Many of us were told as children to “be humble, keep your head down and show off.” But this advice is not so good — and it certainly should not be given to our children. Why? Explains the psychologist, training leader Nadezhda Vladislavova.
In childhood, almost everyone dreams of exploits. About saving someone during a fire, pulling a drowning person out of a river, entering a cage with lions as a fearless tamer …
But as adults, only a few dare to openly admit that they want fame, recognition, love and admiration of others. Explaining this phenomenon, they usually refer to a culture that encourages modesty (up to complete invisibility).
Is it really so? Let’s first turn to the origins of our culture, to Ancient Greece. And there we will see a completely different picture.
Striving for recognition
The ancient Greeks had such a thing as thymos — this is the desire for recognition, for eternal glory, the desire to arouse admiration, and many times deeper and sublime than that which our contemporaries experience in relation to today’s «stars».
Frantic Achilles, Cunning Odysseus, Hector with Helm-shining — all these heroes were glorified by Homer for many millennia to come. Alexander the Great sought to become famous just like them, and in all campaigns he had with him a scroll of the Iliad. So that his exploits would not go unnoticed, they were recorded by Calisthenes, Aristotle’s nephew.
Alexander carried this wonderful man with him everywhere, whose records gave an idea of the life and customs of that time. Following the Antiquity, the Middle Ages followed, and Europe picked up the desire for thymos.
We all remember the «Song of Beowulf» — a Celtic epic written by an unknown author around the XNUMXth century AD. The great warrior Beowulf becomes a great and wise ruler. When he is already very old, a terrible dragon attacks his land, and Beowulf enters into battle with him. The warrior ruler defeats the dragon and dies himself: great death, great life, great gratitude and love of the people in all ages.
The Song of Beowulf ends with these lines: “Among the rulers of the earth, he was the most generous, loved his people and longed for everlasting glory!”
From these words, we clearly see that the heroes were not shy about “hungry for everlasting glory” in order to be loved and sung by their people long after their death. This is thymos. Does it exist today?
How children dream
Thymos manifests itself in modern people, usually in childhood, when they imagine themselves as one of the modern heroes, for example, the captain of an invincible football team that wins the world championship.
Or in their dreams, they rescue their best friend’s entire family from a fire. And after such an incredible feat in their fantasies, of course, the indispensable glorification and praise of all family members, all friends and even former enemies follows. They are admired by the whole world.
Here are some real examples of «baby thymos». “As a child, I often played war games. He dreamed of being a hero of military operations — at that time they showed a lot of Soviet films about the war, each had heroes. I also dreamed of becoming a pilot, I wrote about this essay in the fifth grade. This dream, one might say, came true: as an adult, he flew on a paraglider. I also wanted to be a forester — to live in the forest and take care of nature.
“I dreamed of being a great teacher, so that everyone would listen to me and so that everyone would take their breath away,” “Mother Teresa was my idol. I dreamed of flying to Africa to help children, but my parents did not let me go. When I was already at the institute, there was a tsunami in Thailand, I begged to be allowed to volunteer, and again they refused … «
We see how beautiful the children’s dream world is. Where does baby thymos go when we grow up?
What adults talk about
Often a child’s dream is mercilessly extinguished by adults — either with indifference, or with caustic remarks like «You won’t die from modesty» or «Again she and her nonsense.» And it cannot be said that they are to blame for this, those parents themselves were raised this way, and they simply do not have a different model of interaction with children in their heads: they want to “help them return from heaven to earth” in this way.
One girl, talking about her childhood thymos, said that she had two polar choices: one part dreamed of “bringing the girl out of the fire”, and it was something between a heart surgeon, a neurosurgeon and a pathologist, and the second part was eager to join the circus — either a clown or an acrobat, to do something difficult, but at the same time not lose taste and lightness in life.
And about this wonderful talented girl, a certain “psychologist, expert in psychodiagnostics” said that it was all “delusions of grandeur”. To be honest, I have no pity or sympathy for such pseudo-psychologists.
Instead of following the child in his dreams, helping him develop, relying on them, he is actually imposed a feeling of guilt for daring to present himself as something more than this wretched mediocrity itself, who wanted to impose his model of the world on a small person . And I also scared my parents with a psychiatric diagnosis.
Thank God, this particular girl managed to “break through”, she is strong. But how many children have been taken by such strange people and blocked the path to their dreams… But sometimes adults react exactly as they should, supporting the child in his thymos.
Here is an example of an ideal reaction: “As a child, I dreamed that in the future there would be a time machine, and I could get to besieged Leningrad, bring a lot of food. Mom discussed with me that starving people should not eat a lot at once, so we thought about how to properly feed them in order to help, not harm.
This is how a woman who has become an excellent pediatric dentist talks about her mother. She copes with the most difficult cases that colleagues do not risk, and generously shares her experience with other dentists by lecturing in different cities of Russia and Western Europe.
to be seen
Therefore, I want to say: dream of exploits, like Alexander the Great! After all, our thirst for recognition still breaks out in a distorted form, like some kind of desperate opposition to oblivion, when people strive to present themselves as vividly as possible on social networks, in particular on Instagram: (an extremist organization banned in Russia) “Notice me, please! Like me so I can make sure you notice that I am, that I exist!”
The most unbearable punishment for a child is a family boycott. Not a single small person can psychologically withstand a mother’s boycott and come to ask for forgiveness, even if he is not guilty. He cannot bear the message that he is not there for those close to him.
And if the parents continue to ignore him, then the child will go all out, giving them a message: “Hate me, beat me, but just notice!”
Skills coaches have noticed an interesting current trend: people are willing to take the time of professional training, even if they paid money for it, to be heard.
“God bless them, with professional skills, you listen to how good I am or just how I am! Notice that I am!” This happens because people in childhood were not allowed or helped to express and develop precisely their individuality, or because they did not suspect that this, it turns out, could and should be done.
If they felt, like that pediatric dentist, doing her job, that “angels sing” next to her, they would not have to try so hard to be noticed …
But not all is lost. You can still pull your thymos out of oblivion, it’s never too late! And go develop exactly in the direction in which he calls you. If you follow his call, then you simply will not have a chance to go unnoticed.
Do you know what is one of the most important modern crisis trends? «Only fanatics will survive» — either fans of their business or fans of their profession. All those who do their business «just like that» have no chance. So let’s allow ourselves to dream «of valor, of exploits, of glory,» as Alexander Blok said. This is exactly what brings us closer to the fullness of life.