There is no person who at least sometimes does not envy others, clinical psychologist Irina Gross is sure. And if we experience this feeling, it means that we need it for something. Where and why does envy come from? What is the difference between its «black» and «white» versions?
“I remember the song from the movie “Dog in the Manger”: “Affectionate — therefore, Velcro. He keeps himself strictly — that means he’s a slut.» This is an illustration of how we are trying to deal with this strong, complex emotion. It is not for nothing that the epithets “caustic”, “burning”, “tormenting”, “sharp”, “terrible” coexist with her, Irina Gross reflects. — In fact, envy is pain that occurs in response to the happiness, joy, success of another. He has something and I don’t. This unpleasant feeling is accompanied by anxiety, annoyance, gloating, a sense of injustice. She has many shades and impurities.
The nature of envy
This feeling is born from an unconscious need to get something, to own something. It seems to a person that this is impossible, and he finds a way out — to “devalue” the other: “With such dimensions, he, of course, needs a big jeep”, “Just think, the model is dressed up. Empty!
Comparing oneself with the object of envy, a person feels that he is losing, experiences pain from failure and dissatisfaction. Envy relieves this pain, covers it, soothes: “It’s not me who is a loser, it’s something wrong with them.” A threat to self-esteem (“I don’t have a jeep”, “I’m not a model myself”) forces us to defend ourselves as best we can.
The question of the origin of envy remains open. Are animals jealous? Does this feeling have evolutionary and genetic prerequisites? “In my opinion, envy is rather a social phenomenon, it can be observed in children from about two years old,” explains Irina Gross. “It arises in the course of social interaction.” There is no object of envy — there is no envy itself.
Sooner or later, children are faced with the first assessments addressed to them. As a rule, they come from the closest, from indisputable authorities — parents. “Imagine two brothers. They are constantly compared, set as an example to each other. The younger one is praised, the older one is scolded. How does someone who gets a bad grade feel? The question is rhetorical.
Comparison in the family and unequal attitude towards children — «black soil» for growing envy
Usually we do not envy those who are far away, out of reach: idols, idols. Grievance is directed at those who are close, who can be seen: neighbors, friends, relatives, colleagues. Novels have been written about envy between siblings. Fairy tales are composed about the envy of an aging mother for a young daughter.
“I once observed such a picture in the sandbox. My daughter collected sand in a bucket, poured it on her head and laughed with pleasure all over the site. The children began to come up and repeat after her — not because they wanted to be in the sand, but to also experience such joy, the expert recalls. — Often we envy what is considered «cool», associated with pleasant emotions, although in fact we may not need it. For example, a luxury yacht — we can envy its owner, but if you think about it, why do we need it?
The world is unfair, and social inequality is a reliable foundation for envy. Someone was born in a prosperous wealthy family, and someone — in a family of alcoholics. It is difficult to look with indifference at a peer to whom parents have provided comfortable conditions for development. How does he deal with it? “Well, well, I posted a photo with a new car, I got likes, I could have been more modest.”
Someone else’s boasting often provokes envy. Today, this topic is becoming more and more relevant thanks to social networks. Many people post «documentary evidence» of their successes and merits for precisely this purpose — to be envied.
Protection from envious people
Why are we unpleasant and even afraid when we are envied? What if the envious person is a colleague, relative, friend or even spouse? When should you be alert and take action?
“We are afraid of losing what we have. The more we have, the more we fear. And this fear is justified: there are many cases when envious people take revenge, douse with acid, gossip, slander, ”reminds Irina Gross.
Tell about your feelings, find out what exactly your loved one is jealous of
One way out of the situation is to give yourself the right to make mistakes, remove yourself from the pedestal, add self-irony to your arsenal, limit communication with envious people and take responsibility for your life.
If relatives with whom it is important to maintain a relationship are jealous, talk frankly with them. Do not lash out with accusations: tell about your feelings, find out what exactly your loved one is jealous of. Tell us about the other side of your success. Also, think about whether you are provoking envy yourself. In this case, it is worth demonstrating your achievements less and showing off your successes in the presence of this person.
One is poison, the other is a resource
What is envy for? Does it have a resource for the envious and can it be used for peaceful purposes? This emotion helps to realize one’s own needs, desires and aspirations. “If I envy someone, this is a reason to ask myself questions: what do I envy, what prevents me from getting what I want,” says Irina Gross.
Envy comes in many colors and flavors. Some of its types destroy us, others stimulate competition and push for new achievements. When destructive envy seizes us — let’s call it black — we are ready to destroy, to wipe out the object that causes pain from the face of the earth. The trouble of another is a reason for joy. This feeling is dangerous not only for the object of envy, but also for the envious person himself. He is engulfed in hatred, negativity, all his attention is focused not on himself, but on something else. At such moments, we are literally able to harm the object of envy.
Meets green envy: an envious person cannot live in peace if someone has more material wealth. It is not as destructive as black, but the envious one is in a “swamp”, where there is no movement, no change.
White (constructive) envy speaks of joy for other people’s success, of admiration. In this case, the desire to harm does not arise.
Envy can be turned into a springboard for personal growth
Bright envy is open, it is released and does not eat away from the inside. More dangerously dark, hidden: the envious person is engaged in self-digging, trying on the role of the victim, or actively following the object of envy, discussing, commenting. This is especially noticeable on social media.
Constructive envy sounds like this: “I want, like you, teach me!” The destructive one says: «You have no right to be better than me, you stole my success!» “In order for it to turn from a destructive emotion into a constructive one, you need to become aware of your own feelings, take responsibility for your life, and confess your fear of realizing dreams. Finally, we need to start putting them into practice.”
Envy can be turned into a springboard for personal growth. It helps us realize our desires. Sometimes it’s worth confessing it and asking someone you envy to teach, share a recipe, advice, experience, support in an undertaking. “In itself, envy does not bring you closer to the goal, but active actions and taking responsibility for self-realization can lead to personal victory. There is no better cure for envy than success.»