Contents
Ghosting, benching, breadcrumbing, mooning… All these neologisms define the style of communication on dating sites and flirting apps today, and they all describe different forms of rejection. In some cases, these psychological tactics can hurt your self-esteem. Xenia Dyakova-Tinoku is trying to figure out how to recognize them and what to do if you become a victim of a “ghost man”.
The phenomenon of ghosting itself (from the English ghost – a ghost) is not new. We all know the expressions “leave in English” and “send to ignore.” But earlier, in the “pre-virtual era”, it was more difficult to do this, the reputation of a fugitive among mutual friends and colleagues was at stake. You could meet with him and demand an explanation.
In the online space, there is no such social control, and it is easier to break the connection without visible consequences.
How does it happen
You meet on the Internet with a person who is clearly interested in communication. He makes compliments, you have a lot of common topics for conversation, perhaps you have met “in real life” more than once or even had sex. But one day he stops communicating, does not answer your calls, messages and letters. At the same time, you may find that he reads them and is silent.
People go off the radar because they don’t want to experience the emotional discomfort of breaking up with you.
You start to panic: don’t you deserve an answer? Just last week, you went to the movies and shared childhood memories. But now you seem to be blacklisted. Why? For what? What did you do wrong? It all started so well…
“People disappear from your radar for one reason: they don’t want to feel emotional discomfort explaining why your relationship is no longer relevant,” explains psychotherapist Janice Wilhauer. – You live in a big city. The probability of a chance meeting is minimal, and the “ghost man” is only too happy about this. Moreover, the more often he interrupts communication in this way, the easier it is for him to play “silent”.
Let’s listen to the “ghosts” themselves
…I couldn’t figure out my feelings and instead of speaking out, I simply stopped responding to his messages. (Marie, 27 years old)
…This is one of the reasons why I am attracted to online dating: you can leave the game at any time and you will not get anything for it. (Alex, 34 years old)
…I ignored messages from my girlfriends for various reasons. In some cases, I did not take our romance seriously, in others I was afraid of the prospect of a new, too close relationship. (Sasha, 29 years old)
…I consider myself an honest and open person, however, I also “disappeared” more than once. I believe that the whole problem is in the toxic culture of virtual communication. (Philip, age 36)
Passive-aggressive ghosting tactics are discouraging. It creates a sense of uncertainty and ambiguity. It seems to you that you are being disrespected, you have been rejected, but you are not completely sure of this. Should I be worried? What if something happened to your friend or is he busy and can call at any time?
Janice Wilhauer argues that social rejection activates the same pain centers in the brain as physical pain. Therefore, in an acute moment, a simple pain reliever based on paracetamol can help. But in addition to this biological connection between rejection and pain, she sees several other factors that increase our discomfort.
Constant contact with others is important for survival, this evolutionary mechanism has been developed over thousands of years. Social norms help us adapt to a variety of situations. However, ghosting deprives us of guidelines: there is no way to express our emotions to the offender. At some point, it may seem that we are losing control of our own lives.
How to deal with it
To begin with, Jennis Wilhauer advises taking it for granted that virtual hosting has become a socially acceptable way of communicating without communication. The very realization that you are faced with ghosting helps to remove the burden of anxiety from the soul. “It is important to understand that the fact that you are ignored does not say anything about you and your qualities. This is just a sign that your friend is not ready and not capable of a healthy and mature relationship, ”stresses Jennis Wilhauer.
The “Ghost” is afraid to face his own and your emotions, is deprived of empathy, or deliberately disappeared for a while in order to attract attention in the best traditions of pick-up. So is this coward and manipulator worth your tears?
Online Dating Glossary
- Benching (from the English bench – “bench”). From time to time, you receive playful messages and offers to cross paths from a virtual acquaintance. Alas, the meeting in real life, most likely, will not happen. You are kept on the bench, where a dozen more candidates may languish in anticipation.
- Breadcrumbing (from the English breadcrumb – “bread crumb”). Lazy flirting: “likes”, comments on social networks and rare messages with which a virtual acquaintance tries to “feed” your interest in him and your own ego.
- Mooning (The term comes from the crescent moon symbol for do not disturb mode on the iPhone.) The reluctance of a person to read your messages, which you do not know about.
- Haunting (from English to haunt – “to visit”, “to haunt”). A discreet attempt at post-hosting rapport with “likes” and meaningless comments on social media.
- Slowfade (literally translated as “slow disappearance”). Gradual guesting. You write less and less, in the end, communication comes to naught.
- Unghosting (an antonym of the word ghosting). An attempt by a lonely “ghost” after a few months or years to resume your flirting or romance again.
About expert
Jenis Vilhauer (Jennice Vilhauer) – Cognitive Psychotherapist, Director of the Psychotherapy Department at the Emery Clinic.