness — all that they forgive children. On the other hand, adolescents are not yet granted adult privileges. He depends on his parents financially and morally, he must report to them where he goes, with whom and why, any adult considers himself entitled to reprimand him, his communication and sexual life are under close scrutiny. A teenager has no right not to know, not to be able, not to understand. But he also does not have the right to be responsible for himself, to dispose of himself at his own discretion.

It is not easier for parents — they also find themselves in a situation where, from the point of view of society, they must be responsible for what, in fact, they can no longer be responsible for. Here, the parents of a high school student are called to school: Petya does not do homework, take action. What, interestingly, according to the school, should parents do for Petya (1m 85 cm tall and mustache) to do his homework? Explain to him? Do with him? What if he gets up and leaves? Punish him by not giving him a sweet? Spank? Nobody has an answer to this question.

However, parents are asked about Petya’s successes, for Petya’s behavior, for Petya’s health. And they feel guilty that they cannot influence him, or they try to scold and punish him, knowing in advance that they are doomed to failure. At the same time, all participants in the process know the truth: Petya knows, parents know, the school knows. But they continue to lie to themselves and to each other. And the truth is that Petya grew up. The natural program requires him to separate, and to let go of his parents. And only society stands above them and pretends that Petya is still the same little boy whom mom and dad could lead by the hand.

Extending Attachment

Not surprisingly, domestic violence between parents and teenagers is a very, very common case. And the aggressor is now one side, then the other. There is no mention of emotional abuse. Unfortunately, this is almost the norm. It is even difficult to describe how insulting, evil, without any brakes, sometimes parents with teenagers swear. As if this is not the same child they once kissed, carried in their arms. As if they are not the same people who were once the best parents in the world for him.

Some of the parents have enough character and charisma, or maybe just arrogance and rudeness to keep the child in submission for an extra few years. A separate question is how useful it is for the child and what consequences it has for relationships. Someone, with their vigilant care and guardianship, brings the child to complete despair, such that he is already ready to run away from home, drink or inject, just to get away from the unbearable situation of artificially detained childhood. Someone has enough communicative talents to avoid sharp conflicts and negotiate, on semitones, on sympathy, so to speak, in memory of past love. For many, it doesn’t work. And a parent with a teenager gets several years of incomprehensible relationships, humiliating either for one or for the other.

It is very important to understand that in our conflicts with growing children, a lot comes not from the fact that they are bad children or we are bad parents, but from the fact that we live with them in such a time and according to such rules. Across the program honed for thousands of years, in spite of it.

If we understand that, due to circumstances beyond our control, we are forced to prolong the child’s dependence on us, although he is no longer a child, it is worth prolonging the good, pleasant aspects of affection. If we are trying to control, as before, but we no longer consider it necessary to pamper or caress, why does a teenager need such a relationship? Since it has to be artificially delayed in childhood, it is important to preserve the pluses of childhood. Pat once on the head, bring his favorite sweets from work, take a walk, chat, laugh together.

It is very important to watch how we talk to a teenager, not to bring down tons of criticism on his head, not to stoop to insults. Even if he himself is rude, the situation will not get better if an adult also starts shouting insults. Goodwill, calmness, kind humor will help to maintain contact and atmosphere in the house. It’s still the same kid you love and know, just temporarily a little prickly.

At the same time, whenever possible, let him be independent, responsible for himself. For example, when calling from school, it is best to hand over the phone to Petya himself. Let him understand.

About the author: L. Petranovskaya is a psychologist and author of The Secret Support: Attachment in a Child’s Life (AST, 2015).